Should I agree not to make any financial claim on ex-DH? Moral advice anyone?

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I hope someone can help.

DH and I have been separated for over the required 2 year period and he wants to get going with divorce proceedings. The thing is, I'm not sure what I'm entitled to financially (and morally). I thought someone might have been through this and be able to offer some advice.

Our situation was this: we both had well paid corporate jobs and although I earned more we agreed that I would give up working when ds was born. DH and I split up a couple of years later.

At the time we had 2 separate flats, one in his name, one in my name: mine was rented out. I sold mine 2 years ago and because of the proceeds have been to be able afford to stay at home with ds since. However, that's nearly all gone and I will have to start working in September when ds starts school. I have something (lowly paid but just about worth it) lined up. I have no problem with this (working), although I'll be paid about £25k less than I used to earn.

Soon-to-be-ex-DH wants me to sign away any entitlement to claims against him now and in the future. He pays maintenance (not a huge amount, but OK) voluntarily and says he will incorporate this into the agreement and will continue to do so. We agree that ds will continue to live with me and they see each other every other weekend. That won't change.

Do I have any entitlement beyond that? What about his pension? I don't want to be money grabbing (I'm definitely not as a person I would say) and I don't want it to get ugly: we are friends and the split is amicable in every way. Should I just sign it all away on the basis that I had my flat, he had his?

OTOH I have been the one who has suffered financially from having ds and becoming a SAHM. Should I just accept that I have been very lucky to be able to afford to do this without his help? That this is mostly how it is with women and work, children etc? I now have no property, no pension, very little in the way of savings etc etc. He still has his flat which has appreciated by c£100k, his job, his pension etc etc. He's not incredibly well off but doing ok.

I know that without my consent he will have to wait until 5 years is up so I could stall on the divorce (maybe until I can afford legal advice in September?) but I don't really want to p* him off.

The thread on money, power and SAHMs interested me since I do kind of think: hang on, I've really borne the brunt of this (being a SAHM, splitting up) financially, why should I? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just sign and forget about it? Should I just accept that I paid the price for being a SAHM in terms of the equity from my flat? Morally, should I just sign? Sorry for going on for so long, thanks to anyone who can help. Any advice gratefully received.

WWW, you can get free legal advice via CAB, or a Law Centre, if there is one in your vicinity. Sorry, I cannot give you any advice, but I don't think that you should lose out financially as a result of being a SAHM. I think any judge would take into account your loss of earnings etc. Morally, I don't think your ex should expect to prosper at your expense. Who owns the property where you live at preseent? I hope someone is able to come up with some more concrete advice.

Hmm... so bringing up the child only benefited you? Don't get that. Surely it is his child too? In which case the money benefited him and your joint child equally. It's not like you spent it all on drugs/shoes/drink! Being at SAHM mum isn't all fun, and a nanny or nursery would have eaten into your income in a similar way. I can understand your desire to keep things amicable - and having been on the end of a grasping ex, admire your thoughtfulness, but think you really must take legal advice as you do seem to be coming out of this very badly. If you are married it doesn't matter whose name a property is in, it is treated as jointly owned and you are entitled to either half the value or to live in it until your child is grown up. Where do you live now? Where do you plan to live with your child? Don't you need the cash as a deposit on a new property? Won't he be able to downsize a bit/buy you out? Will he increase his maintenance in line with inflation/your child's changing needs? Is it enough, realistically? Why should only you suffer from having a child? You say you made your previous decisions as a couple so presumable your dh felt it was for the good of the family. Now he has to put his money where his mouth is, IMO. DEFINITELY take legal advice and think about what you need, not just now but in the future.

