Feel so lonely in my relationship

[louisejanep]

Ive been with my partner now for 8 years and we have a DD who is nearly 2. He's always been quite antisocial, weve never gone out with friends. Weve been on a few nice holidays and a few meals, but hes never really made the effort to say im taking you out for a meal or anything like that. Its always me who has had to force him to go out. I was 18 when i met him and every single weekend we would sit in and watch films. The thing is we have a daughter together and now were living together our lives are completely separate. He works 6 days a week till about 6 every night, which is understandable as we have to work. But as soon as he comes home he always says im just nipping the shop, just nipping to my friend over the road. And came home yday and told me hes joined the gym and has to go every night for next week or so. I totally trust where he is, I dont disbelief him, but we are constantly arguing because I tell him I want us to spend time together as a family. All my family are quite close and they all have their little families and go to meals, and bbqs, but hes never ever there with me. It makes me feel really lonely. Im working hard myself at the moment, looking after our little girl, while juggling a masters degree and a job! He says all i do is nag and moan and he needs his own time and to be on his own. But I think our lives are just too separate. I left at Christmas and I have never seen him so distraught , he was like a broken person. Then we recently got back together and I feel really down and lonely all the time. I'm worried that I dont want this life forever, I want a lifelong partner who is also a really good friend and I dont want to feel I am begging for someones time. I'm 27 now and feel like I'm wasting so much time.

Well you seem to have self diagnosed quite successfully already, and split. If he can't buck his ideas up about what a real relationship and family is like after a shock like that, I think there is no hope.

He did change for a good while. I didnt do it to deliberately shock him, I had had enough. I just want to know how much time others spend with their OH's. I know life always gets in the way. Hes an amazing dad, but shocking partner. And I constantly lie in bed dreaming about meeting the man of my dreams! Haha this says an awful lot, the more i type.

I understand how you feel. My stbxp was the same. He was antisocial, never wanted to go out together, never suggested meals out or even holidays. Any holidays we did have, I arranged and booked them. Any nights out were usually just special occasions and if they involved my friends he only went under duress.
We slowly drifted even further apart over the years. he would always go to bed early and I would stay up watching films. We don't even watch the same stuff anymore.
Needless to say, that is why he is stbxp!
Not sure on what advice to give you but your dp sounds like he wants his cake and eat it. He wants all this time to himself but remain in the family. If he's not prepared to make an effort, even though he is distraught when you left, he's never going to change.
You have to accept that and decide whether you can put up with this for the rest of your life.

Thanks for the message. Yes he really does want his cake and eat it. He says how much of a family man he is and how special his little family are, but actions speak bigger than words. I feel like im constantly bringing it up all the time that hes never around, I need help with the little one. Its so lonely. But as our daughter is only 22 months and I have another year and half left of my degree then want to go onto further PHD study I worry I cant support myself.

How did you decide to finally leave?

He sounds emotionally disconnected to you.Does he have close friends?

You are still very young so you have the chance to meet a man who you are better suited to.Can you really imagine 50 years of this life?

#louisejanep I decided to leave (after 16 years together) as his behaviour just became more and more difficult to deal with. We had some other additional family stresses to cope with on top and I think that just brought things to a head. Something snapped in me and I just realised I no longer loved him or deserved to be treated that. I thought for ages I couldn't cope on my own, couldn't afford it etc and there was always an excuse not to leave.
To be honest I pretty much cope with the kids on my own anyways so I doubt there will be much difference when he leaves.

You asked about "normal" in terms of time spent together. I've (male btw) found that my current relationship is very different from my marriage. When I was married (almost 9 years, 2 dc) I found we gradually spent less time together. I did a lot with dc but she was involved less and less. She was studying and changing career and we gradually fell into a pattern of doing our own thing partly to facilitate her course work etc. It probably partly explains the affair she then had and the fact she's exW!

My current (4 yr) relationship is hugely different. We spend way more time together as a couple and as a (blended) family group. We hug and kiss and hold hands way more, and make time to get out of the house together etc. Some of that is down to the different background (no studying!), some because the dc are collectively all older and some because dp and I gel a lot better than exW and I did.

You do not feel lonely in a healthy normal relationship, you feel lonely because you don't have that, he won't give you that.

He only wants what is best for him and that's to be out the house as much as possible.

You've already left over it, you're basically back where you were the last time.

I'd see this as the final nail and move on; he sounds beyond interested or useful.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. Maybe he can take some time off work to spend with you and your dd? Have you sat down and spoken to him about it and opened up completely to the way that you feel? My mum was in the same boat as you as my dad isn't very sociable either

I just feel you are way too young to put up with this. Do you want this to be your life for years to come then wake up one day and realise your daughter has left home and you're on your own with an even more distant DH who you resent.
He's clearly not going to change and has proved that after you came back.
I used to look at other couple who were happy in each other's company, always doing stuff together, going places and being generally socially and realised I wanted that.