The spark has gone

[whereismytrufflecutter]

Hello there,

My DH and I have been together 10 years and married 5 years. We have two DC aged 3 and 4 years old.

We go through phases of trying to make more of an effort with eachother in the romance and sex department but we both have basically given up.
He doesn't pay me any attention or make me feel wanted so in return it makes me not want to bother either. I do think hes attractive but im just not excited by the thought of having sex with him anymore.
I have recently had a few sort of erotic dreams where im sort after by another man and although married, i go for it. And its really got me thinking. Not that i ever would cheat - but i dont think its good that the thought excites me a little.

Funnily enough DH today mentioned our spark had gone and hes just not interested at the moment. Normally i would have been upset by that but i totally agree with him.
He said maybe we could try some sort of counselling although im not sure how to go about that and who you would go to to help get the spark back.

The last thing i want is a divorce and i know couples go through ups and downs especially with romance and sex when they have kids so what can we do?

We dont argue much at all, we always laugh and joke with each other and it feels like we're mates instead of husband and wife.

In the past when ive turned down any advances he made he would get so offended and then not want to try again so its mainly been left to me with him moaning we dont do it enough. He said earlier if i had asked him for sex in the last couple of weeks he would have said no and would rather read his book instead.
I completely understand where hes coming from cause id rather just go to sleep.

Any advice would be very much appreciated

Oh dear, this is sad for you both. I don't think I have any good advice but could you maybe start 'dating' again. Have an evening a week or fortnight where you go out, get dressed up, look forward to it? My spark went with my ex but that was because he was emotionally abusive, lazy and thoughtless. Sounds like you have a good man really x

Hi JK1773 thanks for your reply. Im sorry about your experience with your EH.
He really is a good man and a brilliant dad to our children. I know he would do anything for me if i asked and i would do the same for him.
Yes the dating thing does sound like a good idea although we went out on a date night a few weeks ago and i didnt feel anything really. We had a nice meal and then went home and dtd but it wasnt exciting or anything.
Im so stuck with what we can do to make it better. I dont feel that comfortable asking anyone in real life for advice or really know of anyone who has gone through a similar experience. Its pretty difficult. We will talk tonight and see how we go.

I get you, it's difficult. I wish I could advise you more. I hope you resolve this, you sound like a lovely couple. Maybe others will have ideas x

I think it's perfectly normal to run out of sexual desire for someone you've been with for 10 years. That's why so many people have affairs and/or split up. What keeps a couple together is if the love and friendship is strong enough to carry them through the loss of the 'spark' as you call it.

It sounds like you might have that. It's good that you are talking about it, rather than one of you having an affair/leaving. Don't worry about the erotic dreams/fantasies. That's normal. He'll have them too. Counselling is a good idea, or maybe just keep talking and commit yourselves to restarting your sex life.

Forget the 'spark', aim for a loving and mutually satisfying intimacy.

I'd suggest trying to make things more romantic, having date nights etc; but from what you write it could just be the end of the road for the relationship; I'd be worried that there is literally no spark and you both saying you are not even interested in trying to change things; could honestly just be that you have both come to realise that it's not going to last forever, sorry.