Coping with the fall out from a womaniser

[stompingonthinice]

I'm not sure womaniser is the right word. Player? Lothario?

I had been seeing a man on and off for a long time. Three years. He is one of those charming men that tell you everything you want to hear in the moment. I fell head over heels. He was never serious about me and we never really integrated into each others lives - just saw each other on dates one on one.

Just before I finally decided I couldn't cope with the pain of loving someone who didn't love me back, we went out with a group including a close female friend of mine. He was really flirting with her and when we said goodbye he went to give her a kiss on the cheek and slid his hand the full lenght of her bare arm (she was wearing a sleveless vest). It was unmistakenly erotic and painful to watch.

I have since (not to do with that - what provoked it was unrelated shoddy treatment of me) "broken up" with him and we aren't in contact - that was 3 months ago and I haven't spoken to him in that time.

YET - I can't seem to get over him and keep torturing myself imagining him having sex with my friend. I realise that even if he'd been properly my bf I'd have never felt secure but it makes me really sad that I was never enough for him. I feel like my friend might very well fuck him for her own reasons and the thought of it breaks my heart.

Last night I dreamt we were having a party together (as a couple) in a very fabulous Beverly Hills type house, it was the first party we'd had as a couple. I was standing on a balcony and watched him crouch down next to a random woman who was sitting with her legs crossed. In the dream, he was just chatting to her but slid his hand up her leg and I Knew he was fucking her. I woke up feeling as if it was real and I could barely breath.

It's over and I don't want to go back as I know he doesn't love me -but I feel like he and his womising has destroyed something in me. Some sort of internal self confidence. I am torturing myself mentally over and over (even in my dreams) about me not being good enough, attractive enough, and him sleeping with my friend and other women.

Is there anything I can do to get over it faster? What has he done to my head? I never used to be like this.

stompingonthinice

^I used to feel so jealous when he'd mention previous proper serious gf or his wife. Wished I was that good enough. Good enough to use for sex, take out for dates but not to be his partner.^

You are describing precisely how I feel. We should meet for a chat! He ended things with me on Thursday and I'm in bits, like you. I know there's no future in it, I'm just desperate for his approval and have allowed him to treat me like shit and see other women at the same time. I pretended I was cool with the whole open relationship thing, because I'd rather have had him in my life than not at all. Anyway, he's now shacked up with a 57-year-old millionnairess who lives in Barbados... He told me this over lunch on Thursday. Wanted to show me pictures of her! He only seems to get serious about women who are loaded and not as attractive as him. He's also told me I'm too tall for him, despite us being the same height.

I think you've got the same problem as me: they targeted us both when or self esteem was very low and unfortunately, being with them has damaged it even further. I just wish I could get him out of my head. He lives there.

Winkywinkola - I don't know if my self esteem was that low when I met him. Maybe it was but even if was it feels much worse now. For some reason, probably low self esteem, instead of walking away earlier I emotionally wanted to cling to him. Every time he treated me in a dismissive way, I became more desperate for him to love me. The reason I finally ended it was because I couldn't take the pain of being mini-rejected all the time. The rejection was constant - ranging from the basic (not hearing from him for days) to minor (calling him and hearing the "I'm very busy" sigh rather than him being pleased to hear from me - contrast with him calling me when HE wanted to meet up and he was all charm) to major (I don't even want to think about this stuff).

It wears you down if you love and care for someone and really look forward to seeing them - but all you get is constant rejection on every level - until THEY decided it's time for you to have your turn.

Littlebadger

That's really interesting. This guy is wealthy in his own right but also seems to only get serious with women with wealth/ social standing. His ex-wife was hugely wealthy (banker type wealth) and his serious gf were all women he perceived to have social standing (usually daughters of very influential/powerful men). I look at that and think "why would he want me" I don't have that level of wealth.

He ended things with me on Thursday and I'm in bits, like you.

The good thing is that it was me that ended it and reading your post makes me think that was a good decision. Sorry to say that and hope you don't take offence - just that as sad as I feel about it all, it is far less bad than how I'd feel if he had ended it.

I wouldn't say I'm "in bits" at all. I just feel like I'm not over it and am mentally torturing myself about him being with other women. I really need a "recover your backbone" type course.

I know there's no future in it, I'm just desperate for his approval and have allowed him to treat me like shit and see other women at the same time. I pretended I was cool with the whole open relationship thing, because I'd rather have had him in my life than not at all. Anyway, he's now shacked up with a 57-year-old millionnairess who lives in Barbados... He told me this over lunch on Thursday. Wanted to show me pictures of her! He only seems to get serious about women who are loaded and not as attractive as him. He's also told me I'm too tall for him, despite us being the same height.

I think you've got the same problem as me: they targeted us both when or self esteem was very low and unfortunately, being with them has damaged it even further. I just wish I could get him out of my head. He lives there.

sorry cut and paste fail in previous post - ignore last two paras which were from littlebadgers* previous post.

