DH made a financial decision without me

[Raisinsaretoddlercrack]

Our 2nd family runaround car was written off by an uninsured driver. We agreed to sit down and discuss claiming on the insurance Vs not claiming and taking on debt to replace the car or getting a salary sacrifice scheme rented car through work. I was leaning towards claiming and, he was leaning towards not claiming, but no decision was made and he promised to wait until we had an offer from the insurance company before sitting down and looking at our options.

Today DH went to a friends house and took the decision to go out and buy a new car with his friend knowing full well I wouldn't be happy. We are not a family that can easily afford to just go and buy a car - we budget fairly tightly due to having two young DDs in nursery.

We have (had?!) a marriage where we share bank accounts and finances completely and we have never taken decisions like this without discussing them fully with eachother. Often I have taken the lead financially (eg looking into mortgages, sorting monthly incomings/outgoings etc ) as I tend to have a better head for figures, but everything has always been discussed and agreed. I'm realing now that he had gone and done this. I feel betrayed and like the trust has been damaged, I'm shaking right now I am so so angry.

He had made some half arsed agreement with his friend over lending the money - nothing in writing, no repayment plan agreed. I barely know this friend and whilst he comes across as nice I thinks is really odd that he is taking such an interest in our family. He has been very insistent in getting my DH to accept this loan and at one point was saying it was a gift. I feel very uneasy about the whole thing and have made this clear to my DH but he chose to ignore this. I keep hearing that "Mark" (not his real name) thinks claiming will effect our insurance premiums too much, Mark says DH will have to start again with his no claims, Mark's feelings will be hurt if I don't accept this gift/loan, Mark doesn't want us to be without a car, Mark doesn't want us to line the pockets of the insurance company. Who the fuck is Mark, and why do his opinions matter more than mine?! I am blaming my DH here not Mark, but AIBU to feel a bit weird about Mark's sudden influence on my DH?

DH accepts that I have a right to get angry but says I just have to get over it. It was the "best decision for our family" (irrelevent) and as the policy was in his name it was his decision. My argument is that it effects the family's finances for the next 2 years or so therfore a family decision.

I know compared to some this is a minor problem but it has massively shocked me as we don't have the sort of marriage where we break promises and go behind eachother backs. I feel so angry and betrayed. I have no idea where to go from here

No he's not eastern European. A cultural difference would be a perfect explanation but unfortunately I can't explain it away as easily as that.

Don't watch cable guy

it's obvious - your dh wanted the freedom of choosing 'his' car without your input - so he did.

you see them both as 'family' cars whereas he probably feels he wants the veto on 'his' car.

He should still have waited until you'd heard back from the insurance co. so you could decide the best option for yourselves.
He isn't actually sorry because he knew exactly what he was doing.....it's a passive aggressive way of reasserting control & independence

I doubt he's 'changed' since he met Mark, more likely he was just good at disguising his not-so-attractive side?
Are you aware of any other issues between you?

My ex did similar when we were married. Except he actually " lent" our money to Mark. Turns out they were having and EA and Mark was very very manipulative.

BTW Ex claimed that it he wasn't gay and neither was mark but it had every hallmark of an EA. Mark and his wife split up and so did we.

I have had a relatively calm discussion with DH this morning. I explained again how his actions have made me feel undermined and have told him I am not happy with the level of control Mark seems to have and that his opinions are being held as more important than mine. He's to keep Mark away from me for now as I don't want to say anything unkind that I will regret.

I have said that i feel he has crossed boundaries with Mark and whilst I am really pleased he has a close friend, he needs to take a step back and think about what he is looking doing.

DH is very apologetic but I am still annoyed and have told him that he needs to respect the fact that whilst I don't want an atmosphere, I am not feeling very warm towards him at the moment.

I have reiterated that if he continues to go down this path of excluding me, making decisions with a 3rd party, breaking promises and going behind my back I will take it very seriously and see it as a sign that we are not the strong partnership I thought we were and it would be the beginning of the end.

I am perfectly happy with the choice of car etc and through all of this was never particularly opinionated about that to start with. He has admitted that he did it because he new it was a quick way to get his own way and accepts it was wrong. I've made it clear that it's the underhand way he went about things that I have an issue with.

Thank you for all the replies. It really helps to know that others would feel the same and that my anger was justified (I'm not generally an angry person). I'm feeling a lot better now I have had a proper discussion with him, although I will be keeping a close eye on the Mark situation for a while.

Unfuckingbelievable

DH went out today to "sort the car" which he implied was test driving it again after it had been serviced by the garage, sorting tax etc. He wasn't happy with how the car drove and got his deposit back due to the garage not following through on their promises.

Instead of coming back to me and discussing it he went out with Mark and bought a new car at double the price of the last one, doubling our debt to Mark without consulting me knowing full well he has literally just promised not to do anything like this again. We now owe Mark £2500 I haven't agreed to and have been gifted £1000.

I am absolutely fuming and devastated that he has done this after I was so clear about boundaries, undermining me, going behind my back etc etc etc. I feel like I have entered some sort of twilight zone where my DH has suddenly had a personality transplant.

After an hour of considering things upstairs in an absolute rage I have gone downstairs and told him to listen and not say a word. I have told him he has 3 options.

Option 1- he leaves the family home right now, returning when I need him for overnight childcare due to night shifts. He can have contact with the DC whenever he likes but away from me. This goes on as long as I feel I need it to for me to decide what to do next.

