My little sister and her husband

[Dottie39]

My little sister is seven years younger than me. Until a few years ago we were very close.

Backstory is that she was 32 when she met her now DH. Until then she had never had a boyfriend, was a virgin, painfully shy, very intelligent, I love her to bits. We saw each other every weekend, I would cook and she would come over and play with kids, chat with me and catch up. She was desperately sad about being alone and tried online dating and all sorts. She always said she wanted what I had, really wanted kids and a home and to be settled, my heart broke for her that I couldn't help.

Eventually met DH and everything happened very quickly. They met at work, he moved in with her within a couple of months, proposed and they married on their year anniversary of meeting.

I didn't get to know him really in this time as they always wanted couple alone time, which I totally got and was just pleased she seemed so happy.

But here we are, three years on. I still barely know him, I have seen my sister seven times in three years since they wed... I know through my mum a few bits she let slip....
He said he wanted a family until after they were married when he said no way.
He hates children in fact, so much so he doesn't like seeing me (4 kids)!
He is rude about our family including our parents.
Since they married my sister has stopped contact with all her friends (mutual friends confirm this)
He refuses to work, does the odd voluntary stuff.
Refuses to help with housework, my sister works full time, cooks, cleans, pays for everything...

So I am concerned for her. I no longer feel close enough to approach her, she always declines invites and never calls or replies. She was so desperate to be loved I am worried she will put up with anything just to be with someone.

How should I approach this? How can I get my sister back? Or am I interfering?

Every now and then let her know you will still be there for her if she wants to live again.

I'd tell her that she is always welcome at your house if she fancies a break. Come for a week! a month! Hell come forever if you need to.

She'll know what you're really saying but it'll be unsaid.

I would send her texts regularly which aren't too heavy but let her know you're thinking of her. Tell her you love her and you're always there if she needs you.

My sister has had episodes like this with men but fortunately never married any of them. It's a slow road back afterwards, but she's always made it back to us eventually. I really feel for you OP.

Can you meet her in her lunch hour for a coffee?

Just be there for her and let her know you are. Keep lines of communication up. She'll see in her own time.

Can you use her work email to be in touch if it doesn't contravene her workplace policy? I would try hard to establish some kind of regular and preferably private contact with her so that you can be there when she's ready to tell you.

When I was going through this my sister would text me most days and just ask how I was or give me a little update into her day. It meant a lot to me to be able to keep the connection alive even though I was not able to call her or visit her because of my abusive ex.

It took me ten years and three dc before I left him, and she just welcomed me back. There were never any 'told-you-so' moments or telling me he was a twat. Just her very simple uncomplicated and undemanding friendship.

It was the best thing ever. I would recommend letting her know you care but saying no more. She will figure it out.

Well said namechanger.

There is so much of this going on.

I don't know where these leeches get there ideas from
I could have written a similar post. It is so difficult because we are talking about adults but they really do need some help to realise the position they are in.
What gets me is that it is not only one woman who suffers, the entire family suffers. Sisters, brothers parents et al worry.
There are things I wish I had handled differently but mostly you just have to wait till they see something is wrong

OP I had this with my eldest sister and with a friend. I agree with Namechanger that you just need to keep letting her know that you are there for her even when (especially when?) you don't get anything at all back from her. Do not criticize him - that'll force her to be defensive and make it less likely she will feel able to confide in you. Just reach out as often as you can, remind her that you love her.

It's an awful thing to go through to watch someone you care about be systematically isolated and feel powerless to help. But just do everything you can so that she knows you are there for her.

That is very tough. Agree with what everyone else has said. Don't push her but don't give up, and just keep letting her know that you are there and would love to see her. This must be really hard for you