Can PMS make you crazy or is he gaslighting me?

[lupa123]

My DP has a really fucking annoying habit of 'accusing' me of being on my period whenever we have an argument. Sometimes he gets it right, sometimes he doesn't, but I suppose if you say it often enough you're bound to hit the nail on the head occasionally...

It happened again yesterday and I've been stewing about it all day. This evening I told him that it sounds as if he's saying that being on my period makes me irrational and hysterical and not in control of what I'm saying. He agreed and seemed to think that was fine.

Apparently, according to his experience of women (two older sisters, and a female-dominated workplace) it's the norm for women to go nuts during their period and other women just accept it and own up to it and so should I.

Now, I know that PMS is a thing, and I confess, my period arrived yesterday. However, I've never felt any different during my period than I do any other time of the month. I don't have any mood swings that I'm aware of, I'm not irritable (any more than usual, anyway), I don't feel emotional or cry for no reason. As far as I'm concerned, I'm my normal self but with blood.

We've had another massive argument tonight (about this and about the argument yesterday) and I've been sitting here in bed crying, wondering whether I'm feeling like this because of my hormones, or if I've got a good fucking reason to be upset and he's just messing with my head. I genuinely don't know if I can trust my judgement or if he can see something I can't.

PMS is real. It can make women feel irritable, frustrated, emotional, and loads of other complicated feelings that come with hormonal changes.

The thing is, if I was being irritable, frustrated, emotional etc. my DH would take extra time to listen to me, and do nice things to make me feel better, just as I would if DH was having a bad day at work or had slept poorly or was ill. When your partner is vulnerable, that is when you take care of them, not when you start fights and blame their reaction on them being vulnerable.

Ltb

He's controlling and tells you that you're unreasonable because you're on your period? I thought all those "funny" jokes about women being crazy at their time of the month died out. Ugh.

The TED talk link posted earlier on this thread was very interesting. I've wondered before if PMS is a myth really and I use the excuse of venting once a month..."Sweeping emotions under the rug of PMS keeps women from understanding the source of their negative emotions, but it also takes away the opportunity to take any action to change them."

OP does your DH want to supress your there for a reason negative emotions about him?

I'm slightly conflicted about this one, it is easy to make assumptions and attribute other moods to hormones but none the less DW's PMS is an issue within our family sometimes.

Generally she's just much more quick tempered and moody but sometimes it can lead to irrational and spiteful behaviour and disproportionate punishments for the DCs (teenagers) for relatively minor transgressions. DS and I tend to keep our head down, but DD and her clash regularly and it just gets worse when hormones are involved.

I know there is no reasoning with her at that time but help her find ways of back pedalling on punishments without losing face too badly, once she's her normal self.

Two notable examples from the last year:

• One time she told DD to tidy her bedroom DD said she's watching a film on her laptop and she would do it after, DW said no do it now and finish watching the film later. 15 minutes later she checked and DD hadn't started so she was told that she's having no internet for a week (which would mean not finishing watching the film as it was online), again she checked in 15 minutes and still she's not started so that went up to a month, checked in another 15 and still tidying hadn't started she properly lost her cool, they had a row and it became no internet for a year!! I wasn't home when that happened but matching stories from both, had I been home I would have taken over dealing with DD, as I do quite often on the basis that DW knows that DD is very good at deliberately winding her up. As it was we found chores (including tidying the bedroom) to earn back internet privileges but I think it took about a fortnight, other than for school work that is. DW doesn't know how to block devices from the router BTW so hadn't commenced the punishment, that was my job.

• Another time I was going out on an evening to something I regularly do we both have things we do regularly in evenings so its normal. This time it was her turn to cook, she was playing on her phone and clearly moody, she'd not starting cooking by the usual time so I offered to cook and was told no she'd get to it in a minute. Ten minutes later I know that if she started cooking then I'd have to eat quickly or be late, so again offered to cook. Was told firmly no she'd just pop to the loo and then do it, 15 minutes later she'd not returned from the toilet so went out and bought food. When I got home she was in bed, nothing was ever said by either of us.

HarmlessChap; the point is that op doesn't feel or behave any differently. Those of us who do experience extreme mood fluctuations are fully aware of it. So it's irrelevant if some of us go crazy for a bit, she doesn't and he is trying to control and undermine her by claiming her every interaction and reaction is hormonal. Because she's a woman. That's offensive and emotional abuse.

