How abuse makes you feel

[willitbeok]

The emotional abuse, even little digs, looks and comments that happen day after day, barely noticeable to anyone else. But you know exactly what they are trying to do - crush and control you.
It can cause so much damage to your mental health and sometimes make you feel like you can't go on.
Just wanted to vent really after another night of it, feeling quite low.
Just wanted to share and empathise with others who are perhaps feeling the same.

Do you have a plan to escape it ?

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

You don't have to accept it. I felt many things, rage, bitterness, anxiety, embarrassment. I yearned for peace. I left and found my peace. My only regret is waiting too long to do it

Yes, wheels are in motion I hope to be free soon. But I feel trapped right now until certain things are sorted, and it is getting worse.

Glad to hear it

Any chance you expedite it ?

You *can

The thing is, I've read the books (amazing Lundy Bancroft etc) been on the freedom programme, educated myself about domestic abuse, but I still get sucked in! I'm still trying to argue with him and qualify myself when I know that's it's all tactics and he knows how to press my buttons

I find it difficult to not get emotional about it even though I can see it clearly for what it is

Why can't you just up and leave? Even with commitments couldn't you just sort them after the dust has settled?

Thanks for your replies, yes I think I might look at other options so I can be free sooner, even if it's temporary.

What are your reasons for not being able to leave now? Not to intrude but it's anonymous of course so if you explain the details we might be able to give better more in depth advice

Yes it's designed to control you. To condition you to believe its normal. To condition you to believe you don't deserve more. It's crushing. Like you are wrapped in cling film.

When you leave you hang on to that moment of freedom when you realise you don't have to justify yourself to this idiot anymore. I remember that moment of relief every day. I'm seven years gone xxx

It makes you feel crazy, that is what it does. I'm a few months out of a similar situation and the fear, guilt and everything else is starting to lift. Just. For the first few months my head felt like pea soup, now its more like a broth and I am starting to see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel.

Its there, whats happening to you is real. Soon as you trust in that, mobilise and get out of there. And start trusting your gut, because you have forgotten how to be truely autonomous. Good luck OP

Just remember when he tries to get a rise out of you that that's what HE WANTS.

Try to appreciate the satisfaction of not giving him the reaction he wants, believe me, it's very satisfying once you realise how powerful it is. But I know it's really hard.

I really appreciate all your supportive replies, thank you x

It's hard, op.

We're with you, but I get how hard it is x

I have friends/relatives who refer to him as an idiot and can see how what he does is wrong, but when I mention abuse they shake their heads and say no he's not that bad. But they don't realise what it's really like. And for so long, because you listen to them too, you focus more on how you are to blame and you beat yourself up about it because you deserve the put downs and criticism.

I find people really don't want to admit that things are abuse because the idea scares them. They may have experienced similar treatment in their lives and so they are in denial, or they may feel guilt at not saying something or offering support so they are afraid to admit it's abuse because that means they've let someone down.

They also don't experience things the way you do and sometimes trying to get across how wrong something was doesn't translate well, because it's not all name calling and physical violence, it's cumulative and insidious behavior designed to make you doubt yourself and often done in a way that looks innocent so they can deny it.

Trust the voice in your own head. You know him and the relationship best, if you say it is abuse it most likely is.

So many different stages. Wanted out of my house at 15 -16. He felt like my saviour. Looking back how I was cut off from everyone and he even made me drop out of college, (how could I be so stupid?).

I guess it was like water torture. 1 friend, I met up with years after, whilst still with him. She didn't recognise me. & then I got pregnant. Unfortunately, Afetr being filmed, abused and shared, I guess his fists missed my baby.

I hated him but holding that child and hearing him shout at him,? So 3 days before Christmas, I called a taxi and left.

I felt liberated .

He paid someone to slice open my face on the way to work, firebomb my home and chuck acid in my face. He has never been prosecuted because most of these conversations were recorded by my child. Stupidly he still had child access. And there was no way I was putting my son on the stand.

