Feel like he's tried to ruin my life

[Vanilla2]

Dramatic title but I think it's true

Not sure what to do so any advice appreciated

Before I met him, I was a really confident outgoing person. I had an active social life, was happy with the direction my career was going and really enjoyed life. When we first started dating it felt like he added to this, he treated me well, and made me happy.

fast forward a few months and I fell pregnant. (Unplanned), discussed it with him and he told me he wanted to be with me and would stick around whatever I decided. I did take this into account as he said he would be an active part of the child's life regardless.

A few more months later things started getting bad. I had a scan complication and he promised to come to the scans with me and just didn't bother turning up. But it always ended up somehow being my fault. He would go days not speaking to me then suddenly come on really strong again, it was all a mindfuck Especially with the hormonal changes.

Since then he's lied, manipulated me and lied some more. He has had sex with me on more than one occasion where I've been constantly telling him to stop and trying to push him off me (I'm only now realising how fucked up it all is as I blamed myself for weeks and felt as I was seeing him/had met up with him it was my fault)

He refuses to help support our baby. During my pregnancy he gave me an STI but denied sleeping around and got angry at me for accusing him as 'the tests are wrong sometimes' and I've recently found out he has an OLD profile. Confronted him and he said it was an old one but I know he's lying - I got all the usual 'I only want you' bullshit

Reading back on this I can see how stupid I must look but I believed a lot of his lies and always felt like I was being nasty or paranoid. Now I feel like I'm left worse off than before I met him, I don't feel myself anymore and feel like everything that's happened has brought me down and stopped me being happy and confident.

And some part of me still feels like I have feelings for him? I don't know what kind of fucked up attachment I have or why I feel this way. I get my head straight and feel ready to put it all behind me and he comes back and makes me feel like I've made it all up again. He makes me feel like nobody else will want to be with me except him.

Don't know how to handle this and feel back to normal again.

You need to re-think where your personal boundaries are OP. From what you describe here, you're behaving like a victim who has zero self esteem and worryingly, painfully low expectations.
Why on earth are you with someone like this?
Is this the future you want for yourself?
I'd be planning my escape route if I were you. And see your GP to access some individual counselling. This twat of a bloke of yours is manipulating you and you can't or won't see it. I mean...giving you a STD and you're still with him....?
You really need to think about and work on respecting yourself because if you don't, no-one else will.

If you need to strengthen your resolve remember: he cheated on me, his pregnant partner and put the life of his own child in jeopardy (STI) and ha has repeatedly raped me. Please get away and stay away.

He's disgusting and a danger to you and your child. Call Women's Aid and get support to leave him asap.

Palla - god no obviously we aren't together.. of course not. We are only in any kind of contact because of our child. Sorry I come across as so pathetic to you though

Just needed to express how shit I feel about having anything to do with him and for ever getting with him in the first place

You also spotted what he was up to and got rid of him. Your eyes are now open and you will do your best to protect your child. Everyone makes mistakes, give yourself credit for spotting it now.

Sorry, I thought you were still with him but very sensibly, you're not. And I do know from past experience how difficult it is to switch off deep feelings you have for someone. Its hard. It hurts.
And although my ex is long gone, we had children together and there are some feelings that its impossible to switch off, they're always there just lurking beneath the surface. Where they stay.
But you can't live your life despairing over what was, or what you hoped would be. You can't live your life believing that other people's miserable, negative opinions of you are hard facts or absolute truths. They're not.
What helped me was practising mindfulness - living in the present, not the past. Planning for the future by upping my skill set, chasing work opportunities and creating a good life for myself and my kids.
Invest in yourself. Do the Freedom course, read the books mums netters recommend and above all else in this world, believe in yourself and be kind to yourself. You will come through this...in time.
You deserve the best life OP, not the worst life, which is what you would end up with if the ex was still around, so don't self sabotage...his type get a real power kick from that and you are worth far, far more.

You probably need to learn about Sick Systems and codependency to come to terms with how shit I feel about having anything to do with him and for ever getting with him in the first place and your simultaneous feelings of And some part of me still feels like I have feelings for him? I don't know what kind of fucked up attachment I have or why I feel this way.