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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH had a ons, struggling to get over it

50 replies

Raquel40 · 23/05/2017 20:37

DH of 14 years had a ons whilst working away a couple of months ago.

He confessed a week after it happened, but I believe he only did because he thought he'd caught something of her and he had to go and have a full health check.

He seemed quite remorseful for a few days after telling me and I got flowers (only bloody time he buys me flowers) but this lasted a few days, and we have been in separate rooms since, the thought of having sex with him repulsis me now.

I am trying to work through this, mainly for the sake of our 2 DS who are still so young, but I am amazed at his lack of fucking empathy and if ever I mention that night he just rolls his eyes as if to say how dare you keep mentioning it. He is putting in hardly any effort to make things right, almost as if he's in la la land.

We are just like mates at best, and has never even asked if he can come back in the bedroom.

I'm just so confused. It's only been two months, why is he not bending over backwards to put things right?

OP posts:

Original poster

Raquel40 · 23/05/2017 21:21

Blue, I am a career for my eldest DS but yes I would have to find work, trouble is there's nothing going and also lack of childcare as both families are a 3hr drive away.

OP posts:

Mysteriouscurle · 23/05/2017 21:22

I think in many cases people can get past a ONS. But only if the cheating partner is falling over themselves to put it right. Flowers? Doesn't really take much of an effort does it? I probably would think like other pp he doesn't care. Rolling his eyes at you for mentioning it is not a good sign

TheLegendOfBeans · 23/05/2017 21:23

Maybe you can speak to another couple of solicitors (for free?)

Whilst I'm sure you're right, you can't make him leave be aware that some solicitors are better than others.

Original poster

Raquel40 · 23/05/2017 21:40

TheLegend, I've spoken to 3 solicitors because yes, some not so good. There was one that I wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

Hopefully, if we divorce, he will use her.

OP posts:

Insightfully · 23/05/2017 21:47

You need to leave because your sons needs to learn from you that women shouldn't be treated with such contempt.

Lovemusic33 · 23/05/2017 21:52

If you are a carer for your son you won't have to find work (not if your claiming DLA for him and your can claim carers)?

whereiscaroline · 23/05/2017 21:55

If you're a SAHM and he's on a high income you would be likely to get spousal maintenance, even if only temporarily. Especially as you are a carer to your eldest DS. You need to go and get some legal advice.

HeddaGarbled · 23/05/2017 21:58

You can't make him leave immediately but if you start a divorce, you will need to come to a financial agreement and as part of that, you will eventually have separate homes. If he is a high earner, he'll have to pay more maintenance for the children and give you a greater share of the marital assets (house, pension, savings etc).

Are you carer for your oldest because he has disabilities? If so, this may mean that you will not be expected to get paid work or only work which you can do around his school day and you may also get a larger share of the marital assets to compensate you for this.

Him being a high earner is good news, not bad, because it means that there is more money to fund two homes. You will likely be worse off financially than if you stay with him, but you are unlikely to be left in penury and forced into full time work immediately.

Original poster

Raquel40 · 23/05/2017 22:30

My eldest son has ASD and he gets a DLA and I receive a carers allowance, but I still may be required to work. I am going to back to college in September to re-train though.

I will be entitled to spouse allowance as well as child maintenance obviously.

OP posts:

category12 · 23/05/2017 22:37

I would start divorce proceedings. You can't get over something he thinks he's entitled to do.

Adora10 · 24/05/2017 14:01

I hope you find the strength to ditch this loser, rolls his eyes when you mention how he betrayed you in the worst possible way; nah, sorry he aint bothered about you OP, he's still showing you that.

And as you say, he works away a lot, he probably only told you about this one because she gave him an STI, hope you got yourself checked out.

No trust = no relationship.

Lovemusic33 · 24/05/2017 16:28

What rate of DLA is he receiving?
I have 2 dd's with ASD and when I kicked dh out I wasn't working, I wasn't told to get a job as I was receiving carers allowance. I am working now but because I wanted to rather than needed too (wasn't forced to do so). I am actually worse off for working.

Original poster

Raquel40 · 24/05/2017 19:11

Lovemusic, he gets lower and middle rate DLA.

I'm hoping I'm not forced to find work as there really is nothing going around school hours. If I have to pay for childcare there is no point me working and I would lose my carers allowance.

Surely the courts will take this into consideration?