10yrs later and the threat is still real. And I feel what a pathetic MF. Ex tried the whole threatening shite,. told him I don't care, but if he hurts my son, ill make it slow and painful

How do I feel now? Angry, annoyed and possibly capable of kicking ass.

You are doing so well!

Recognising leads to detaching which leads to the ability to cope with this crap IME.

Keep working on leaving. Be your own friend - that's what is so important. That you see the great things you are doing and that you stop beating yourself up about stuff.

You are never going to be perfect at dealing with abuse BTW, because it is impossible to deal with abuse perfectly. You just need to find the things that are positive about the way you cope with it rather than setting high standards that you aren't in control of like being perfect or stopping him abusing you.

and possibly capable of kicking ass

There's no possibly. You already did. You left. That's biggest ass kicking you could give and the best lesson to your child.

I'm sorry you had to live through such terror.

To Op, it does come in stages, first you don't notice it, then by the time you do, it's too late, you're already broken by them. It might take days, weeks or even years for to move beyond 'too beaten down to care' stage. And then comes anger. This is when you start planning to leave, this is where you are now, it comes with healthy dollop of fear. Ignore that, harness the anger, you are worth more, you deserve better. Do whatever it takes, no matter how terrifying to secure your freedom.

Next comes grief. It starts when you leave or when your exit plan is cleat. Don't panic about that, don't question yourself, it's normal. It doesn't mean you did the wrong thing, only that you mourn for what could have been, what was 'meant' to have been. Ignore that too. It would never have been. You would have been trapped forever. Abuse lies, it shows you what you want most to tie you down and delivers something entirely different.

Finally we reach acceptance and healing. This is the good bit, aim for this stage, it takes a while to get here, you might think you're here a few times during the anger and mourning stages and then bounce back. Don't worry, that's normal. Keep going. You'll get there. You are worth it.

Good luck.

Oh and FWIW I heard my abusive Ex-h left me today. I laughed, and I laughed and I laughed. It's almost as funny as the time he promised I could go back to him, if only I'd agree to be a good girl.

Asshole.

And instead of thinking 'oh my friends don't think it is bad' think 'my friends think he is an idiot too'. Try not to hold yourself to other people's views about him, they don't know him like you do or feel the way he makes you feel! You are a much better judge of whether you should be in a relationship with him or not and if you think of it this way 'my friends think he is an idiot and no friend is going to want their friend to be with an idiot' rather than 'they don't see what he is really like' it will be much easier.

And FWIW not everyone goes through the grief stage. Lots of people do and it is where they are at risk of going back, it is normal but not guaranteed. Some lucky people just get away and suddenly start to see how much better everything is.

As far as friends go, it's easy looking in from the outside to say it's not that bad. It's also easy, from the outside to say "Well, if it was bad, you should have left sooner."

Ignore these people. They know nothing John Snow

I've so many friends tell me "I didn't how bad it was until..." Don't wait until their until, leave when your limit is hit, which is now.

So many more friends have told me "I didn't see it, I thought you left for nothing and then...."

your abuser will show himself for what he is eventually and anyone who doesn't see it, isn't worth your time. File them away with you abuser and move on.

when I mention abuse they shake their heads and say no he's not that bad.

My experience is that abuse is a strong word and many people freak out at it. People who say he is not that bad do not have to know what he is really like; you know and that is what matters. Are these people able to support you leaving him, in a practical way? I found that other people responded better to "can you help me with X" than my using the term abuse. My experience is that it is quite frightening for people in general to believe that a relationship that they see on the outside as "not that bad" (e.g. the relationship between you and your partner) is abusive on the inside, because this would mean that things are not always what they seem, and that feels unsettling. It also oftentimes leads other people to question their own relationships and that feels uncomfortable too. They would rather have the narrative that your situation is not that bad so that their own narrative does not get called into question.

Not sure that that is at all clear(!) but it relates to my experience.

I believe you.