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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help, need advice :-(

39 replies

user1495708571 · 25/05/2017 11:39

Ok, I'm new here so please be gentle, but I'm in desperate need of some advice. Basically, I was six months pregnant with my son when I found some messages on my husbands phone to a girl he worked with. Some were friendly, others were more explicit, detailing stuff he wanted to do to her, and how he had been looking at hotels for them both to go to.

Anyway, we worked through it, had our baby boy, he left his job, we went to marriage counselling and have been getting on ok since (this was 2 years ago).

Last Friday night, he went out with some old workmates, I was fine with this, but some photos have gone up on Facebook this morning that he's tagged in, and she's on there, smiling away.

It's knocked me sick, for one thing, I had no clue she was going to be there, but then why would he tell me as he knew I'd freak out. But now the photos are there for all to see!

What do I do? Do I bring it up? I don't want to drag stuff up from our past as we have done so well in moving on from it, but I'm shaking and it's really upset me. I've scrolled through the pics, and to be fair, there's only one on there where they are together, and it was a group photo of about twenty people. The others, she's on them with other people.

What the hell do I do??

OP posts:

Joysmum · 25/05/2017 16:03

Just ask him how he thinks you feel about it.

He should be understanding and reassuring plus deeply apologetic you're upset.

If he's not, your relationship definitely isn't good even 2 years on.

TheNaze73 · 25/05/2017 16:05

People respect what you inspect.

You have every bloody right to challenge him on it. If you can't ask him, your relationship is done

Original poster

user1495708571 · 25/05/2017 16:17

I know you're all right but you have to understand it's not an easy thing for me to bring up with him, I just desperately want to move on from this

OP posts:

Joysmum · 25/05/2017 16:26

And the way to do that is honesty from you both and acceptance that it's only natural for you to feel upset.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 25/05/2017 16:31

The old wound has been opened. You don't have to deal with that alone if he's on board with you about getting back/staying on an even keel.

Adora10 · 25/05/2017 16:31

Moving on should not be you basically cowering to him so he is made to feel more important than you; it was HIM who betrayed you remember, you did and have done fuck all wrong; unless you actually appear his equal then he will continue to disregard your feelings, esp if you can't even bloody tell him.

Adora10 · 25/05/2017 16:34

Some were friendly, others were more explicit, detailing stuff he wanted to do to her, and how he had been looking at hotels for them both to go to.

Why was he looking at hotels OP if nothing sexual happened, jesus, it's pretty obvious by what you say above.

Sorry I am not trying to rub salt and I truly hope he has done this unwittingly and has not intended to upset you but until you actually confront him, you will never know and then it's something else to add to the heap under that carpet.

Original poster

user1495708571 · 25/05/2017 16:43

Ok, well I texted him, couldn't leave it until he got home and he's apologised. Said he didn't know she was going to be there and by then it was too late to do anything about it and he's sorry he didn't tell me but he didn't want to upset me.....where do I go from here??

OP posts:

scottishllama · 25/05/2017 16:46

Be honest, tell him that his not telling you has resulted in you losing your trust in him. He should have texted you when out to tell you that she'd unexpectedly arrived, or left and told you when you get home.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/05/2017 16:46

Where do you want to go from here?
Do you believe what he's telling you?
Could you both agree to sit down and discuss your feelings on everything?
You clearly can't just bury them because they eventually come back to haunt you, as you've found out.

Joysmum · 25/05/2017 16:47

You can talk it through further if you need to. It's ok to express hurt and disappointment and a good to remind him how these things don't disappear.

Was he interacting with her? Was it a very large group so he wasn't with her?

Original poster

user1495708571 · 25/05/2017 16:52

It was a group of about 30 people and the photo he's on, it's a big group pic. She's on other photos but he's not on any of them. I do believe him, he's not done anything since marriage counselling to make me think otherwise, until this of course.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 25/05/2017 16:56

How can you trust him when he does this sort of thing, you have no idea what even went on as you were not there; I am just astounded that he had to let you find out by seeing her on FB, ridiculous, not the actions I'd be impressed with.

Having said that, you want to stay together but I'd make it pretty clear I was not happy; if they don't work together why was she even there?

Original poster

user1495708571 · 25/05/2017 17:07

It was a leaving do for someone at his old place of work. He got invited because he's still friends with a few of them. My worry is, did he go because he knew she'd show up or was it a genuine mistake? I don't think I'll ever know. And you're right, it was a real dick move of him to let me find out through Facebook.

OP posts:

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