OP posts:

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 24/05/2017 19:26

NO. The family courts wont give a stuff about you. The pecking order currently is men, children (poor 2nd) and thats it. If you read any announcements they expect all women to go back to work from when a child is approx age 7. That is regardless of circumstances - if there are no suitable jobs near you then stick the child in daycare. It doesnt matter if that is not what you ever wanted for your children or if they cant cope.

Yes with that length of marriage AND relationship you probably will get some spousal maintenance. But the family courts are very anti. So the career break and impact to earnings is YOUR tough luck, despite it being a JOINT decision.

So do join the Womens Aid campaigns on Family Courts but they are very narrow campaigns.

Original poster

Raquel40 · 24/05/2017 19:32

You've cheered me up no end, thanks.

No wonder so many women stay with their cheating H

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 24/05/2017 19:39

He's not remorseful and he's done it before, with a 99% certainty.

His actions say it all.

While you can't kick him out, you can implement the 180. It helps to detach yourself emotionally and prepares you for a life without him.

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-unfaithful-spouse.html?m=1

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 24/05/2017 20:07

its not my job to cheer you up. Until things change by us campaigning to change attitudes we will all be shafted.

AnyFucker · 24/05/2017 20:59

Your cause is a good one, child

But on this thread right at this minute looks a bit insensitive

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 24/05/2017 21:14

I'd put money on this being a regular thing, if it was out of character he would be bending over backwards to make it right.
Definitely ditch the cheating twat, he doesn't give two shits about your family.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 24/05/2017 22:28

Anyf - coming from you that's quite a compliment! But no I no longer do hugs, huns, fluffy, flowers etc. We (as women) need to be very prepared for the hard reality. Many men cheat with total impunity knowing that no-one gives a damn and there are no consequences.

Sorry OP - I am not being nasty to you. But it is a shock so the sooner you can be practically dealing with the fallout the better. You may need this

AnyFucker · 24/05/2017 22:45

I don't do fluffy either.

JohnCheese · 24/05/2017 23:10

Seems to me he's treating you as an employee with a minor grudge that he's not 'giving in' on.
He bought you flowers??
LTB.

Get a decent solicitor. Get your ducks in a row. Say nothing to him about your plans. He's a shit.

Sorry this is happening to you.

RedastheRose · 24/05/2017 23:11

Very sorry OP he doesn't care. Your marriage is over anyway as a proper marriage and pp are right that his lack of remorse probably means that he has done this more than once.

You are right that you can't throw him out. You might be able to shame him out however! Tell him you are filing for divorce, the choice is his, you can either file for irreconcilable differences and he moves out or adultery if he stays in the house whilst it's all sorted. Make it plain to him that if he stays this means that you will not be cooking or cleaning up after him or washing clothes etc and if he leaves stuff around it will be dumped in his bedroom and left. If you file for adultery you will be telling his family and everyone you know (mutual friends) what he's done his reputation will be trashed (entitled pricks usually want to look like a nice guy to everyone else who doesn't really know them).

In any event financial security is not worth wasting your life with an awful excuse for a man who doesn't care for you and treats you with contempt.

Financial settlements are dependent upon circumstances, you are a sahm and receive state help as a carer for your son. You also say that you husband is a high earner so that is a very good thing as he has sufficient funds to cover maintenance to support you. You have seen a solicitor but it sounds like your not very positive about your position. Perhaps you should ask around to find the divorce lawyer that everyone fears having against them.

CatsDogsandDC · 25/05/2017 07:45

I don't agree with the PP about the likely position on divorce TBH. It is all about the quality of the solicitor you use. Too many solicitors let down women in your position by telling them the solution is to go to work. That is not always the case.

If he is a high earner you can expect a home for you and the children, child maintenance and spousal maintenance. Being a carer for a disabled child and the damage to your earning prospects as a result is an excellent reason to get spousal maintenance.

Believe me, my twatty ex would not have paid a penny if he could have got away with it. Only thing I would say based on bitter experience is do your sums and go for a higher share of the capital assets in lieu of some of the spousal maintenance. Once you have capital it's yours for good, if you depend on maintenance he will mess you around and keep dragging you back to court for a reduction etc BUT keep some spousal maintenance even if it is a lower sum because it means you can go back to court and ask for more if you need it.

HerOtherHalf · 25/05/2017 09:31

If he's a high earner he probably has a very juicy death in service benefits package. Not that I'm trying to give you ideas or anything....

J/K obv.

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