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Original poster

Any advice for living with an OH with suspected ADD/ADHD?

20 replies

tartanterror · 21/05/2017 20:19

Just that really. Feeling worn down with H's anger and inability to deal with stress. He says he wants to work at it but isn't seeming to make much effort.... maybe if I can improve my outlook it will give him a chance to do the right thing. Then I can say I've given it my best shot.... anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/05/2017 21:01

Improve your outlook? What the what now?

sourgrapes28 · 21/05/2017 21:29

Has he been to see his gp and been referred to a pschyciatrist? Has there been any discussion of medication or would he be trying natural remedies? ( different things work for different people ). Unfortunately it's not your outlook that will have to change so a lot of work will be expected from H. Dp of 9 years has adhd and is currently doing really well on medication but before hand I was near my wits end and was struggling to cope.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/05/2017 21:58

Have you considered getting some counselling for yourself? To help you cope with living with an angry man and your ideas about it being you not him who has to give it the best shot in solving his problems before leaving him.

Original poster

tartanterror · 21/05/2017 22:26

I've got to the point of being pretty angry myself! I suppose what I'm saying is that unless I can get out of my current negative mindset I will not appreciate the small steps that (presumably) will be taken as we go along. I'm assuming this is going to be slow and difficult.

He's been seeing a DBT therapist for over a year and it has helped in some ways and not in others, but the therapist has said he doesn't think OH has any "disorder". I think he was thinking about a personality disorder and I've no idea if they've discussed ADHD. I'm not Party to what they discuss and I've no idea whether OH is working on stuff that I might be interested in/prioritise.... we had decided he needed to do some work after couples counselling didn't help.

sourgrapes what steps did your oh take which helped? And how london by did it take?

OP posts:

Original poster

tartanterror · 21/05/2017 22:27

Long not london!

OP posts:

sureitsgrand · 21/05/2017 22:32

I'm pretty sure my husband is adhd undiagnosed.
It's very hard work.
You have my sympathies I don't really know what to say, my dh doesn't think there is a problem and self medicates with alcohol instead.

scoobydoo1971 · 21/05/2017 22:35

My OH has ADHD...or so I thought...concentration span of a goldfish, anger issues and insane energy levels. Turns out he had bipolar disorder after I marched him to the psychiatrist, and he responded well to treatment. Not a miracle cure but a micro version of what once was a huge behavioural problem. Strongly recommend that you take your husband to the doctors as some men are hopeless at going on their own, especially to talk about emotional-behavioural stuff.

Offred · 21/05/2017 22:57

If his therapist thinks he doesn't have any disorders then why is ADHD being suspected and who is suspicious?

It is you isn't it? You are caught in a trap of trying to fix your angry abusive partner.

He has been checked out. He is having therapy. They do not believe he has any disorders. Do you know what is infinitely more likely to be the problem than ADHD?

That he is simply an abusive partner. That his angry behaviour is designed to control you and that this is based on a belief system he learned in childhood and which tells him he is entitled to control you with angry, and other kinds of antisocial, behaviour.

The simplest explanation is often the best.

JayneAusten · 21/05/2017 23:12

Anger and inability to deal with stress aren't really the main symptoms of ADHD, so what is it about your husband that makes you think he has this?

If he does have ADHD, medication is far and away the most successful treatment, and you should see a big difference instantly.

sourgrapes28 · 21/05/2017 23:13

Dp has been diagnosed since childhood and had a pretty good hold of it when we first met but after a few years of " real life problems" ( mum not doing everything for him and me not knowing what to do to make things better ) the stress built and cracks appeared. After the birth of ds he had a particularly bad day and he was told doctors or you're out ( I know it sounds harsh but it was needed). That was 3 years ago and he currently still takes medication but he hopes to be off them in the next year or 2. It's a long process and it will take a long time to get any results you're correct on that one. Can you get him to sit and talk to you about it or agree for you to attend his therapy appointments?
Dp loves building things so we have a stress hut he basically buggers off to up the back of the garden for an hour or so and builds airplanes etc till he has calmed down.

sourgrapes28 · 21/05/2017 23:17

I think jayneAustin may be right op, if it's just anger issues then that really doesn't sound like adhd. I would definitely be attending these therapy sessions to get to the bottom of this.

Nikitasol · 21/05/2017 23:21

I left. Couldn't deal with it all anymore. So difficult.

Also read this a while ago which might be relevant to you: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/17/left-home-divorce-proceedings-wife-separated-struggling-marriage

Original poster

tartanterror · 22/05/2017 08:58

Thanks Niki lots to think about.

It's not an option for me to attend the sessions sour.

I organised the sessions for him as he'd never have managed that, but he has gone consistently (so I'm unfair to say he's not putting effort in) and last year they seemed to pay off. Things have got rocky again so I'm struggling with the setback and remaining positive.

The idea of a neurobiological problem raised its head since DS was diagnosed last year. I thought it came from my genes but the last few months I'm looking at my husband's!

