I just found porn in DH's internet history

[TheWhiteWolf]

The title says it all really.

I am using his laptop tonight to spruce up my cv. Went to copy and paste a sentence using Ctrl + V, however I mustn't have copied properly as what was pasted was a link from pornhub!

A quick look through his browsing history shows more of the same, it's not a daily occurrence maybe once every couple of weeks.

I will have to speak to him about it, I know that. I will do it tomorrow.

In the meantime I don't really know what to make of it. I know some people view this as really bad and almost as bad as cheating, I don't think I'm there but I'm also very very not happy about it either.

[fantasmasgoria1]

For me porn is a deal breaker. The reason for this is a previous partner used to look at it all the time and ask me why I couldn't look like the women in the films and do what they do. This was constant and I developed an eating disorder as a result of being made to feel so inadequate. Second partner knew how I felt but eventually still looked at it and was giving me no sex whatsoever saying it's not me and I was so attractive to him so why do it then? Fortunately my new fiancé doesn't look at it and says in his mind once in a relationship you should not need it! Op I think a discussion with your dh would be a good idea. You need to have your reasons why you are not comfortable with it ready to explain! I see that if you were having sex regularly it would not seem so bad and whilst it's true a lot of men look at porn a lot don't either!

[Babyg1995]

I personally wouldn't give him a hard time I'm female and watch porn I don't know if my dp does or not I don't care tbh he's a grown man and can watch it if he wants.

[PollyGasson24]

I tried to get into it as a couple's thing at one point, unfortunately it turns out he's not interested in sharing, just watching thinner/younger/prettier things performing for him, which makes me feel shit. So it would also make me feel crap if my partner was watching regularly but we had no sex. I don't understand why this would be, unless he didn't actually like you, or was super lazy. I'd try to get to the bottom of this angle, OP.

[ShowOfHands]

I'm afraid my DH can't be a man because not only does he not watch porn, he finds it abhorrent. He has always felt this way. Personally, I'm glad as our views are aligned.

I am absolutely clear in my own mind that porn is a dealbreaker but you need to have thresholds based on your own knowledge of the industry and your comfort levels. Erroneous statements claiming all men do it are of no use whatsoever. It's weak justification.

[MuffinsPyjamas]

Some things for OP to bear in mind:
-People don't always think of porn as cheating, but those people might still be embarrassed or feel awkward about telling anyone (including their spouse) if they view it. Also some people are ok with spouse watching it as long as they don't have to know about it. So there are some reasons why some watch secretly without it being a deception.
-There are ways that he could have hidden it more thoroughly, without being a computer expert.
-sometimes people watch porn for the first time out of curiosity, or watch for a quick bit of titillation (without it being for a wank as such) , online porn is a discreet and very fast way to get this, but it's also not easy to just get search results that are more on the tasteful side of things (ph is awful at showing results that are way more kinky than what was intended in the search)
-porn can have effects on relationships and sexual ability, but people don't tend to think of that in the thirty seconds they are looking for porn or the 3-4 minutes they watch it.
-it's only really possible to know if you're going to enjoy watching a particular video or set of pictures by watching the first bit and seeing if you find the people and setting attractive, so sometimes people watch the start of several videos before finding the one they want to watch to the end - and even then they might finish before the end or change their mind or get interupted

[SparklingRaspberry]

Poor bloke

Why do you need to speak about it with him?? As long as it's not illegal I don't see the problem.

[Adora10]

Men don't need it like water and food, it's a personal choice so I don't buy this shit that poor men have to use it, utter crap, it's like any other tool on the internet and not all men feel the need to use porn, so stop saying ALL men watch it, cos they do not.

If it bothers you OP then what's the problem with him taking that on board and respecting your wishes about porn and all the horrible attributes that go along with that industry, you are allowed to object you know, you don't have to say well every bastard on the earth is watching this, cos again, no they are not.

Just talk to him, perhaps you both need to have a discussion around the whole subject and come to a compromise on his use of it.

[MuffinsPyjamas]

Sparkling: What's wrong about talking about it with him? As long as it's not a confrontation, I don't see a problem. He will probably be a bit embarrassed for a couple of days, but an open and honest calm conversation between equal and loving partners early on is the best way of making sure he doesn't make a habit that builds up resentment in her. I'd much rather be embarrassed early on than find out months down the line that DW knows something I've been doing that is making her uncomfortable or resenting me. Also most people prefer loving sex to watching porn (including those watching porn) , and if porn is being used as the nearest thing they can get to sex at that moment in time, then porn being a turn off for their real partner is a strong reason to stop watching.

[histinyhandsarefrozen]

The OP's partner is watching porn but isn't have sex with her. He won't talk to her about it.

Some replies.

• ALL men watch porn
  

• What's the problem?
  

You've got to wonder what is going on in people's heads when they post in relationships sometimes. (Always on the porn threads too!).

[Joysmum]

Have you discussed your lack of sex life, that's far more worrying than the porn.

[AugustCarrot]

So what?

People watch porn. Including me. In fact I like m/m gay porn. DH probably watches some of his own tastes.

It's infrequent for us both but you know what, as long as it's legal and not every day and the kids can't get hold of it, YABU.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

YANBU, it's not unreasonable to object to porn. It's not inevitable that all people watch it, and just because it's legal doesn't mean you have to agree with it and watch it. Being anti-porn is a completely reasonable point of view.

The important thing in your relationship is that both you and your DP are on the same page about this. It sounds like you're not, and that there is a bigger issue in your relationship around sex anyway. I hope you can talk to him and maybe come to an agreement and an improvement in your relationship.

[Adora10]

Being anti-porn is a completely reasonable point of view.

If only the pro porn folk would accept this and accept that we do not all agree or accept it as part of our relationship; if you want to watch porn go ahead but please stop saying everyone does; it just makes you all look desperate to justify your hobby.

[WanderingTrolley1]

Not all men watch porn!

[histinyhandsarefrozen]

So what?

People watch porn. Including me. In fact I like m/m gay porn. DH probably watches some of his own tastes.

It's infrequent for us both but you know what, as long as it's legal and not every day and the kids can't get hold of it, YABU.



What a brilliant example of someone who either couldn't be arsed to read the thread or is just incapable of comprehension/empathy. Always on the porn threads too. Thank you for demonstrating the point.

[NotTheFordType]

Is it you or him that's stopped initiating sex? What does he say when you initiate? What reason has he given for refusing counselling (because he's basically saying "I don't give a shit that you're unhappy")

I'm usually very pro-porn, I even make my own. If he's wanking to porn instead of having sex with you then that's causing issues in your relationship. Could be any number of reasons - fears and insecurities about his performance (when wanking he doesn't need to appear strong and manly, or to make anyone else happy.) He could have a problem with ED and be trying to use porn to improve things (successfully or not) but be too embarrassed to see the doctor. He might be struggling with same-sex attraction, or with a fetish he feels shame over.

You won't know unless you can nail his foot to the floor and get some answers out of him. Don't take no for an answer - you're in your 30s, far far too young to settle for an unsatisfying sex life. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide that you're going to be celibate.