I did it!

[MerryRealisation]

So I have a pretty rough week and and ever rougher weekend. This afternoon all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. Which I finally succumbed to.
When I went back downstairs H pushed me into telling him what was wrong. I finally told him I wasn't happy, that we don't make each other happy and that o can't see a way forward. I didn't actually use the separate word.
Well, you'd think it was all in my head. He was utterly dumbfounded. He says he knew I wasn't great but that he didn't realise it was him
We had crying and snot and wanting to be cuddled. This is all from someone who hasn't shown and emotional ounce for a very long time.
Now he keeps staring at me and wanting to touch me. I don't want him to touch me. I've told him.
I'm just amazed that he is so surprised.
Not sure really why I've started the thread but needed somewhere to post.
I feel like I'm a massive twat but also like a pressure has been lifted

Well done. That first step is the hardest part, because now you've admitted to yourself and him that you want change, and hopefully now things will change.

Perhaps this is the huge wake up call he's needed. Maybe now you can work on your relationship.

How has he responded when you have talked before?

Honestly, my DH has the emotional range of a teaspoon (thanks hermione). There's no harm in him but you have to be very self reliant...

Well done you!! Massively so. Do you want to work at this or are you done?

I'm done. I've been done for a while. I can't cope with the non existent level of intimacy. Which is why I'm struggling with the huge increase in touching me this evening.
I love him as a friend and as someone I've spent 20 years with but not as a lover. He doesn't excite me that way any more. He's eroded that feeling by the way he has treated me. So bloody hard explaining that to him.
He acted like this was out if the blue. Yeah, out of the blue over at least 5 years!

Thank you for your thoughts everyone. I hadn't planned on the convo today but that's the way it happened. I feel better then I have done in ages. Despite being made to feel I've ruined his world

But is that 5 years of you telling him you're not happy or 5 years of you not staying anything whilst thinking it was screamingly bloody obvious?

Might he, genuinely, have not thought anything of it? Perhaps he thought the "rut" was you and didn't push.

If you're done try to get it sorted as soon as you can. He deserves that (well he might not). Don't prolong things or promise to 'try again' (I did this because it was getting too hard and in hindsight even though he was a dick it was cruel). Good luck to you lady x

Changedname - it's been at least two years of being very clear or so I thought. He really just hasn't listened. I knew he hadn't really as he did nothing to change anything. He missed my birthday last year and then our 20 anniversary. He only pulled it out the bag at Christmas as I gave him a list.

JK1773 - I do need to move it on. We are due to go on holiday all together in a few weeks. I'm not really sure what to do about that. It would be cruel to met him think it can be saved. I feel cruel anyway.

I'm feeling horrid this morning. Like I'm ruining everything just for selfish reasons.

Who else is going on the holiday, other adults or your DC? From my own experience, going on holiday with someone that you've separated from (even if still living together) is fucking awful. My ex took it as a sign that I must want to save the relationship and my DS found it very confusing. The whole week was just a stressful nightmare and none of us enjoyed it. I had pre-paid for the whole thing and didn't want to "lose the money" but in hindsight I should have told him to take DS on his own, or I should have, or we should have just cancelled.

All 4 of us are going. So me, H and two DC (4&7). I've got a couple of weeks yet so will see how it pans out.