Hi,
I'm going to try and keep this as efficient as possible - as per, there's a million things, details, anecdotes etc that I could relay, but we'd be here all day.
I'm 29, divorced, solvent, successful, no kids; he's nearly 47, solvent, divorced, 9 year old child. Dating 7 months. All fine until month 4/5.
Unanimously, all my friends and parents say to not bother with him, I deserve better etc. They think he's rude, controlling, immature and doesn't act his age in the slightest. We've gone through a two month rocky patch. Essentially, I was going to his 6 nights a week. I had told him, several times, this wasn't workable for me - I was knackered and at his beck and call (he has his child half the week). We were having crisis talks. I laid down my standard - I didn't ask him to change anything about himself; it was more 'this is my baseline. I will not settle for less'. In the week since, he hasn't really come on leaps and bounds. Only now he walks on the outside of the pavement (although makes a song and dance about it).
Quick list of things he does, positive and negative:
- exact same cultural interests as me;
- smart, educated, can make me laugh. In the first few months, we had a click that, for me, is rare. Maybe happened once before in my life;
- has called me 'despicable', 'egocentric', 'thoughtless', 'oafish' for infractions such as I had a bad day and had a vent whilst he wanted to talk about some 'harrowing' lecture he'd just been to;
- calls me 'selfish' because e.g. I don't always put my seatbelt on - not a passing comment. I mean he rails at me for it. Also comments, with a tone, how much I swear or that I am 'a barrage of cynicism'. I feel he criticises me a lot...and I feel like I have to drop things into conversation to prove e.g. that I'm not 'thoughtless' or 'selfish' by mentioning how I did something for a friend's birthday, or that other people think I do lots of little sweet things for them;
- childishly pouts perhaps in an effort to control i.e. despite me saying 6 nights a week was too much, he says that my current optimal 2-3 times per week of seeing each other 'doesn't make me feel close to you. I feel like it's not a relationship. I don't feel connected to you and it's only been a week' - subtext to me being 'unless you bend to my will and go back to 6 nights per week of seeing each other, I won't love you as much';
- constantly promises the future e.g. just after I broke up with him 6 days ago, it's all 'let's go for a weekend away!' or 'let's go visit my dad's home town' (I've never met his father before);
- gets upset if I don't have the same reaction to e.g. a movie as him;
- if I'm upset at something he has done, he'll excuse it by saying 'it's just well-intentioned banter. You need to grow a thicker skin'.
I have never ever said to him 'you are too X; you need to change by doing Y'. I let him be him...my philosophy being 'people don't change. You either accept their flaws/quirks, or you walk. It's your problem, not theirs'.
When I was married before, EVERYONE said EXH was a bad egg. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. My gut reaction is just end it. A big part of this is that I can't handle dating again. I like the domesticity of a 7 month relationship. God, that's pathetic, isn't it? I find myself biting my tongue a lot around him or looking at him thinking 'ugh. Shut up' or thinking he's a gaslighter/hypocrite. Part of me thinks 'it shouldn't be this hard in the honeymoon period', the other thinks 'fuck. There was a great spark'
Oh wisdom of MN, help a girl out, please?