Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My husband (stepdad)and daughter do not get on

48 replies

Princessofessex · 22/05/2017 21:35

My first time in here,please be gentle!
So, been with my dh for 10 years (married for 3) I have dd (14)
We constantly row over her disapline he thinks I'm too soft on her but I think he's to harsh.
they never do anything together, he
Never really has good things to say to her, only bad things as in telling her off etc.
I'm always in the middle & treading on eggshells!
Tonight was prime example..at the dinner table, Dd was explaining something that happens at school today and was using the word "like" a million times! Dh shouted at her to stop saying "like" she then retaliated by shouting back at him, he then storms off into the lounge slamming the door and then goes on to give us both the silent treatment! (Big fucking baby)
Sorry for rant, I'm at the end of my tether, as it's like this almost every day

OP posts:

Moanyoldcow · 22/05/2017 23:06

Thanks pippa - for you too.

Shit, isn't it?

Hermonie2016 · 22/05/2017 23:17

He is bullying her.I suspect that he is completely intolerant and when she leaves home he's likely to direction his irritation towards you.

Teens can be hard work..but he needs to learn to bite his tongue and make an effort.There will be things they can have in common, if he chooses to act in a caring role.

Completely agree with comments around you being in the middle.She has limited power in the family so there is an inbalance.

PippaFawcett · 22/05/2017 23:20

Moany, yes. I have had periods of NC with my 'D'M as a result. And even posting on this thread can take me back to how I used to feel. I just wish my mum had taken my side, even once would have made me feel less alone.

Voice0fReason · 22/05/2017 23:43

He could have corrected her in a much more constructive way and storming off was just childish.
She didn't need correcting! She was just talking. The fact that he didn't approve is entirely his problem. He created an argument out of nothing.

Your DD needs stability and support. She needs to feel safe. Your DH is undermining that. He will destroy your relationship with her if you don't put an absolute stop to this immediately.

mrssapphirebright · 23/05/2017 09:33

Teenagers are hard work and annoying at times, I know, i have two of them - but it is not your dh's job to discipline her, thats your job. Your dh's role is to support you with parenting.

I would do my nut if my dh ever spoke to my dc like that.

I grew up with a nasty, condecending step dad - please don't allow this to continue OP.

GummyGoddess · 23/05/2017 09:49

Get rid, my siblings and I have still not forgiven our mother for marrying her bastard ex even though she is no longer with him.

We love her but her job was to protect us and she unfortunately failed.

picklemepopcorn · 23/05/2017 09:57

Ten years, and he hasn't built a better relationship with her? I'm amazed she's still talking to you, TBH. Sorry.

MisguidedAngel · 23/05/2017 10:14

Obviously his reaction in the example you give is unacceptable, and I'm sure there are plenty others along the same lines that you could have quoted too. I don't want to downplay it.

Can I just gently suggest something? Could it be that you are a little bit too soft with her? He may be over-compensating for that, then you over-compensate in the opposite direction so your parenting styles become more and more extreme, so he is always the bad cop. I have been in a similar situation myself (not exactly the same), this was the advice that I and the other person were given. It was easier for us to discuss it and change our behaviour because it wasn't as emotionally charged as it is for you two.

He may not be willing to discuss this or make any change of course, but it might be worth trying.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 23/05/2017 10:17

Ah so you effectively have 2 teens then. .
Likely he is pissed off you are doing a better job with dd than he did with his
Resentment is building op. .

Original poster

Princessofessex · 24/05/2017 15:47

He's still not talking to me! 😬
MisguidedAngel, he's always saying I'm too soft, but I think he's too OTT!
Example: we have had a few phone issues with snapchat - inappropriate photos etc, so we take her phone away (I say for a few weeks) he said indefinitely! & buys her a cheap non smart phone (which she never really uses tbf, but I insist if she is going into town etc)
But on top of that he wants to ground her for 2 weeks as well is that fair?

OP posts:

ocelot7 · 24/05/2017 16:22

OP got together with her DH when DD was 4 so I wonder when the relationship worsened?

Its too easy to say dump him because he's the SD but I have lovely friends who are having terrible times with their troubled teen - which of them should leave?

It seems you need to really really talk about parenting ground rules with yr DH and then including yr DD. I'm a bit concerned that yr DD at 14 is your world - she will be leading much more independent life quite soon - so where will that leave you if you centre yr life on her?

ChrisLowesSunglasses · 24/05/2017 16:52

A smart phone is a privilege not a right and tbh I think I agree with taking it away indefinitely (well, until she can understand the severity of inappropriate photos, which I doubt will happen in just a few weeks). It's not like she has no phone at all to text/communicate.

