Am I being a bit silly?

[user1495718657]

Hey Mumsnetters!

This is my first post. I found this site a while ago and so admire all the help you give each other! I wonder if you can give me some advice on my, admittedly small, but annoying issue I have with my DP.

Background... we have been together 3 and a half years and live together with a mortgage. Great relationship and generally very happy.

My gripe is that DP is so forgetful of things and just really takes very little responsibility for anything (such as organisation, bills, decision making etc). I find forever being the organiser, the mum almost! He can sometimes be the same when it comes to us doing things together too. I really don't think he means it, he's just grown up with a mum who treated him like a prince therefore can be a bit selfish unless someone points it out.

We are a relatively young couple so I guess I'm wondering... were any of your DP/DH like this in the early days? Can you "train" them to become more engaged in the boring stuff?

Thanks guys

Good start...keep it up:)
He will soon get the message...hopefully!

You are not playing games by making plans with a friend.

He made it abundantly clear that he had no interest in spending time with you. What were you supposed to do? Sit at home quietly waiting for him to decide he could be arsed to talk to you? No, you did a normal thing and made plans to see someone who is interested in seeing you. You had no reason at all to believe he was going to do anything other than play Xbox tomorrow night too. That is not a game. That is consequences for him and self-respect for you.

Why were you away for a week? I'm intrigued now, even though I should be asleep...

God what's the point though? I mean, it all seems like hard work. In our 20s we often waste years on men who don't warrant the effort, most of us have done it.
At 23, after only 3 years together you would think he would be excited to have you home and paying you some attention not sitting with his toy. As I have got older I find I can no longer sustain any sexual interest in a man who can't do normal adult things, or who is selfish.
Life really is very short. If you must waste a few years on bad men at least find some entertaining ones.
Then give yourself a shake and find someone kind, caring and responsible.

Run that's so hard to hear but you are probably right. Long story short I had an operation a couple of weeks ago for which I have obviously been off work. Last weekend I suffered complications from this and ended up rushed back to hospital (nothing remotely life threatening). Because DP was working all week we decided that I should go recuperate with my parents as they were home to care for me. So before tonight, the last time he saw me was when he visited me at the hospital on Monday. (I have to say I'm now completed recovered and feel good). Doesn't do much to add to this picture I'm painting.

Ifnot it really is hard work which is why I'm now really questioning it all. I guess for the most part he really is lovely and caring. He just goes through these motions sometimes where it seems like he just simply doesn't about anyone but himself!

I've got big decisions to make.

*doesnt care

I know you are probably thinking - he obviously just doesn't care about you!

But, well why is he with me then? I'm sure he would have plenty of options if he went out and tried. He could also still easily be at home with his parents if he wanted a carer. He instigated moving in together and taking on the mortgage. He speaks about our future and is lovely when we are spending time together. It's so confusing. I'm so confused by him.

It doesn't paint a good picture, no, to think that you've just come home from hospital and he couldn't tear himself away from the X box, nor even get at least a ready meal or oven pizza in for you both to eat. What would you do if he'd just left hospital? Not that, I would bet. Pull right back and just look after yourself for a bit.

He doesn't need to be at home with his parents to have a carer. He's got you. See also taking on the mortgage: sure, it's a financial cost, but cheap at the price given that he gets a loving partner and housekeeper thrown in.

None of this means he doesn't care about you. It does mean he cares more about himself and that guides a lot of his everyday decisions.

I am sure he likes living with you. I am sure it is much better than living with his mum and dad. Living with your parents is constraining and people think you are a bit of a loser as you get older.

I bet you have lots of fun times. It is socially acceptable for a man to live with his girlfriend and for her to do all the wifework. Plenty of men aspire to that kind of relationship and see nothing wrong with it.

Yesterday he committed unforgivable dumpable offences. You had been ill and had to go elsewhere to recuperate. He didn't collect you from your parents. He didn't help you with the trains. He wasn't even taking the bother to give proper attention to your messages. He didn't welcome you home properly. He played on Xbox instead of giving you attention after you being ill. He didn't even have a welcome home meal cooked or the house and fridge in tip top condition.

