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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I will always come second to drugs so I'm going to end it.

24 replies

Borninatrap · 25/05/2017 22:00

After reading another thread and being rejected for sex masked as ED for months, I've come to realise weed is the 'OW' in my relationship.

It is cryatal clear that my DP prefers a drug to a real person. And that real person is me. He is incapable of a real relationship. He has sacrificed his money, our sex life, our happiness, my company and my love so that he can smoke his life away. He is 41. He doesn't seem to realise he hasn't got forever.

I have asked him numerous times to stop or at least cut down. He's says he will but doesn't. He gets stoned every single day. I have no idea how he manages to do his job on that shit. I am FURIOUS with him.

AIBU? I don't even know why I'm asking that question because I know I'm not. I have been raped as a child, survived really physical domestic abuse and an eating disorder whilst raising 3 brilliant dc's alone but do I need to get off my head constantly? No. Has had he had any trauma? Not really, he left his poor ex after 14 years with no kids or marriage or house. Just dropped her because he 'wasn't happy'. How the fuck can you be when you've not lived in the real world since you were 18? Sorry about the rant.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 25/05/2017 22:05

You are amazingly strong. You really don't need this useless asshole do you? Get rid x

foxyloxy78 · 25/05/2017 22:06

He must be addicted.Have you suggested counselling for him? Has he ever tried to cut down?

Original poster

Borninatrap · 25/05/2017 22:09

He is definitely addicted and yes I have suggested counselling and yes he has been and no nothing has worked to get him to cut down. I'm at the end of my tether with it.

I love him so much but my love hasn't beaten addiction and I don't think it ever will. I'm not strong jeaux I'm defeated.

OP posts:

Original poster

Borninatrap · 25/05/2017 22:10

And also incapable of using a comma in my defeat, it seems!

OP posts:

mayhew · 25/05/2017 22:11

But you are strong. You have sparkling clarity. You are solving your own problem by cutting him loose.
Whereas him, he lives in a fog of weed, selfishness and avoidance of responsibility.

missyB1 · 25/05/2017 22:14

you can't win in this contest, the weed will always win. An addict cannot be cured unless they want to be. He's ruining his own life but don't let him ruin yours. Leave, move on, and stay strong.

Original poster

Borninatrap · 25/05/2017 22:19

missy you are so right. Nothing, absolutely nothing can beat it. Not the love and adoration of a 5 year old little girl, not the breakdown of a brilliant sex life, not even the crashing depression that hits him with alarming regularity. He always goes back to it. What a joke it has played on him and he has played on himself. He uses it to calm his mind and his anxiety but it makes him hole into himself so much that he loses all the good bits of his life.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 25/05/2017 22:37

My sister is the same. She leaves early from family gatherings so she can smoke it. She says it's a pain relief but it's a crutch and an addiction.

You are really strong you have clearly been through so much already and this is the worst thing. When you are strong and you have motivated yourself to cope by whatever it is that kept you focussed....he just doesn't have that. He is not you. He never will be. You can't fix this.

Original poster

Borninatrap · 25/05/2017 22:53

Yep. He is weak. I used to mistake it for him being nice and laid back. Now, I see he is just weak. He has no fortitude. My respect for him has gone. So it is definitely time to call it a day.

OP posts:

BubblingUp · 25/05/2017 23:01

You can't compete with addiction. All you can do is leave.

goneanonymous · 25/05/2017 23:01

Congratulations and good luck OP. I ended a long marriage when I realised I was always going to be second to alcohol even though I did love him so much, he would never love me first. My next relationship made me the third party with the 'other woman' being dope. I have ditched him too and feel so strong realising that I am worth more than that. You are worth so much more than that too. Good luck and stay strong. If the respect has gone it is time for you to make your way as an amazing single woman who knows she is better than being second best to substance abuse. You are going to shine without that in your life.

Puddy234 · 25/05/2017 23:28

Help. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years he lives with me. Doesn't contribute to any household bills etc because he wants me to include him on the tenancy and register on electoral register before he does this. .fair enough but he literally doesn't give me a penny and lives a very free lifestyle when it comes to his money. He gambles and drinks etc and has watched me struggle to even scrape together enough to clothe my son and doesn't bat an eye lid. We were planning to get a place together in order to 'share' the cost of things but I'm just so worried.

deste · 25/05/2017 23:36

Borninatrap and Puddy234 the same advice to both of you, get rid and the sooner the better.

