How did you blend your family & furniture

[peonyinparadise]

Name changed for this thread. I've recently become engaged to a wonderful man. We are both in our 50s, second marriage for him, first for me. He has two grown up DCs from his first marriage & I have a 7 year old DC from a previous relationship. I will be renting out my house and we will move in together to his house in the next few months. My question: how the hell do you go about blending two homes? I have no doubt that my relationship with his older kids will blossom and I am thrilled at the new family we will all become. but feel overwhelmed at the prospect of living with his chintz sofa & matching curtains, accumulated crap of 50 years being added to my accumalted crap and both of being swamped by our previous life possessions. What did you do?

Decide on what you both like and get rid of the rest?!

I secretly loath his chintzy interiors but he really likes them. At what point do I insist that they go & I redecorate?

It's possible he's just used it? Have you actually had a conversation with him - men are not mind readers. Go through some home design magazines and ask him what he likes. He needs to understand that his home will now be shared and that involves compromise on both sides. But do talk to him.

Used TO it!

I think you need to discuss this at the outset..it is your home now and also important for your dc to feel comfortable.

If he isn't open to changes now to help you settle you may have issues longer term as I doubt he will change afterwards.Why would he?

If this is permanent then you both need to consider it as a "new" house, for each of you.He should be facing some disruption (as happens in a move) not just you.
How are finances being worked out?

Late-DH moved into my home, bringing only his personal belongings, bed (he'd brought it for 'us' when he moved into a rental a year before and it was bigger and newer than mine) and TV (ditto newer / bigger).
He had other stuff which was stored at his mum's, but the majority of things, furniture etc had been left in his FMH with his ex-wife. The stuff at his mum's hasn't been used for 4+ years so clearly wasn't a major part of his life! Old clothes, books, old pc etc.

So a bit different than your situation as he moved in and lived with "my life".
Also he moved in alone, you have a 7yo so you need some if their familiar things around to make it feel like their home.

Tbh we changed very little to be 'ours'. The bedroom seemed ours because of the bed and bedding, all of which he'd brought in his rental while we'd been together. The rest of the house didn't change though, I soppose in time we'd have chosen new furniture etc together as it was replaced.

You probably just need to talk about it (as with most things ☺).

Hope it all goes well.

I know I'll sound like a killjoy, but I wouldn't consider moving in with someone who I wasn't comfortable bringing this up with.

You need to talk to him!

My fiancé is moving in with me next year - I have my house decorated just how I like it, but there is a lift conversion in progress. So I've said - is the existing stuff OK for you, how shall we do the loft?

You don't have to say "man your tastes are crap and out of date!". You can say "I'll feel more at home and less like I'm in your home if we redecorate - what do you think?" then talk about styles.

When I moved into DHs flat I redecorated throughout, replaced his manky sofa and put pictures up.

Over the years as we've moved houses we've ended up buying new stuff anyway and now I didn't think there's anything left of either of ours from before we met (obvs not personal stuff, I just mean furniture and pictures and ornaments and things).

DH is completely uninterested in home decor so I just get on with it really.

Thanks, these messages are helpful. We discussed it before and he seemed pretty attached to all of his fusty old furnishings. Planning to bring this up again tonight. Chintz be gone

When I read the title I thought you were trying to match your furniture to your kids, or vice versa. Clearly not awake yet. As you were.

Parmaviolets Now there's an idea

Ha ha! That's what I thought as well, Parma!

The thing with this is that it sounds like a minor problem, but actually could be upsetting and stressful if you don't feel that the home is really "yours".

Why not approach it by saying something like: "This is a new beginning - lets start afresh by redecorating and choosing new stuff together" rather than "I can't stand all this chintz!!!"

For what it's worth, I couldn't stand it either!

When I read the title I thought you were trying to match your furniture to your kids, or vice versa. Clearly not awake yet. As you were

Nah I thought the same and I've been awake for ages. I thought it was going to be a twilight zone jobbie

Maybe you should have the redecorating chat before you move in OP. I'm lucky, my husband doesn't care less spit how the house looks. I think we would be locking horns otherwise.

Thanks hamshop & gamer. Both spot on with your advice there. I really love decorating and making a place feel calm, fun, inviting, cosy. It's a big thing for me and over the years family & friends have said how much they enjoy coming over to my various flats/houses. DP has said how much he likes his home but to me it screams Violet Bouquet. Formal, fusty, old fashioned. He's quite old school himself but in a charming & lovely way. I love him, hate his curtains

Is it his FMH? Are these choices originally his exW's?

Definitely go with the new start new beginnings all in it together.

Not his FMH. But I think his ex liked frilly nets & loud flower prints. So I think he's copied what's familiar. He has some lovely antique furniture & heirlooms which I can happily blend into the new decor. Just hoping he doesn't put up a fight about the grim upholstery

😁 good luck!

Of course you could discover some mould damage or some holes from Moths in said drapes OP ?

It's going to be your home. You should have it how you both like it and hopefully he will agree or compromise on this. I moved into my exes house where he'd lived with his ex wife and I never settled there. Hated it.

When I moved into DHs house with my kids it was on the understanding I could put my own stamp on it. He bought the house with his ex and although she only lived there for a year, it needed to feel like ours, not theirs.
I brought my furniture which was better quality than his, so he gave his to his brother who was setting up home with his girlfriend in exchange for decorating graft.
In an ideal world we'd have sold his house and bought a new place together but the finances didn't stack up.
So that was the compromise. I'll move to yours, but we make it ours.
Can you suggest that then take the design lead

Only take personal possessions (antiques, art etc) into a new life. Leave everything else behind and start again.

It's totally reasonable to suggest some redecoration if you are moving into his house and want to make it yours, as in both of yours. Have a chat about blending old with new. Keeping the good antiques, ditching the chintz ( just tell him ).

Maybe do some Pinterest boards using clean, beautiful paint colours with textured fabrics and his antiques as the pieces that make it properly homely and unique.

You might have to sell him this idea but you sound as if you know your way around interior design and can make it really lovely. If you have space for him to have a man den maybe he can keep anything he loves but you hate in there?

I once saw a great pair of portraits of a married couple, she in one room and he in another, both rooms totally different. I guess they couldn't compromise!