Getting over an affair and fixing a broken marriage

[Cliche101]

I'm a long time lurker, new account for obvious reasons.

I've been with my husband for 10 years and we have two children. I'm a stay at home mum and he works very very long hours, often works away. Our relationship has never really had a great deal of chemistry but we had things in common, were instantly comfortable with each other, wanted the same things etc in recent years our relationship has got worse and worse to the point we barely communicate other than regarding parenting. I am fairly sure he would like to try and improve things between us but as communication is so bad we've never discussed it. Our sex life is virtually non existent.

I'm not making excuses for myself but I feel I've lost myself a bit since giving up work (it was a joint decision in order to support husbands career progression and I was happy to do it, no pressure from him although it does make his life much easier with me being at home) I've also had a few major family issues and bereavements in recent years which have left me feeling very low.

Anyway, cut to the chase, I've just ended a 3 month affair. The OM is someone who lives and works locally so our paths cross but it shouldn't be too hard to avoid him for the most part. I will definitely see him but we won't be alone. It started when OM (who I was familiar with for a while but nothing more than a few brief chats) contacted me through FB and basically told me that he was attracted to me and had been for over a year. He was very complimentary and I was incredibly flattered. He is also married with a child. Nothing started straight away but we got into the habit of exchanging messages regularly which quickly got more and more flirtatious. The physical chemistry between us is off the scale, incredibly strong, more so than I have ever experienced before. At the point when we started to discuss meeting up, he backed off and said he couldn't do it, wanted to stay friends etc. The following week we kissed. Then again the next week. Then last week I finished it, said we should just be friends etc. Saw him today and we kissed again but later on agreed that we absolutely will not do it again and we've agreed this time, no contact and we will actively try to avoid each other for a while.

I know that I am a terrible person for doing it and I know that I should be focussing my attention on trying to fix my marriage or if it can't be fixed, considering divorce so we can both move on and be happy. The one thing I absolutely know having felt this way recently is that I can't live the rest of my life without that passion.

I don't even know what I'm expecting people to say other than slate me for cheating (which I know I deserve) Maybe that's what I need to hear. I know I need a slap. I just feel really lost and obviously can't talk to anyone about this. I'm confident that the OM isn't some great love or soulmate, it's just a physical thing and I'm ashamed that I couldn't control that desire.

Has anyone else been in this situation and come through it? Is it possible to fix a marriage that seems so broken?

Thanks Hilda. I know I'm an idiot. I honestly don't think OM is one of those creeps actually. Clearly he has his faults (like me) but he's not like that.

Honestly I think if I found out my husband was having an affair I'd be surprised but maybe a little relieved.

Meant to add that I would also be sad. But more because it would mean finally acknowledging that we shouldn't be together and I think that's always going to be sad.

He's a married man who contacted you on Facebook to tell you he was attracted to you!!! You're not the first and won't be the last he's done that with. The only ones who do that are the ones who do it to everybody. He's the very definition of creep.

You also described him up thread as being a nice man. Nice men don't seek out affairs with the local easies over fb while married.

It may be an ego boost for you to think you're special but quite the opposite if you look at it from his perspective. Out of all the women he will contact, only a few will be desperate enough to respond. He knows that and he knows how to play you.

You could always dump your husband and see how this delightful man responds... I bet my money you'd never see him again.

With the greatest of respect Hilda, you only know what I've told you about the situation and how he came to tell me how he was feeling. I cant really give too many specifics as I don't want to be identified. We've known each other for almost 2 years and if I'm honest I had an inkling for a while how he felt. He then gradually increased contact in a variety of ways until it became more obvious then he messaged me about something else and the conversation happened. I wasn't sure at first whether I was being taken for a mug in exactly the same way as you describe but there have been several things that have happened along the way that have reassured me that he is genuine.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we are in love and he'd be there for me if I left my husband. I know he's not my dreamboat, I'm no teenager with stars and hearts in my eyes. We are basically two, bored and ultimately it seems, selfish people who are very attracted to each other. I'm under no illusions about how wrong it is and what a shitty person I am being.

I have had attention before, I'm no wallflower desperate for someone to think I'm pretty but this is the first time I've had my head turned. He has switched me back on after years of nothing. Regardless of anything else I'm actually grateful of that.

Counselling is a good idea as already mentioned, but that's only if you both want to improve and save things.

The problem is that it was never great for you both, so think about what you're trying to get back.

I've sometimes found that writing my thoughts and sending to your partner helps. You get how you feel across with no interruptions.

Thank you sandy. We never had great chemistry but what we did have was great friendship and respect for each other. Both of these things have gone at the moment, I don't know if it's possible to get them back.