Aloha is absolutely right. GET LEGAL ADVICE! You are not just planning your future, but that of your child. Don't forget that although your child will be at school, you are the primary caretaker and it will be virtually impossible to follow the kind of career path (and salary) you had before. It sounds like you entered into the relationship with equal status...so you should be leaving it the same. Who is going to pay you for the week you have to take off work when your ds is ill. Or when your childminder/school/nursery goes on holiday. etc. etc.
I have been through a divorce with a moneygrubbing ex who (having left me for another woman) pretended to be very nice and amicable and made all sorts of "generous" offers that when I finally consulted a lawyer turned out not to be generous at all. I was too emotionally caught up in the separation to make rational decisions about my future...and I didn't even have children with him.

www, in your posts you come across as someone who is very thoughtful and realistic. I am sure you will find a moral and workable solution to this, with professional advice. Of course, getting your ex partner to accept this is another kettle of fish.

I have not been in your situation, so cannot offer any practical advice. All I can say is, if I were you, I'd take things slowly and be very guarded in what you say to your ex about financial and parenting responsibilities, no matter how well you get on now.

Being pessimistic, your words might be used against you later. If your ex is pressing for decisions on the divorce setttlement, I'd stall for as long as possible until absolutely sure about your position. While you are making up your mind, a few very carefully worded questions to your ex might give you an idea of how the land lies, before you tell him your final thoughts.

Just a quick thought - over and above the maintenance you ex will pay you, could he put money from his flat in trust for your son? I know this does not benefit you right now, but in that way he would be taking better responsibility for his son's future.

Thanks everyone for your advice. You're right, it was a joint decision that I gave up work and DH has in the meantime been able to progress financially and professionally while I have not. The house I live in now (with dp and ds) is rented. I do need to get legal advice I think, but thanks for the moral advice.

I can't quite believe that in law I won't be entitled to anything so I'll see a solicitor and see what they say. Ex DH is very likely not going to like it but in the meantime I'll stall and won't sign anything.

I promise you, you are entitled to something. As I said, if you are married the whole question of whose name a house is in is irrelevant in a divorce settlement. A judge has total discretion to split everything including houses, pensions, the lot. It is usual for women to continue to live in the family home with their child/ren and for the ex-husband to find somewhere else - even if he is paying the mortgage. So it is very likely a judge could order a sale of the flat and the proceeds split in any way he/she deems fair. Aside from the legalities you should certainly morally get at least enough for a substantial deposit on a secure home for you and your child. Obviously you don't want to make your ex-dh homeless or anything (he'll need space for your child to stay etc and it would be nice for your child to stay in a familiar place), but as his flat has appreciated so much, I'm sure he could remortgage to find some cash for your deposit/settlement or perhaps he could downsize. Unless you are very rich and about to marry a millionaire (like my dh's grasping ex!!), you do need to think about your future. Any how, glad you're getting legal advice. If he really is a friend he will want you and his child to have a secure future.

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Just to add: Ex DH does buy all ds' clothes and shoes and I'm sure, will pay for all major expenses like school trips etc when they come up. However, I will be the one paying childcare once I start working, who earns less than I used to be worth and who has to take time off when ds is ill. So far there's no suggestion of 50/50 custody once ds is older, although it could be suggested since ex mil would supply free childcare to ex dh. Hadn't thought of that, so thank you everyone. Will make an appt to see a solicitor soon. Morally I'm not in any doubt now. Am praying that it won't get ugly.

Just thought I'd update on this: it might be useful for anyone in a similar position.

I've recently seen a solicitor who advises me that I am most probably entitled to a portion of soon-to-be-ex DH's flat (he still won't have a massive mortgage compared to the value of the place, nor will he have to sell) so that I can buy somewhere for me and my ds to live. She has written to his solicitor and has made it clear that I do not want to fight with him but that it is "inequitable that there should now be such inequality in our financial circumstances" as a result of my providing full time childcare for our ds the last 4/5 years. I'm nervously awaiting a response and have pretty much decided that I will back down and rent for the rest of my life if he gets aggressive. I just don't want a fight and my relationship with him and his with ds is more important than money. So we'll see. And I just worked it out: in my new job I will actually be earning £31,500 less than my last salary. Hmmmm.

Sounds like a good approach www; I really hope it pricks his conscience. Let us know how he responds. How is the new job going?

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