I had exactly the same experience as you, because I couldn't be as brave as you I let it go on for 15 years on and off.

He used to call himself a Lothario. What a twat he was. He was constantly trying to get off with anyone and everyone. I once went and sat down beside him on a sofa outside at a party. When my eyes got accustomed to the dark I saw he had his hand inside the bra of the woman who was sitting beside him.

He is married now (wasn't then!) and is STILL the same. He always has a 'girlfriend' and also goes on Facebook contacting old flames to try and get sex. He is 56...

It goes to show that men like that don't change, and the woman who ends up with him never gets him, because he will still be looking for something on the side.

Do you think this bloke is a narcissist? Mine was, and it was knowing that and understanding it that helped me get over him eventually.

O god that is so horrible about having his hand inside the woman's bra. Were you together as a couple at the party? That makes me feel so sick for you.

Mine was always telling me how women from his past were trying to contact him through social media - but now I'm wondering if it was the other way round.

Do you think these men ever change? Maybe they do but only when they get too old and tired to keep getting new women and then settle down (I'm thinking Warran Beatty type) when they are much older.

I don't know if he is a narcissist. He sure has a mountain of self confidence though.

Yes we had gone to the party together, I was his bit of stuff though! When I walked out of the party he ran after me saying that the other woman had knocked him back!

Have a read about narcissism, it's very interesting.

O god o god. Hugs to you hooliodancer.

How nasty and cruel. What happened afterwards? Did you tell him where to go or fall into his arms?

Before I ended it, I did see him after the arm stroke but didn't mention it. I just ignored it.

I suppose the whole nature of this dynamic is where a man knows woman is really into him but he doesn't give a monkeys, he feels free to behave as he wishes because he doesn't care.

The woman then doesn't want to rock the boat (don't treat me like that) because she knows the man will say Fine if you don't like it you know where the door it. The woman then just tries to act like she doesn't care, when she does, accepts worse and worse treatment and has her self esteem ground away.

Then one day says I can't take it anymore, see ya. At which point the man may be prepared to make just enough effort to keep the sex available.

I hate how he made me feel about myself and that I put up with this at all. He would always be flirting with someone new and always looking for a new shag.

Ladies I suggest a couple of things:

1. Google the term limerance, understanding the concept will help

1. Look up the baggage reclaim site. Lots of useful stuff there to help you understand the dynamic these men create and what to do now.

You need to work on retraining your thoughts so they are less and less in your head

Totally agree with the Baggage Reclaim recommendation. Loads on there and also maybe worth looking at "Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl"

All that was many years ago now. But yes, sadly fell back into his arms.

My point is if you don't try and keep away from him now it could go on for years- you being the fall back girl. You have to be strong, but mainly you need to work out why you are responding to him. I had lots of therapy which eventually worked.

Also, the fact that no, men like that don't change. I have known the bloke I am talking about for 30 years and he has never changed.

Thanks for the baggage reclaim suggestion. Ive had a look and there is a lot there I identify with.

Hoolio - if your guy is 56 he sounds really like a man I have come across (not the ex I am talking about) but a married man who always has a gf. Does his name begin with S?

It's so strange to think that there are so many men who behave in this horrible manipulative way. How do they get away with it? Is it that they hone in on women with low self esteem who put up with it? Or is it that they are so charming and good looking everyone falls for it?

No , not an S.

Yes, they do go for the ones they can manipulate. Maybe not consciously, but they do. They are selfish, they can't see anything from anyone else's point of view.

Horrible, isn't it? My XH fancies himself like this, and I for the life of me don't know why I let him convince me he was a catch. But I went from knowing I was in a pretty sad marriage, to (because he was chatting up other women but denying it) becoming obsessed with him. Part mystery solving - who is he with, what is he doing - and part if somebody else wants it then it must be worth something. And part wanting what you can't have (if somebody can manage to explain a)why this happens and b)how to make ti stop I'd be ever so grateful, thanks).

Odd thing is, he is now making an utter tit of himself with a woman who is playing the same game on him that he played on me. It is so interesting, plus a gamut of other emotions including depressing, intriguing and embarrassing, to see that these intense emotional states really don't have much to do with personalities or connections, and much much more to do with techniques and stupid parts of human nature/psychology.

He sounds embarrassing. That intense flirting thing does not age well and soon you're the sad bloke the young women fight not to be sat next to at the work's Christmas lunch. Grim.

My advice is ALWAYS to find a guy to bridge the gap. It really helps.

Sorry, just jumped to the end without continuing to read as I was reminded of my BIL. He's a nice enough fella but he's a bit of a womaniser and only falls in love with women who are absolute shite. If I find his gf interesting and lovely you can be certain that he is not in love with her. He has appalling taste in women.

OP, it is nothing to do with your value, honestly. Some men just have shite taste, just as some women will only be happy with a bastard.