Option 2 - if he is unprepared to leave the family home I will finish my next set of night shifts and then take the DC to my mums house 2 hours away. Telling her fully what has happened (she will loose respect for him which would upset him as he holds my mum in high regard). He will not have access to the DC and I will stay there for the entire duration of my 9 days off returning only for my next set of shifts/holiday which he will no longer be welcome to come on. (Holiday in my name)

Option 3 - get a loan, pay Mark off in full, I expect to see the evidence of this. Never ever discuss our finances with him again. This is a massive compromise which he doesnt deserve because initially I said I wanted him to get his money back on the car and then make a decision together. I expect the loan to be researched today and sorted by close of play tomorrow as it is a bank hol.

He's downstairs now on money comparison sites looking at loans.

Mark is never to set foot in the house again and he is never to have contact with the DC as I don't trust him and never will. Everytime they get together I am undermined. I feel like saying I don't want DH to ever see Mark again but I realise that he is an adult and entitled to have friends even if I can't stand them.

Right now I don't feel like I'm ever going to trust or respect him again.

What an awful situation OP.

You have every right to be furious.

Mark.sounds like a friend who is a poison to your relationships. Maybe I'm wearing judgey pants but I can see him being the type to book lads weekends away etc too.

Not sure what you should do, but it might be worth talking to your mum. I down say that lightly because I'm not a fan of people airing laundry with family but this is a biggie.

Well this bromance is flourishing fast. A bit of a "Diana" moment, there are 3 of you in this marriage now, and you're the party pooper.

I would be incredibly angry and a bit scared.

Midlife crisis

Absolutely seething on your behalf. What a complete arsehole. Mark sounds very sinister.

Oh my goodness! What an unbelievable and thoughtless twat!! What on earth was he thinking?? This Mark is very odd and he's clearly undermining you to DH. My guess is he's single and wants single friends. Be very very wary. Your DH is dangerously listening to this man

Just going slightly against the grain here. DP & I are incredibly fortunate to own our house outright in our early 30s, which affords us a certain level of financial freedom. We save a reasonable amount each month, but haven't hesitated in the past to offer to lend friends money when they've been in need. For us it's a way of using our situation to help those we care about as we're both incredibly conscious that we're privileged to be in such a position at our age.

That obviously doesn't take away from the fact your DH has gone behind your back not once, but twice after you've expressly explained your concerns, and in your shoes I too would be furious! I just wonder whether to Mark the money is just a drop in the ocean and he's just genuinely trying to help a friend out.

wifey You sound generous and friendly.
I would imagine though that if you helped friends out then all parties would know and be happy.

The deceit in this situation is the issue to me and the fact that Mark seems very very involved in all these secret dealings.

My eyebrows are in my hairline reading your update. Your H hasn't learnt anything from the initial issue and I can totally understand why you're furious! He also prioritising Mark and putting him first in your marriage. I do think this might be a deal breaker for me, loan or no loan. DH and I have a verbal agreement that we run purchases by each other if we spend more than £50!!

Thank you all. He's taken the day off work tomorrow and we are going to sort this mess out together before I start work in the afternoon.

He's going to take a step back from Mark. I am going to make sure the full 3.5k is returned to him.

I'm going to my friends house tonight to get out the house and then after tomorrow morning I have 3 shifts where the timings mean I don't have to see him for 3 days straight.

I am still more furious that I have ever been with him before in my life but hopefully tomorrow morning we should at least be able to begin to sort out this mess.

MaisyPops I would absolutely hope that all parties would discuss it, and agree that in the OP's case the deceit is terrible. I was just trying to offer up an alternative viewpoint to "Mark" being weird for offering a large sum of money to a friend. DP and I would always sooner offer to help than watch a friend struggle with repayments and a likely ridiculous interest rate to boot.

Dh may not be gay but would not be at all surprised if Mark is.

It would feel to me like I was being usurped by Mark in my DH's affections.

Wifey you sound lovely. I am trying to keep my anger to my DH rather than Mark as you are right, he may just be insanely generous and there may not be anything more to it. However he did offer the money to me first and I thanked him and politely refused. He went ahead knowing my DH and I were not in agreement so he must have known it would cause problems. Due to this I now don't trust him.

Mark has had a girlfriend in the past although as far as I am aware DH didn't ever meet her and she didn't live with him. It wouldn't shock me at all if Mark was gay although DH has never mentioned anything to do with Mark's sexuality. It wouldnt bother me if he was gay or if he had a crush on DH. In fact it would probably make me feel a little more at ease as I'd have an easy explanation!

All of this has been so out of character for DH. It's really screwed my head up tbh

New friendships can be very intense sometimes, hopefully that's all it is - he's dazzled by his new mate. Absolutely unacceptable behaviour from your husband though and he should be now working from a perspective of trying to save his marriage if that's what he wants.

Have you thought that maybe your husband is using Mark as a convenient scapegoat for his decisions/actions?
Especially seeing as he is aware of Mark's 'generosity'?

You can't trust your husband - he could easily do this again tomorrow.
I suggest you move half the savings etc into an account he has no access to before he does something else.

Wow OP!! Mark is really turning your DH head!! You refused a loan from him so he's kept pushing it with your Dh, not once but many times which is now putting you into far more debt than you ever anticipated. Mark is a manipulative person and a dangerous one - there's an angle here for sure. He appears to be way over invested in decisions which affect your family and are big decisions.
Your options to DH are reasonable, I'm not sure I would've been quite so measured. No chance of car being returned to garage & refunded??? Pay off Mark & deal with it from there?

Wow, I can understand why you're furious OP. When I read your update, my jaw dropped! It's like your H was saying a big "Fuck you" to you.

He's going to have to work damn hard to regain your trust, and even then, this betrayal might be too big to fix.

Sorry you're going through this.