Cookingongas · 25/05/2017 23:36

I'm sorry for you're wasted time op, joyful that you've chosen a future without the waste of an addict.

Puddy- stop searching for a place together and leave. Now. He's a bad un.

Hermonie2016 · 26/05/2017 06:58

Puddy, maybe start your own thread to get more support.
It isn't fair that he doesn't give you money, what kind of man does that?

Please don't give up your home, he will drag you and your child down.Your child doesn't have a choice to live this life so don't move.It will get worse and you won't be able to get him out.

Any addiction always comes first over you.Once you realise you deserve better you will find strength to end it.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/05/2017 11:37

Some people think weed is harmless.
It's not.
It ruins people.
Not all people but it can seriously mess you up.
Well done on deciding to end it.

lanouvelleheloise · 26/05/2017 11:39

Do it, do it, do it. It is hard short term, but in the long term your life will be so much less painful and easier. Sometimes in life you have to go through pain so that you have a chance to escape out the other side of a black-and-white life and into technicolour.

number1wang · 26/05/2017 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhhBetty · 26/05/2017 12:06

No one is unreasonable to end a relations for any reason so if you're unhappy just end it.
Fwiw I have been through similar things to you and more and I did turn to drugs. I had an addicted to a specific drug but would take many things. Weed was also a constant for a long time. I don't think that makes me weaker than you or in any way beneath you. I just wanted anything to be out of reality. People take drugs for a variety or reasons and you also may have no idea if he's been through trauma. Only 3 people in my RL know part of my past. I know this isn't the point of the thread but I just wanted to add it in.

number1wang · 26/05/2017 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IronNeonClasp · 26/05/2017 13:12

OP. I gave my ex-DH an ultimatum in October. Give it up or leave. He moved out earlier this month.

Unfortunately my DC will still see it. I don't actually have a problem with it recreationally but I do with it being rolled in front of my kids. And everything ended as our relationship broke down - the social anxiety- wouldn't come anywhere with me, take me out. Sex completely broke down. It's really, really sad. I wish you all the luck in the world

TuppenceForYou · 26/05/2017 13:31

at a party, occasionally, i have no problem with weed.

but honestly men smoking it all the time - I think what a waste of space. And I'm sorry, but they usually are . They lose all drive, and most of them become complete drips. They can't develop emotionally and they are the same at 37 as they were at 27 as they were at 17, I believe because the weed creates a chemical bubble around them so they never have to face reality. Thats when you say OP he's never lived in the real world since he was 18 you are absolutely right.

If you remain angry with him you are still involved in the emotional struggle, one he doesn't give two figs for, by the way. Don't waste your energy, just get away from him.

Good luck.

Adora10 · 26/05/2017 13:51

Sorry but I know a few men personally who smoke it every day and they are fully functioning and efficient; they don't walk about like zombies and you'd never know so I don't buy into the waste of space. Weed is like any addiction, like alcohol, it's just not as socially accepted.

Either way, he needs to at least try giving it up; maybe if you give him an ultimatum he might get a light bulb moment but he's not doing it to get at you; he feels he needs it, simple as that.

Mindprowlxr · 12/06/2017 18:28

Hi, im quite new here and im sorry to hear that there are many of us here facing the same problems :/ i have the same situation but i feel more stuck then some.

Im married to my husband of 3 years and we have a 3 year old girl tgthr. We live with his parents and my family isnt of much help so theres no whereelse i could go if i were to leave him. He is addicted to some non class A drugs but still drugs nonetheless and he has been in the hospital before due to this but keeps coming back. He has also been in prison due to drugs and came out clean before i met him. I constantly give my support to help him get through the addiction but he always cast my feelings aside and doesnt seem to care that his daughter sees all this and understands altho i know he loves her too. We have fought countless of times due to me finding out the things he uses and the instruments i find in his room. And time and time again he gets away with me giving him chances and him giving me empty promises of change. I want to walk away because i feel i deserve more. He has a hard time finding a job but i have a steady full time job. he doesnt ask me for money but he does ask from his parents. Im ashamed to know he does that. I am financially independent but its not enough to go on my own. If i were to leave him, i risk losing my daughter too as his parents are taking good care of her and i since im working a full day job i wont be able to leave and still take care of her too. So if i leave i will lose my daughter but if i stay i will lose my mind. I am just very very stuck here. 😔

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