Hand hold while I try and end this? (Again)

[Yellowbag]

Just posting to get it all down really, discovered DH affair some months ago, gave him another chance, he revealed all, promised it was a massive mistake and he'd ended it... ups and downs since we started again but he seemed to be on the right page. Just checking his phone records to make sure, as he's not been as open with his phone as I'd like (difficult habit to crack apparently ) noticed a different number, called a lot, I thought sod it and just called it to see who answered, of course it was ow, (on a different number from last time) though she didn't want to admit who she was. He's been calling her the whole time we've been 'working on our marriage' probably meeting her too. I can't think of any other explanation. He's not just an idiot who made a mistake, he's a cold hearted psycho. He knows I know. He's trying to gaslight, bluff, minimise, blame me for ruining it when he was 'trying so hard' I have to divorce him asap, I'm so tired, I'm so scared, I can't believe I'm here again, even though part of me was pretty sure I would be.
And a little extra background, with the affair (of approx 1-2 years probably) came the abusive behaviour towards me, verbal, emotional. And lots and lots of gaslighting about the affair. So I'm really scared about the future and how best to protect my kids. And I'm so confused and freaked out by this weird game they are playing with me, she denied any affair completely on the phone, even though he's already admitted it happened. They deserve each other with their lies.

Sorry, it's my first ever comment on here. I certainly don't want to detract from the original OP.
I've been watching for a few weeks and seen great support and advice, been trying to get up the courage to write my own thread, which I will.
Thank you though isitjustme, I've had a few types of therapies in the past with mostly unsatisfactory outcomes, have been battling lifelong anxiety and depression. I think it's time to try counselling again.

for you rosetinted don't worry it's good to know we're not alone, it's so hard, I'm definitely conditioned to put him first, that's so hard to break.

He has not been in contact, I think he tried to call but I switched my phone off to sleep. Worried about his next move. Off to sleep some more now.

I was planning on counselling for myself after it all first came out, but I figured I wouldn't be able to afford more than a few sessions so wasn't sure if it would be worth it? I may think again now.

Morning OP how r u feeling this morning? Well done on switching your phone off. Be prepared for him not to let this go. His pride will be hurt now so will try to get you back with more lies. You've done the hard part!!

Holding your hand. 🤝💐

Morning, I'm a bit better for getting some sleep thanks, I spoke briefly to him last night, just asked about the kids. He's texted in the night and said sorry for everything. I've just asked him to confirm his plans so we can explain to the kids.

Yellow, well done on remaining strong.No one wants to break up a marriage but his behaviour has caused this.I'm so sorry it's happening to you.Please know you can be happy again.

Rosetinted, you are showing great insight when you reflect about his needs ahead of yours.At some level you may feel you dont deserve better.Focus on yourself, read the Listen up post at the start of relationship board.Don't settle as that as that just leads to a lifetime of pain.

Yes you're right Isitjustme he's not going to let go easily, he obviously imagines he can still turn this round somehow! I'll just have to stay firm, I bought a book last week about assertiveness, but haven't had chance to read it!

Thank you hermonie, I am still locked in a battle between the me I know deserves better and the victim I've been conditioned to be. I'll definitely read the post you've suggested and continue to get inspiration from this page. I hope to offer advice to others here too once I've taken control of my life back, to pay the support forward.
A few kind words help so much.

Well I have to say I'm feeling much calmer and happier today. He has been round to see the kids twice since I last posted, both times he's been incredibly emotional and said he'll do anything and can't live without me etc... He asked me today if there was any hope at all, and I said not in the immediate future, definitely in terms of 12months plus... He was a bit shocked then said however long, he would do it my way. He won't really talk about HER, just says he was trying to end things his own way and he messed up . I have in mind to do a legal separation. The reason I'm hesitant to jump to divorce is because I'm not sure who the real him is... Is it the man who's been here for the last 2 years of hell? or the one in the 10 years previous? I don't want to excuse his behaviour, I'm probably sounding naive here, but he does have some mitigating circumstances which could mean this behaviour is a breakdown from norm rather than his true colours. He had a life/death situation just before our first was born, then subsequent health problems, and I guess was thrown into fatherhood and didn't get the support he needed with that situation. Then add on two massively stressful work/financial situations a year later, then second child on the way. I can see how he fell into an affair/lost his way, anger/stress disorders surfaced and became abusive. I'm just unsure whether he could actually turn this around if he faces all his issues while we are separated.
For the moment however, it's a relief not to have the constant feeling of distrust, for today I've let go of him and if he goes to her it's none of my concern, it feels very liberating!

I do wonder though if abusive version would surface now if I went straight for divorce?

Just re read my post and I've worded it like I told him there's 'definitely' hope, I meant it more like definitely no hope in the immediate future, possibly after a long separation!

Don't make excuses for his affair! Sometimes seeing them so emotional and desperate can pull at the heart strings but, he's brought this on himself. You gave him plenty of chances and he hurt you!
You have done the right things making him leave and you need to stick to your guns now. Don't let him emotionally manipulate you.

Possibly a 2 year affair and you are minimising and making excuses for him; there are NO EXCUSES for what he has done to you OP, none.

I know, I know, and I will stick to my guns, it's just so confusing, to not know the man I spent my life with.

I definitely don't excuse his affair, I guess I'm just clutching at straws to try and blame circumstances rather than face that I married an asshole. That makes me the fool.

You are NOT a fool and please don't think that. You have finally come to your senses and done something about it, despite how hard it has been. I'm sure you will have lots of doubts and confusing times ahead but, stay strong. You're doing this for you and the children.