living the life you want in late 40s

[75yasmin]

Sorry in advance if this gets too long. Bit of background about me. Arranged marriage at 18. I have 3 children (22,20 and 14).
My marriage isn't a marriage anymore, separate rooms and no sex in over 10 years. We've never really got on, think if we had choice we wouldn't have got married each other.
I know I'll be leaving once youngest is 17ish. I feel that with eldest 2 they had stability during GCSES and want the youngest to have that.
There is so much I want to do like travel, meet new people etc. Apart from family I haven't got any close friends more acquaintances.
I am now 43 and will be about 46ish when I leave.
I want to know if anyone has started again in their late 40s and how was it? Did you make friends, are you happier. I just sometimes feel that it will be to late.

I am 49. Only in the last year or so have I started to like myself and feel ok about being me. You have time, really you do, everything to play for. Feel excited about your future, not resigned.

Wishing you all the good things.

There are lots of stories on MN of people starting again at all ages. I suppose it will mainly come from you and be what you make of it to a degree.

I understand you don't feel you can leave just yet. Are you saving money and looking at where you might like to live?

Also will you have family support? It might be a good idea to try to make some friends over the next few years. Perhaps develop the links with your acquaintances.

Hi,
Not at all in your situation regarding marriage, but completely understand the need and desire to reinvent your life and make it closer to what you want. I also really admire your decision to make sure your youngest has a stable family life during GCSEs.
But that doesn't mean you can't start moving in the direction you want. You could use these build up years to prepare yourself. Give yourself targets - adding regular savings to an account set aside for travelling, developing your fitness levels for expeditions or treks you want to take. But also, do some of it right now. I've started doing that. I don't put stuff off any more. And I don't decide things are 'too expensive' if I've always wanted to do them. I just prioritise spending on them instead of less worthwhile stuff.
If you make a bucket list (which is great fun to do) make sure some of the stuff on it is stuff you can do next week, next month or even tomorrow. You're allowed to be happy right now, immediately, before you make huge permanent changes in your life.

Ish. Turned 40 this year. Separated, DS is 5, DD is 7. I care for them several nights a week, shared arrangement.

I've redeveloped my interests, and I'll be honest, I come back to this house for the kids beds, and sleep. Seriously tempted to get a semi camper, and become semi nomadic on "non child" nights, and just sleep where I stop, enjoying the scenery and local pubs etc... Get out a bit.

Might be mad, though. Heh.

Hey I started again at 40! Never been happier in every aspect of my life. Why wait? You only live once x

Can I suggest that you give your husband at least a little warning. Don't just spring this on him in 3 years time - he needs time to adjust and make plans too. He's plainly not happy either, but may be feeling pressure to hang on for the sake of the dc and because of the cultural expectations. Knowing that there's an end in sight may actually improve his outlook.

ish again here
no doubt i did the right thing and happier in every way but..........i did think i would be in another relationship by now.9 years on and it hasnt even got close.
i have several other friends of similar age and they are all in the same boat.
might be worth considering....

Making friends will happen if you are out and about doing things you like doing. I've been divorced since I was 35 (mid 50s now), the first 10 years were fully occupied working and getting my children to the age yours are now, but in the last 10 years I've made at least 5 really good new friends, and renewed a few old (school!) friendships.

Relationships are more tricky as pp said - the pool is pretty small, with men our own age being generally attracted to women 10 years younger, and men 10 years older being generally not very attractive to us... but a network of good friends is very sustaining, and who knows what the future holds.

Thank you all for your messages. I am feeling very positive. As millifiori said I'll use these build up years to prepare.

I love your plan daddyorscience, as JK1773 said you only live once. Go for it.
My husband is definitely not feeling pressure to hang on for the sake of dc. He has never done anything for the children, puts his needs first. I have told him what I'm planning but he doesn't care, maybe he thinks I won't do it as in our culture/community women rarely leave their husbands. But I am going to and will let him know nearer the time again.
In 43 years I've never lived on my own and am quite looking forward to it when it happens.
I'm not bothered about having a relationship when I leave. I want to do what I want. Even the best relationships in the world require some compromise and I've compromised enough. When I leave I want to be selfish, put my needs first. After a while I might want a relationship, I'll deal with that when it happens.

Broke up from a 20+-year relationship at age 45 and it has been very interesting. I dropped a couple of friends and put more effort into looking for new activities. My children are now 17 and 19, so the separation has coincided with them becoming more independent, giving me more time to do my own thing. But I realise now that I could have done more for myself before. Maybe you culd also start doing some things for yourself, before you even leave?

My breakup was difficult, so part of the excitement might have been that I was dealing with big feelings (and depression) - but it was really like I had forgotten who I was, and rediscovered myself. I had forgotten what it was like to be starting out on new projects, meeting new people as myself, not part of a couple. I did some therapy and worked through some problems I've always had with low self-esteem and anxiety. Not something that goes away overnight but it has given me something to work with.