I am swinging between ADHD and PDA as possible issues. I've raised them with him, but it's not easy to accept in oneself the idea of such a weakness. There's been a lot of grieving on behalf of our son's diagnosis and because of my own soul searching I know that it I would find it hard to accept medication. I can privately accept my possible ASD and know that there is no pill or therapy which will change things. I don't have to see a doctor about a "defect". Hence why I'm treading very carefully and not marching him to the Dr. I will try to act as I would like someone to treat me - difficult and frustrating as that is!!

I posted principally about ADHD as it's more widely recognised in adults now and there is marriage guidance info out there. PDA info hasn't developed to recognise the older population yet. ADHD is a more palatable/solvable issue compared to PDA as well..... so I'm ain't scared about what the answer will be if we go down the psychiatric route if I'm honest.

OP posts:

Offred · 22/05/2017 10:20

But why do you think he has any kind of disorder? His therapist does not believe he has a disorder.

The heritability re ASD/ADHD simply isn't clear, there is a possible genetic link which does not imply it is inherited from parents. It is not the case that your DC 'must have got it from one of us' and that one or both of you must be diagnosable. Of course you may also be diagnosable but even if you were this still doesn't mean your DC 'got it' from you.

Do you not think this has simply come into your mind as a way of coping with your child's diagnosis and that actually if he is in therapy you need to leave it to his therapist to diagnose/refer for diagnosis and your role is simply to either want to be with him or not?

Offred · 22/05/2017 10:22

Micromanaging his behaviour and now his therapy is not going to help the situation re you and your SEN child really is it?

As with all adults, they HAVE to take responsibility for themselves, for being a safe partner and a safe parent.

Offred · 22/05/2017 10:26

And TBH he has been in therapy for a good long while and his issues persist. Either you are right and he needs further or more appropriate support or he is simply a common or garden angry insecure man and no therapy is going to help. Either way, HE has to sort HIMSELF out and if he won't you can't sort it for him, you can only decide if you want to stay with him or not taking into account how he is and how his anger problem persists.

Original poster

tartanterror · 22/05/2017 15:22

Offred thanks that's good advice. I had a long chat with OH about ADHD this morning and he has looked into it himself today. Fingers crossed he sorts himself out

OP posts:

PsychedelicSheep · 23/05/2017 12:15

DBT is almost exclusively used for clients who are 'emotionally dysregulated', many of which for whom this would be in the context of Borderline Personality Disorder (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder in the ICD10) which is what this type of therapy was designed to treat. His therapist is saying he wouldn't be likely to meet full criteria for diagnosis for this but if he's engaging well with this approach and it's working there's clearly a reason why.

Slapping a label on him isn't going to change how he behaves towards you though, don't get bogged down in whether he's got this disorder or that disorder, look at how he makes you feel and ask yourself whether this is a relationship you still want to be in.

Littlelondoner · 23/05/2017 23:43

Your possible ASD is this self diagnosed also?

I think you need to stop trying to label things. It will not change the situation etc.

As some one who has ADHD trust me it is more frustrating and annoying for the person who suffers with it themselves. How ever.... it is a more complex issue in so many ways than simply a bad tempor or short attention span.

Chris2107 · 29/12/2017 15:17

I think my OH has some of these symptoms - reading through articles on marriages with one partner with it and the other one being a "critical parent" felt like someone had been taking detailed notes on my 28 year relationship. My husband has many of the characteristics and the jump out ones are high impulsivity, stupid decisions which are often selfish and impact others negatively - but he does not see it that way - chaotic / messy - tends to be dog with squirrel in terms of attention span. Creative / energetic too but really hard work to live with due to the above. Came to this thought as adult son who has struggled has been assessed for Aspergers and not given that diagnosis but has been recommended for review for ADD - reading up on it made me look at my relationship. Every few weeks he does something stupid that hurts me - latest one being commissioning a piece of jewelry for a work colleague who is moving on at £150 without discussing it with me. I got a £40 wildlife camera for my Xmas and thought the jewelry was the other part of my present. A real Emma Thompson Love Actually moment - apart from the fact that they are not having an affair. She has a bf. He just does stupid impulsive things. Like me being 1 week out of hospital for neurosurgery on my neck and he is working away for 2 days and nights and does not call to see how i am - and then spends the 3rd day on site as he thinks he is going to get a ride in a helicopter - in radio silence. He works for himself so can My nurse friend so worried about me as had been v ill recovering she stayed over. He does not get it in these situations that the behaviour is odd - he just does dog-squirrel - if you have seen Up you will know the reference. Can be thoughtful and kind but when theres a squirrel distraction heaven help me. I take anti depressants, see a counsellor and have learned not to get angry as it clouds the situation. Beginning to wonder if counsellor is going to get a PhD or a blockbuster book out of the tales I bring to her. I have had 5 operations in 4 years which have stopped me working and a son to have to support - in case you were going to ask...

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