It can be extremely difficult being a step parent to a teenager and little things such as the overuse of "like" can get magnified out of all proportion when you're already feeling frustrated with that child's behaviour. I'm not saying it's right that your DH acts like this, just that it's bloody hard when you don't agree on discipline. Did he really shout at her for it or is that your perception? Either way you can't carry on like this, you shouldn't be treading on eggshells and it's absolutely not fair on your daughter.

Can you try couples counselling to get an outside opinion of whether he really is too strict/you are too soft? Maybe either you or he are overcompensating to balance out the other? If after counselling it transpires you're never going to agree with each other then I think you should put your daughter first and get her out of this environment or you risk losing her in the future because she'll resent you if things dont change. It's not so much the level of discipline that will be causing the damage (unless nasty or abusive obviously) but the atmosphere and conflict caused in the household by you not being on the same page. Ultinmately as her parent you should get the final say.

Hermonie2016 · 24/05/2017 17:52

I think teens make mistakes and its important to not be too strict as they will just go around you.Also they need to be trusted again so they learn.No point banning a phone and they get to Uni without coping.

To be fair some dad's can be super strict, my Bil is to his teen girls so not always a step parent issue.

I think you need to discipline and then take the consequences (I.e she turns into a terror!) but if you are confident of parenting thatt shouldn't happen.
Tell him you need to agree to disagree and whilst you understand he's has valid input if he leaves it to you then he will also be less stressed.
My stbxh had a dd and he was the opposite, completely indulgent.I was the more strict parent, however I was close to her and actually had more of a real relationship rather than the superficial nice relationship he had.

kittybiscuits · 24/05/2017 17:57

Your DD is more mature than your H. He sounds really horrible. You need to put your daughter first, before it's too late.

juneau · 24/05/2017 18:02

You are stuck in the middle of this and your DH is behaving like a spoilt baby. If your relationship is to weather your DD's teenage years then the two of you need to sit down and talk about how you're going to present a fair and united front. It's no good him being Mr Overly Strict, while you go completely the other way. Punishments need to be reasonable and on a par with the seriousness of the offence. Going overboard will only make your DD rebel and hide things from you. Don't go down that route.

AvoidingCallenetics · 24/05/2017 18:06

I think it is your job to parent your child, not your husband's. So stop allowing him to criticise her for doing nothing more that talk about her day and be a proper mother who proiritises her child over a man!
Wtf were you thinking when you married a man who has nothing good to say about your child anyway?

pointythings · 24/05/2017 18:32

So he's giving you the silent treatment now as well? He's quite the catch, isn't he?

expatinscotland · 24/05/2017 18:40

Bin him off. It's only a matter of time before she realises she's furious with you for putting up with someone like this and forcing her to put up with his bullying.

BottleBeach · 24/05/2017 21:13

I had a horrible step-mum. She only got together with my dad when I was 13, I only stayed with them every other weekend, and she never shouted at me like you've described. But her constant snidey comments and eye rolling and huffing was enough to make me feel utterly miserable and unwanted as a teenager. I'm pretty sure some of my chronic lack of self-confidence can be traced to that time. It massively affected my relationship with my dad. Only now that I am nearly 40, and she has passed away, are we beginning to build some bridges.

By contrast, I was an absolute teenage cowbag to my step-dad. He took it all in his stride, never took it personally, and now he and my mum are the people I am closest to in my family.

Jonsnowsghost · 24/05/2017 21:19

I didn't get on with my step dad, unlike my mum I remembered all the times he was horrible to me and now I rarely speak to him and they both wonder why I don't.
I resent that she stayed with him after the way he treated me (and her) sometimes, he's one of those that brings all his problems home and takes it out on you but is nice as pie with his friends. Don't do that to your daughter, I constantly felt I was walking on eggshells and I hated being at home.

BottleBeach · 24/05/2017 21:19

BTW- I never let on to my dad how I was feeling at the time. I knew he loved her, and they were happy together. Looking back, I probably didn't want to put him in the position where he might choose me over her. So I just silently put up with feeling despised, and pretended everything was fine.

BottleBeach · 24/05/2017 21:23

I've been single for 6 years now. Turns out being really good at silently putting up with feeling unhappy and unloved is really bad for forming healthy adult relationships

BottleBeach · 24/05/2017 21:28

Correction:
I didn't want to put him in a position where he might choose her over me.

Flip

1 2