How do you get over needing to "own" people, places and things?

[Dictatistar]

Hi
You know those people who - when you talk about someone else - want to always make clear they are their "best friend" or "like their sister/brother/family," Or that the place you went on holiday is "like their second home," or that they "wrote a book" on the topic you are talking about.

Or feel they should be the first to be told about news. Or consulted on something.

Well I AM that person. But you would never know because I never show it or say anything. I just have huge amounts of internal angst until it has blown over. Especially if it's something I really feel is "mine" like my best friend. E.g. My best friend had a baby last week. I spent the entire time after she was having the baby angsting in my head about what was going on and who was being told what. I mean, that's ridiculous.

I despise it in other people too.

I don't know how to get over it. How do you get over it?

What kind of angst? What thoughts about who was told what? I am struggling to see what the angsty thinking about baby news would be? How would those thoughts be negative?

Do you have very low self-esteem, fear of abandonment?

Need to be Seen as Queen because you feel worthless?

Hmm, you sound very self-aware OP. I don't think many people who do this would necessarily recognise it, let alone be able to able to discuss it openly.

Not sure if it's quite the same thing, but in my childhood/youth I used to be very possessive. Not just regarding boyfriends, I remember being insanely jealous of my mum's best friend for example.

What cured me was realising, as the result of a devastating loss of a relationship, the complete futility of it all. The more you try to assert your claim to be first in their affections, the more likely they are to push you away.

I try to live in the moment now, and not lock things down for all time.

Not sure if any of that resonates with your experience. Perhaps you are talking about something a bit broader and more generalised?

Sounds like insecurity? You need to prove that you know as much, are important, etc.

I agree, you sound very self aware. Perhaps you can reframe things, so think about being happy for other people about their experiences, being lucky to have your own friendships and experiences? Does that make sense at all?

When people talk are you interested in what they are saying, thinking about them and their situation? Or are you having a different conversation in your own head in parallel where you are thinking about yourself and only half listening to them?

I used to be a bit like this, I think. I had a phase of it when I was 23-24ish. In hindsight, it was down to insecurity on my part.
I think it changed when I got a place on a really good grad scheme. I made a lot of new friends and just no longer felt so needy I guess. Looking back I can't believe I felt so angsty about things, there really was no need, and it didn't achieve anything except to make me feel crap.

RunRabbit what you've described is exactly what I do. I am embarrassingly self centred, but I try to hide it. I can't help it, it's strange

See! I eve just tried to make this thread about me!

(Backs away into a corner)

flib Maybe my technique will help you although it is for different reasons. I have issues with remembering spoken information, or rather it takes intense concentration to maintain focus. Someone told me the trick of "briefing" DH later on what I had learned about others in a social conversation. Not in a gossipy way, more nicely. Considering the need for narrative later helps me to maintain focus on understanding their "story".

I think I know what you mean but don't we all do it?

I know I do it if there's a disaster or something and I have more of a link to it than other people. It just makes you feel a bit more interesting for about five minutes.

I had this & when I noticed it became a problem (along with other signs) I visited my GP and was diagnosed with anxiety. Not saying this is you but perhaps something to consider?