Those of us who do experience extreme mood fluctuations are fully aware of it.

That kind of makes it worse TBH as DW denies her behaviour is different, she blames us and she certainly never feels compelled to apologise.

Even when she admits that her punishments were disproportionate it will be the kids fault for winding her up.

Please look into PMDD. This is an actual condition colloquially known as "extreme PMS" people who suffer it (like me!) have suicidal thoughts and basically go crazy for like two weeks. If you think you have it there are different ways to treat it :)

Harmlesschap you might not change your opinion but you really should watch the TED talk. A different view might be interesting.

I apparently used my ex as an "emotional punchbag" before my period. These occasions were simply me expressing frustration or daring to speak up when I normally didn't. Despite accepting this truth for a long long time when I tracked incidents there wasn't even a strong correlation to time of the month.

Furthermore I thought long and hard about how I said anything he didn't like, read up on how to improve my communication, phrased it as nicely as I could, but he'd still react the same. I wonder how many times I had accepted his truth that I was horrible and irrational.

Since separating I seem not have a pms problem - not at all.

(These comments aren't addressed at you Harmlesschap, responding to the OP)

I would strongly recommend you to order something (or, frankly, everything) from Veronica Dearly's fabulous Don't Be a Dick collection and wave it in his general direction: www.veronicadearly.com/dont-be-a-dick/

It's a shame the full campaign box has gone out of stock as it sounds like he might need the message to be forthrightly delivered

for you until he gets his shit together (or you kick his shit out) x

I don't like the TED talk at all. I do have pmt, possibly bordering on PMDD and I found the talk dismissive of what is a very serious life impacting problem for me. And it's not repression of emotions for me, I'm very emotionally aware and expressive.

PMT is very real but that's not the issue.

The issue is whether your reaction is appropriate and because he's problematic, and that it's just that you're less tolerant bullshit.

My dh mentioned PMT to me once so I asked if he thought I was actually wrong or not. From there I was able to express myself clearly and logically. Despite still being right, my responses were stronger at certain times of the month so that's where I needed to take care.

I think it did acknowledge a problem for some women - but a small percentage rather than most women.

Sorry you found it dismissive blue. I guess it just resonated strongly with my experience.

I get PMT, I'm grumpy and irritable, but, I don't react to nothing, I just have a lower tolerance to things that would piss me off no matter when they happened.

Before my period I don't put up with as much shit as normal. Things that I can brush off at other times, I can't when I'm due on. But I don't irrationally lash out over nothing , I get angry or upset over real things.

Thanks again for all your replies. Reading them has made me realise that a massive clue for me should have been that IF he genuinely believes I become irrational during my period, and SINCE I've explained time and time again that I feel exactly the same as normal, he should take this into account in his reaction to me and perhaps be a bit more sensitive about it. What he actually does is bang on and on about it, using it as an excuse to dismiss everything I say, whilst rubbing my nose in it.

He's also been guilty in the past of accusing me one day of being cold and having no emotions and the next of being hysterical and out of control. I have a temper, but I'd say I'm pretty logical and well-balanced on the whole. I think he's a complete bullshitter, and I'm so furious that he'd do this. It's basically a get out of jail free card for him - call me insane and suddenly everything is my fault.

Head games. My twat of an ex used to do the same - it's a great way to get you to shut up and keep you in your place and it's a vile and nasty way to belittle and invalidate a woman's opinion.

I WAS going crazy and I WAS losing my mind but the issue wasn't hormones, it was homo sapien.

I defo do get more annoyed and irrational just before my period. In fact I joke to hubby that he gets slightly more annoying once a month. There is a little bit of truth in that though. I just don't have the tolerance for the more annoying things around the house. Throughout the month most things just go over my head but I have to rant and shout at that time of the month.

It's alright @Yoshimistill and I guess I am in the minority

I had nearly 30 years of menstruating with no PMS. To the point of not really understanding it.
Post twins, I have about one or two days a month when I want to kill my DH.
It took a while to recognise, and actually my DH helped me see it. He remembers when it's due and backs off, gives me space and gently reminds me that's what's going on if I get too distressed.
But it is as others say, he's annoying all month, I'm just less able to brush it off for those days.
And he loves me, so he is extra tender on those days, not mean.
And FFS, it doesn't make you irrational! If anything, more rational, just less emotionally armoured.