Ive ended things, please help me.

[0emerald0]

I've just ended my 12 year relationship down to trust issues, but I'm not sure I've done the right thing :( it hurts so much because I really love him.
I've got an anxiety disorder which means I've struggled to have a "normal" life with jobs, friends etc, so this relationship was a lot to me.

We were really young when we got togther (30 now) and in the beginning I think he cheated on me, and had conversations with other women (maybe first 5 years of the relationship), I found this out a few years after it happened, I was young and naive so I forgave.

Then we moved in together 7 years ago, and I found sexual convos between him and a woman he met in a club. I told him if he ever did anything like that again I'd end things.
6 years later I found part of a convo to another woman he knows from a club. He tried calling her on facebook then sent the msg "how are you doing my sexy babe." He'd deleted the other messages between them so I don't know how far things went. I don't know if I hadn't found out if things would have carried on any further. One of the first things he said to me when I found out was "what have you seen" which seems odd to me.

He's always been very upset and apologetic when I've found things out, and seemed to be sorry. The latest thing I forgave again, but now 8 months later it's all come to the surface for me. I keep feeling paranoid and like I can't trust him. So I ended it, and it came really out of the blue to him and I think he's struggling to understand as to why now.

There are other things in the relationship that have worried me too. He has a bit of a short fuse, it's never been directed at me but at other people.
I've seen him punch walls, the keyboard of his computer etc when he gets stressed. I've seen him punch himself in the head when he was ill and frustrated that he couldn't go to work.
Simple things like going the supermarket stress him out, (a lot of huffing and puffing when people get in his way).
I've seen him call a charity collector a f**g c**t when they woudn't take no for an answer. Then he has road rage too.

This really puts me on edge obviously, due to having my anxiety disorder, sometimes I feel tense when I'm out with him as I don't know if he'll snap at someone, or speed up in the car when he gets annoyed. I hate confrontation and just want a peaceful life.

Despite all this we have a really close bond and spend a lot of time together. He's very loving towards me, which makes this all so difficult. I haven't made another real connection with another human being for 15 years, I don't know if I'll cope without him.
I've had a lot of counselling and therapy for my problems, and I just haven't ever been able to make many improvements :(

I've got my Mum - who I'll be moving in with, but sometimes I can tell she's a bit uncomfortable talking about emotions so I don't know who else to talk to about all this. I mean I have talked it over with her, but I feel like I'm repeating myself now. She doesn't want to influence my decision.

I'm just looking for some advice, a handhold, anything :( , do people think I'm doing the right thing?

You have made the right decision emerald - even though it is hard for you at the moment.

There is no relationship without trust - and he has proved that he isn't worthy of your trust.

Have some time to focus on yourself. For 12 of the 15 years that you haven't made a connection with someone else you weren't noticing anyone else.

Your time will come.

He's repeatedly shown he's not trustworthy. That in itself cannot be helping your anxiety and mental health.

You are better off alone than with someone like this. Take all the time you need and try to make some friends.

You have made the right decision 100%, most of him is all bad OP, he does not care enough to consider your feelings and is very much untrustworthy, the good in him is not enough to make you regret it.

Thanks for replying.
I mean I have focused on the negatives, with his short fuse I always stayed as it was only something that only happened every now and again :(

He's not a horrible person, he's tried to support me with my MH issues, and we have always got on really well and had a lot of happy times together. I know it doesn't cancel out the bad though :(

I keep feeling like I've made the right decision, then getting emotional and doubting myself. Today he text to arrange me going to collect my stuff, and is saying he misses me so much and can't believe we'll never see each other again. We spend all of our time together.

I'ts such a horrible feeling, I can't believe he did it again and put me in this position.

I actually can't believe you've remained friends with him after how badly he has treated you; stay friends then if you must but why would you regret ending this with a liar and a cheat who goes behind your back, it's not just negative, it's a fact.

I know it must seem odd from an outside perspective. I literally have hardly anyone in my life down to my mental health, I have my Mum and 1 close friend and that's it. It's not for lack of trying either, I just don't have a lot of confidence so struggle to talk to people.

I struggle in every aspect of life and in the past have felt suicidal. I'm not a weak person but I think I've been a bit naive to believe that he would change, to my knowledge there was a 6 year gap where nothing happened, but then obviously it happened again, I think recently I've come to my senses a bit.
But you are right Adora, I need to work on my self esteem :(

You have done the right thing.
This guy cheated in you, and destroyed the trust you had in him (all his own doing, nit yours!).
Leaving is probably th best you have done as I suspect that living with him in those conditions would have made your anxiety much much worse.

as I'm sure that the future must be looking quite bleak for you just right now.

Thanks so much BluePeppers, yes the future is looking very scary. I'm going to have to start my life from scratch, I'm terrified really.

You're not losing much OP, a man that you can't trust is not a relationship; you can now spend time on you and building up your confidence and meeting new people, it is scary but it's exciting too, there's always room to turn a negative into a positive.