No flowers, no dinner, no favourite box set, no attention, nothing, you had to catch up on the work he'd left for you. No, you went to supermarket to buy his dinner after all that while he played Xbox. And neither of you found that unusual.

It is all disrespectful in the extreme and should have you splitting up on the basis of last night alone. Appalling behaviour.

Maybe he was punishing you for going away. Selfish men hate it when the chief household appliance has needs of her own and puts them before his dinner and being available to have fun and chat when he decides he wants fun and chat.

You were put firmly in your place when you got home. Incredibly rudely.

Win you say he is being lovely, what does that look like? Is it just him giving you attention and/or paying you compliments, having a laugh together, telling you he loves you etc? Or does he actually get off his arse and pull his weight round the house, plan/cook dinner, go out of his way for you? If it's the former you might want to redefine your definition of "lovely". You wouldn't go to work full time and have them pay you in smiles and compliments. Likewise you are doing most/all of the work at home and falling for his nice words. But love is a verb and all that.

Glad you are feeling better btw.

If i had been in hospital/away for a week i would have come back to a fridge full of food or taken to a restaurant for a celebratory meal for being home and a cleanish house- we've been together years....

I do pick up most of the slack/wifework most of the time in some things as choose to but DH is a man not a child..

I think your expectations are way too low....and he does only improve if you have a go.... as Rabbit says actually change your behavior however as you have enabled this to a certain extent I would have a conversation with him..with concrete examples...

You are both adults you can make choices and if he wants to be an adult not a child then he needs to grow up and pull his finger out..
If not then you need to be an adult and decide whether you are ok with that..

As for why is he with you - why would he change anything ?
he has a complete cushy life .....

You are asking the wrong question - Why are you with him?

Thanks again everyone. I really am lost for words and don't really know what to reply because I can't believe I've let myself get in a daft position like this!

He does pull his weight around the house for the most part and we generally have a good life by way of getting out and doing things together. It's just every now and again he reverts back to behaviour like this.

For example, when I was rushed to hospital at the start of the week he was so attentive and genuinely worried for me. He rallied round and went home for a suitcase and did a good job of thinking about what I would need and brought things he knows I would like food wise - then spent the whole night making a fuss over me. Saying that, that's just what you should do when your partner is unwell I guess.

Avery what you said is right it's my expections that is the problem. Why should he make an effort when I allow him to act like my child. This whole thing makes us sound like a pair of teenagers never mind 2 adults with a house and jobs!

He's had a bit of a wake up call today though after me ignoring him last night and this morning. I got messages from him saying he's realised what an arse he was last night and how sorry he is. I've told him that means nothing because the fact is if he wanted to be with me last night he would have! He's sent numerous messages apologising profusely and saying that his head just up his arse sometimes and he doesn't think.

Rabbit I questioned what he thinks he would come home to had the roles been reversed. I've told him his behaviour is awful, that I'm seriously considering my options and just left him to stew.

I haven't lifted a finger in the house. He can see to his own meals tonight. I'm going to go enjoy this lovely sunshine with friends and if he wants to get a grip he can, if not then so be it. This is all probably my own making but I'll see what happens.

Thanks to you all!

The "so attentive" behaviour you speak of is the minimum I'd expect from a partner in that situation tbh. You obviously have low expectations of him/your relationships if you think that's good rather than just normal?

I could not be with someone who only respected me on days he felt like it. Or who was only capable of acting like an adult when pushed to it by a massive row.

Anyway glad you are enjoying the sunshine with your friends today. Don't let him charm his way back into your good books too soon or you'll be reinforcing again that he only needs to be nice some of the time to get away with treating you like his skivvy the rest of the time.

What! You were away because you were recovering from an op and when you came home he pretty much ignored you? That's quite shocking! That isn't the behaviour of someone who cares about you.