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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

7 year itch

15 replies

whyamimarriedtohim · 20/05/2017 21:54

Hi everyone, I'm a long time lurker but have never felt the need to post looking for advice before. I would love if someone could have a read and advise me.

I've been married for 7 years now and am seriously wondering if there is something to the 7 year itch. Myself and my DH are not getting on at all and this evening I felt like telling him I want to separate, instead I came away from the house for a while to have some head space to think.

Here is our set up. DH doesn't work the full year. Any time he works he has to work away. This year there were 4 months of him working away monday to friday and back for weekends. Also this year, he worked away for a full 8 week stretch. Next week he's off for 7 weeks and we won't see him during this time. During this time I work full time and look after our two children. When he's home at weekends he will do housework if asked or go to shops if I give him a list but otherwise he will sit on his behind.

Here's what happened today to make me think I've had enough of DH. My youngest is not sporty and is putting on a little bit of weight so for the last while we've been making a big effort to get more active. She started football on Saturday mornings and after a good few Saturday mornings where she refused to join in with her friends she finally started to take to it. Last week she did the whole hour and loved it. I was delighted.

Today my DH had his nieces communion mass to go to, I knew this but I booked a hair appointment for the same time and asked him to take youngest to football while I got my hair done. Cue him saying no and us having an argument. I had an event to go to with my family today and I wanted to look nice for once. I just never have time for things like this. My family make such a huge effort with their appearance and I never have the time or money to.

This is too long I know. Can anyone advise me if they think I was being silly booking a hair appointment when I knew he was going to something already?

OP posts:

Teardropexplodes · 20/05/2017 22:22

In terms of the seven year itch, I'm wondering myself. We've been together seven years and I'm having serious doubts.

As for your hair appointment, it wasn't the best plan. Communion mass is a big milestone. It seems quite unfair to expect DH to miss it to take DD to football practice. Either DD should miss football or you should have your hair done another time.

Why weren't you all going to mass? It's usually a family occasion.

Changedname3456 · 20/05/2017 22:47

"Can anyone advise me if they think I was being silly booking a hair appointment when I knew he was going to something already?"

You need to ask?

mistermagpie · 20/05/2017 22:49

Why would you book a hair appointment for a time when you knew he had an event to go to? There must be another time you could have done that?

MrsBadger · 20/05/2017 23:03

Yabu to double-book dh like that without even checking in advance and it's no surprise it caused a row.

However Yanbu to a. want to look nice for an event or b. address his work/life balance if it's not working for you. But this is big-picture stuff and needs to be a sensible discussion, not an emotive argument.

MinkowskisButterfly · 20/05/2017 23:17

I'm afraid yes, YABU to book a hair appointment when you knew full well he had something important to attend already. In fact I would consider that to be quite selfish on your part.

neveradullmoment99 · 20/05/2017 23:22

Really? Were you looking for an argument? He had his nieces communion to go to and yet you booked a hair appointment that you could have gone to anytime.
YABU.
No doubt about it.

scottishdiem · 21/05/2017 01:30

Was sympathetic to your plight until the communion thing. You knew he was going but still did it. I can totally see why but you have started to check out of the marriage. Making appointments, on purpose, that conflict with once-in-a-lifetime family events means you no longer really care about him or his family.

Its not really an itch is it. You have been living near seperate lives for so long that you dont feel married anymore.

How does he feel about working away so much? He may either be just as disengaged from you as you are now from him or does he do it cause its the best way he knows how to support you and his family? He is missing out on a lot of his children's lives. You should probably be asking him his thoughts about that prior to worrying about your hair.

mylaststraw · 21/05/2017 02:29

My OH works away a lot and has in the past needed to be asked to do stuff I think should be obvious (house/kids related etc). Booking your hair appt at the same time as his prior important engagement (if there were no other factors involved, you knew about the mass and an alternative appt was available) sounds like a passive aggressive way of making him choose who is most important. I understand that. It was unreasonable though because of the importance of the other occasion, so you put him in a no win situation and practically guaranteed he would be angry either way. I think you're kicking back about the work /life /home situation, which you are not happy with. Can you make any changes to this before your resentment escalates?

Original poster

whyamimarriedtohim · 21/05/2017 03:15

Thanks so much for the advice guys, I really appreciate all of you taking the time to write out a response.

I should have said it was a last minute decision from me walking by the local hairdresser yesterday to see if they had any cancellations. Up to that I thought I'd just go without a hair appointment and take my daughters to their events just like I always do. When they had one at the same time as the mass I said to myself I'll just book it, surely he'll just make a bit of a sacrifice like I've made all year and join his family for the last part of the mass.

The reason we weren't all going together was the church only allows one row per family so we wouldn't have fit. It's always like that for communions here.

My entire family have supported DH and we have all tried to use connections to get him something closer to home that pays the bills. It worked for a while last year, he got something and we were all getting along great. Then he got an offer of something away from home on better money and he took it. I wanted him to stay here but it was him who chose to go away. I think I did take my resentment out on him by booking the appointment and it didn't work, spoiled the morning for me. We need to sit down and sort out the bigger picture.

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 21/05/2017 03:40

When you talk about the bigger picture remember that you have said:

I never have the time or money to.

Then he got an offer of something away from home on better money.

I appreciate you work as well so is everything fair in terms of shared monies for house, children, bills etc? If so, then if you are struggling to have money for a haircut then perhaps he feels the pressure to work away for more money.

Original poster

whyamimarriedtohim · 21/05/2017 03:57

When he got the job locally our combined salaries were covering every bill with a bit left over each month. When he took the better offer away we were left with a good bit at the end of the month after all the bills were paid. That well paid contract ended quite suddenly though and we are now back to him working short contracts and are just covering all bills.

OP posts:

LedaP · 21/05/2017 05:18

So you expected him to cancel going to the communion at last minute or just turning up at the end, without talking about it? Because you feel he owes you?

This isnt about a 7 year itch and i wonder what his side of this is

thethoughtfox · 21/05/2017 08:39

Nothing you posted sound like an 'itch'. He works away for the family, he took work near you when he could, he works hard but when you ask him to do housework or shopping he does ( yes, no one wants to have to ask their partner to do this) He had an important family function to go to and you demanded he cancel it at no notice for a frivolous reason? In fact, you wanted him to no turn up at an event for his family so you could prep for a later event for your own family thus saying your life is more important than his?

If you are unhappy and unsatisfied with him or your life, that is up to you. Are you looking for an excuse to cause a fight / end the marriage?

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 21/05/2017 08:43

Sorry but I agree completely with everything that thethoughtfox says. If you're not happy, well that sadly happens sometimes but don't try to blame your unhappiness on him when, from this post anyway, it sounds very much as though you are the one being unreasonable.

TheNaze73 · 21/05/2017 11:12

I would love to hear his side of this....

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