I've tried out rambling, dancing, keep fit, and meeting up with some social groups to do stuff like board games or cooking. The one new activity that has stuck strongest has unexpectedly been improv theatre, which turns out to be a good way to practice a more positive, take-it-as-it-comes outlook to life :)

I'd only ever been with my husband, really, so was quite keen to do a bit of dating. Not looking for anything long-term as I'm still quite keen to gain more experience :D and don't have time what with the activities - but I have now had a couple of other partners and have gained a bit of confidence on that front having got some nasty comments from my ex. Simply seeing that everyone wants different things in bed or from a partner, and my ex's way really wasn't the only way, has made me feel better.

I've found that there are a lot of people in their late 40s and early 50s, jangling about after their long-term relationship has broken up, looking for new things to do and new friends to do it with.

Hey, I re-started so many time I can't remember them all, even moved to the states once. Through my 20's,30's and 50's
If you are genuinely friendly, kind and loving with an extrovert mind set you will get along fine.

I divorced at 48 when my dc were 16 and 18. I haven't got a new partner (am now 61) but yes, I did feel as though a weight had been lifted - and your H sounds more detached than mine - well perhaps not in the last few years.

Have you looked into financial matters or taken any legal advice yet? A few years before we divorced XH had an affair and I really wanted to separate then (but was persuaded not to) and I saw a solicitor for about half an hour. It made me feel better knowing what I could and couldn't expect.

Good luck!

I think you'll be just fine when you get there. I think 40's are a great age for doing whatever you want and finding happiness again.

I think focus on looking after yourself really well (much easier without having a difficult man to look after). I'm ageing slower (in my 40's with no wrinkles yet) than my stressfully married / cohabiting peers as I have less to do, less stress, I get more sleep, eat lots of anti-ageing foods and get lots of exercise.

Don't worry about the lack of man thing as I know quite a few single men in their 40's who are finding it difficult to meet a suitable woman so it's not as easy for men in their 40's as everyone thinks. I won't go out with any of them as they're all having a mid life crisis and behaving like idiots.
I also did a subtle 'survey' on Tinder a while back with men in their 40's and they all said it's been really difficult to meet someone (I don't think many men in their 40's realise they need to take a look at themselves and how they behave).
These men also said that going out with women a lot younger is not always a great idea either, the woman either has younger children still, comes from a different era so less in common, they also then start to have marital issues etc 15 years on (some are on their 3rd marriages).
My exh remarried someone 13 years younger, they then had 3 dc (so he's now late 48 with 3 small dc) and he repeatedly tells me his life is not the barrel of laughs I think it is and he's exhausted. He looks about 100 years old now. I though have a dc mid teens with a life of freedom ahead of me and so will you.

I would have thought that any time of life when you have financial stability and your kids are independent would be an ace time to start living for yourself. There's no longer any pressure to FIND A MATE!!! GET MARRIED!!!! BUY A HOUSE!! DO ALL THESE ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL THINGS BEFORE YOU REACH >!!!!!

Fuck all that. You have nothing to prove and everything to gain. I think you're going to have an absolutely incredible time.

I was 45, ended a 22 year marriage.

I'm now 48, I have the life I always wanted, the relationship I always wanted with the most wonderful man.

I am now my true self instead of someone else's version of me. I was a SAHM and was never allowed to have a job. I was another member of staff for my husband's business ( minus any wages ).

I now have a job, I'm very well thought of by my bosses. I am financially independent and do not rely on anyone but myself.

My life is so much better now.

I agree why not start doing some positive things now ?

Do you have a job and have you investigated finances for your future ?

Leaving child, why not wait until youngest is 18 ?

There is a big difference between thinking about doing something and actually doing it, you will need to be brave and you will really need to want to make all the changes

Is there a better life ? Yes, but you have to plan and be lucky

I agree about starting to do things for myself now. I do feel like I've lost myself and become someone else just to fit in. The area I live in is full of narrow minded people. I have checked out a few areas I would like to move to and have fallen in love with one area. I've been a few times and it's the type of area I can see myself living in. Complete opposite to where I am now. It's only about an hours drive from where I am at the moment so if my dc stayed here it's not to far.
MadM0nday17 I have thought about staying until youngest is 18. After leaving school I want youngest to be settled in whatever they chose to do before I leave. As much as I want to live my life I have to make sure it doesn't affect dc negatively. Eldest 2 know I plan to leave and are supportive.
I only started working a few years ago and was a SAHM before that. Like you MaidenMotherCrone I wasn't "allowed" to work before. But it would have been difficult to find a job that would have fitted around my dc. My family live over 100 miles away from me and there was no one to help with dc. I do feel like I'm getting my independence back which is a good feeling.

PoorYorick I agree with you about having nothing to prove and everything to gain.

Starting new hobbies an option while you sort out finances or wait til kids old enough to understand or have left home perhaps.

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