Think DH is depressed but he won't seek help

[SouperTrooper]

Hello
I'm not quite sure if this is the right place for this- but hoping I might be able to get some advice.

I've been with DH over 10 years, married for 5 and we have two wonderful DDs (3 and 3 months). We have a great life with very few worries (all healthy, money is fine, lovely families) sure we don't get as much sleep as we'd like but who does with young DC?

Anyway, my husband goes through real down phases, lethargic, gets upset easily, curls up into a ball and cries, and is really down on himself and our lives (he frequently says he's useless and can't do anything, his job is stressful etc) these can last for a few days at a time. They used to happen every 6 months or so which I find understandable- everyone gets stressed, but they've been increasing and now they're happening every couple of weeks.

In the past and now he points to a particular trigger - reshuffle at work, I've snapped at him for not tidying up, so I've tried to tackle
It practically advised him to talk to a mentor at work or see if they have a confidential counsellor, I've asked him if he wants to talk to friends or family, had full discussions about household tasks, asked if he'd like to take up swimming/running and said I'd do all bedtime things once a week if it would help. I also said I thought he should speak to the GP. But he's not done anything at all. things came to a head a couple of weeks ago after DD1 was having some epic tantrums & I was exhausted. I was due to be at my parents the week after with the girls so asked him to use that time to either book an appointment with the doctor or figure out how he was going to deal with things. He didn't do anything and this morning and afternoon he's gone into another one of his funks again. I've asked him to speak to the doctor again or his family but he just shakes his head.

I don't know what to do, I'm really concerned about him but am also on my knees with a baby that isn't sleeping well and a toddler who's pushing the boundaries. I'm struggling to look after myself as well as the girls and can't do it with him too.

Thanks for reading and if anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated

First thing I'd say is get off his case about house work and his job, don't try and solutionise. Second is when he's like this, make him a coffee, give him a hug and let him cry. When he calms sit with him and book and appointment with him and reassure him you'll go to and you still love him and don't judge him. I know you're tired too but snapping at him and pressuring won't help him, he'll just shrink more into himself. Just support him and he'll open up more and once the kids are in bed do something u both used to love. Listen and just pour in more love. I know that helped me massively. Just be there and don't give him any more pressure. He's already putting himself under too much for him to handle clearly

It sounds like you've already done a lot to try and sort this, OP. And if he won't go to a GP appointment, there's not much you can do for him.I'm so sorry you have this added stress to your life, you really must be exhausted.

You are making it too easy for him to not go to the GP or deal with his behaviour. You are kind of rewarding it.

You have a 3 month old baby and every two weeks he spends several days being in a funk where he has to do fuck all and you have to take care of him as well as the baby and the toddler and your post-natal self. No. No. No.

Don't look after him! At all. Don't do all the bed times. Don't fail to snap at him when he doesn't do his share of housework. Don't gently suggest the bleeding obvious about how he could help himself.

*lethargic, gets upset easily, curls up into a ball and cries, and is really down on himself and our lives (he frequently says he's useless and can't do anything, his job is stressful etc)

Here's what you do:

• he's lethargic "I feel shit too. Do the dishwasher."
• he gets upset easily " I feel shit too. Change the baby's nappy."
• he curls up in a ball. "I feel shit too. Toddler needs a bath, you do it."
• he is down on himself and your life. "I feel shit too. Take the bins out."

You have a 3 month old baby and a 3 year old, surely you also feel lethargic, get upset, want to curl up in a ball and feel down on everything now and then? But you just fucking get on with it.

He's not a special princess. He's an adult. Treat him like his pain is more speshul than yours and he will do it more. Just like he is.

Conflicting advice here but thank you!

Babyonboard I think you're right that I may have been adding to the pressure he's already feeling which hasn't helped and rubrabbit you've summed up really how frustrated & angry I've been feeling- but I know he's in a genuine shitty place at the moment not being a princess, if he was just being an areshole he'd get short shrift. This is different. Mimi seven thank you for the sympathy - I am exhausted but have grandparents on hand next week thankfully!

Anyway, we had a chat and he admitted that today and recent spells have genuinely been because of work pressure & it's totally unfair that I've been bearing the brunt of it. He can see I'm exhausted too so he's cleaning up downstairs and I'll have an early night (until the baby wakes!) but I've asked him to think about what he can do to avoid the pressure building up or figure out someway to release the stress rather than imploding when it's too much.

Anyway, I should get to sleep whilst I can! Thanks again

But he is being an arsehole!

The fact that you think he isn't doing it on purpose doesn't stop the behaviour being that of an arsehole.

If it happens again I'd say you need to be much blunter than: I've asked him to think about what he can do to avoid the pressure building up or figure out someway to release the stress rather than imploding when it's too much You really really shouldn't have to tell him to do that. Can you imagine behaving that way yourself and doing nothing to fix it?

More like " I cannot tolerate you behaving like such an arsehole. Fix it."

Maybe he's got man pnd. Apparently that's a Thing, now

I'd phone & make a GP appt & go with him.

It's really tough living with a depressed partner; it's no wonder you're struggling with young DC & no support. Unfortunately, he probably isn't seeing past himself at the moment.

As baby on board and MoreProsecco say. Book the appt and go with him. Reassure him.

I wish I'd fine this rather than flail around and be angry. My Dh is now going to the GP and getting help but we made some monumentally bad decisions to get there.

Read up on depression.

If he won't get help when you've made the appt and go be with him, then different tactics may be required.

My god there's so many ignorant people about mental health issues on this thread!

Op, your husband is ill and quite frankly sounds as if he's at breaking point.

The housework does not matter! He's overloaded with stress and is visibly not coping.

Make a doctors appointment for him and take him there. Go in with him and be there for support.

I agree some people are being extremely harsh. He's curling into a ball and sobbing. He's not sitting on his phone saying he CBA to help with the kids.
He needs to see the GP. This is not a sustainable situation and will affect the whole family.