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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Children spending time with the woman your husband left you for...

18 replies

WhispersFFSunderBreath · 27/05/2017 09:43

This isn't a recent thing as such. My husband left over 2 years ago. I suspected an affair but he didn't admit it. He was then 'renting a room' in a house with a woman. I again suspected that was her. He denied it all. Moved out to his own place after about 9 months but this woman carried on spending time with him and the girls 'cause they got on'. Yeah I know how ridiculous it all sounds. I asked him over and over. I knew what was going on. Anyway. He finally came clean about 2 months ago. Don't have the full story but they are together. The girls have just been taken now by him for a weekend camping with her and friends. I hate it so much. I hate that my girls are spending time with the woman he left me for and having fun with her. I'm not over us and still want my family back, but I know it's never gonna happen. But how do you cope in this situation? How do you get past this? It just cuts me up inside thinking of her playing happy families with my girls. And to make it all worse for all these years he has talked of us getting back together. He just needed 'time' so I was there waiting, stupidly. Even now he says he doesn't love her. So why is he with her and how do I stop hurting so much? I find it so hard to deal with. Thank you for listening x

OP posts:

c3pu · 27/05/2017 09:52

Yabu, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it... Just have to try and accept the things you can't change.

Softkitty2 · 27/05/2017 09:53

Move on. Don't hang onto his word of reconcilliation, it's unfair on you.

Unfortunately your dc will spend time with whomever he is with.

SaltySeaDog72 · 27/05/2017 09:54

Honestly, can you believe a single thing coming out of his mouth?

It's not an affair/I don't love her/I just need time..

And talking of time, it's time for you to put on your big girl pants.

Why are you holding a torch for this loser who spouts a load of old bollox?

Time to make a path for yourself, draw up some mental boundaries and move forward.

What can you do that you enjoy this weekend? Something just for you? Because you've gotta think of you now.....

WatchingFromTheWings · 27/05/2017 09:56

Sounds to me like he's stringing you along to prevent you moving on finding someone new. You need to accept it's over and get on with your life.

Original poster

WhispersFFSunderBreath · 27/05/2017 10:03

I don't think it would hurt so much if it was with anyone else. It's cause it's with her. The woman he lied to me about and who is still to this day so secretive about. His family don't speak to me so I can't get the truth from them and I don't know any of this friends. Hard to believe we were together 7 years and married for 5.

I know he is stringing me along. I know he is a liar and that I deserve so much better but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I'm 42 with these two young girls. It's so hard finding a man and having that someone for myself. Everything I do with the girls I do alone.

I've had counselling and CBT over the last year, so why am I still finding it so hard?

OP posts:

Original poster

WhispersFFSunderBreath · 27/05/2017 10:12

Saltyseadog - I'm going into Leicester with a friend tomorrow to shop and drink. So that will keep me busy. She has invited up to her friends house with her tonight, but I'll see how I feel later x

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 27/05/2017 10:23

You now know he is a liar so don't believe what he is saying about her now. I think this is keeping his options open in case it doesn't work out with her. Change his name on your phone to 'The Liar' which will keep you strong.

Original poster

WhispersFFSunderBreath · 27/05/2017 10:28

they have been together probably 3 years now, so I'm guessing things are working out. He is already in my phone as just a long nose emoji with a pop emoji next to it! 🤥💩

OP posts:

AvoidingCallenetics · 27/05/2017 10:32

He is a liar and a cheat. She hasn't bagged herself a great prize really.
I would hate my dc to be spending time with her too. It's horrible. All you can really do is build yourself a new life and try to see the plusses of not being shackled to your arse of an ex. Try and see that it is better your girls are having fun, than not.

LunaJuna · 27/05/2017 10:37

I'm 42 with these two young girls. It's so hard finding a man and having that someone for myself.

Get detached from this thought.
a) you don't need a man by your side to be happy
b) nothing wrong with finding someone age 42+
You sound more upset about not having a partner when he dies, than actually not being with him. You need to surround yourself with supportive friends (preferably not in common) and your family.
You'll be fine

AnyFucker · 27/05/2017 10:39

You would really take him back after he has treated you like this ?

Wow.

JaceLancs · 27/05/2017 10:45

Time is a great healer - this feeling will pass - it probably took me up to 5 years for the rawness to go
I knew I'd got there when I genuinely never thought about ex DH and OW
They divorced eventually he's now on wife no 3
My DC can't see this marriage lasting either - thankfully it's of no matter to me
I'm happy with my own life and have a fab relationship with DC

PetyrBaelish · 27/05/2017 10:46

I think that he doesn't want to see you find someone new because you are the mother of his children and he doesn't want to have to feel the same emotions he is happily inflicting on you.

SaltySeaDog72 · 27/05/2017 10:50

You need to get to a place of not really caring.. you probably could find a better counsellor if you have not started moving on (avoid the ones who just sit there and say 'and how did that make you feel'...)

You need a plan of action which includes saying emphatically 'yes' to all invitations irrespective of how you feel. Just go. Widen your social circle. Go out with that friend tonight.

SleightOfHand · 27/05/2017 11:16

What your ex is doing is cruel, stringing you along like that. Can you do contact down to a bare minimum, then only to talk about the kids if absolutely necessary.
Yeah you'll have to try and get busy doing your thing. Even if he were to genuinely want to try again, very doubtful, would you honestly want him back, he's a cruel liar, you deserve better. He's selfish, it'd only be for his benefit, if he could get something out of it, this isn't love.

Original poster

WhispersFFSunderBreath · 27/05/2017 11:20

Anyfucker - I know right!

That would be my response to someone else.

I used to be so full of confidence. I've just let this man drag me to such a low level.

I have a very small family (very small) who aren't very compassionate. They just leave me to get on with it and I have only a small circle of friends too. Always been that way. So it's hard to always have things to do and places to go. I don't have loads of money either to go and and do lots.

I just want to stop caring x

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/05/2017 11:36

No man is worth this.

Girlywurly · 27/05/2017 11:42

Don't beat yourself up for not being in control of your feelings. If people found it easy to control their feelings, then this 'Relationships' board would get absolutely no traffic at all!

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