Why doesn't he want sex with me?

[Ascot37]

I'm new here and while having a look through the discussions I found one on frequency of sex... it seems everyone else's partner/husband wants more and I have the opposite problem. I've been with my partner for 4 years and we used to have sex all the time. After about 18 months he just never seemed to want me anymore. We now have sex about once a month and then because I start moaning about it! All my friends say their husbands want it all the time and I'm left feeling very unattractive because he doesn't want me. If I try to initiate it he just says he's tired, I've asked him about it and he says it's normal?! Does anyone else have this problem? Am I unreasonable to want more intimacy in my relationship?

No I don't think you should just put up with it. With quality over quantity. But you need to find some common ground.

What happened in his marriage? He sounds a commitment phobe or emotional unavailable.

Funnyfarmer I used to try and do a bit of affectionate flirting etc I made it clear! But he just said "oh stop it darling" so I never ever try now, can't stand the rejection! I was thinking tonight that even on a three week holiday he didn't want sex so being tired wasn't an excuse!
Harmonie his marriage was when he was very young and he left her and their 2 year old daughter 18 months after the wedding, in the 10 years that followed only had one 3 year relationship (she left him) then nothing serious until me, mostly just seeing much younger women. Not painting a great picture am I!

Yes. I know the rejection is hard.
I tried lots of things. Getting rid of dcs for the night. Making a romantic dinner. Dressing up nice. But he new what I expected so the he said he new the pressure was on for him to perform so it was a big turn of for him.
I think talking about it is the best option.
Won't change anything overnight. But if you really think the relationship is worth saving you gotta put the work In.
Like pp said everyone thinks men are all sex machines and want it all the time.
It's just not true. They also have body hang ups and emotional issues. If anything it's worse for men. The pressure to "perform" to be a "proper man" to look good naked. And making sure you enjoy it.
Does he no how much you enjoy the sex you do have?

He's controlling how much intimacy you get. Is he controlling in any other aspects? He might be on a power trip.
I'm sorry that my money's on him using you as a housekeeper and a nanny to his daughter while he is having other relationships. Regardless, I would cut my losses now. Your self-esteem is taking a hit with every daily rejection.

After being with my partner for 15, 4 years seems like a really short space of time to get to know someone and then live with them.
Maybe you're not compatible, maybe he's just not good at relationships.

Have you sat with him and really talked properly about what you want in life?.

Although I think that relationships are more then just sex, I do think that at your age it's very important, if that's what you want.
After your last marriage breaking down because of an affair, I think you need to feel sexy and wanted and he's clearly not making you feel good is he.

What I am reading in your posts is you are quick to blame yourself, you are tying yourself in knots wondering what the problem is and how to make it better and you have poor boundaries (from your moving day example).
Is your partner doing the same? I doubt it. Does he care that you do not feel you getting enough affection? Does he want to spend time with you?
His unwillingness to connect with his emotions would worry me. Sometimes people just don't have many emotions to connect with but they are able to fake it really convincingly to blend in with genuine people.

He's avoiding intimacy and suspect it's a pattern in relationships.
Does he show vulnerability, admit his mistakes and discuss how he feels?

The way he rejects you is harsh.I suspect it's a control issue, maybe even subconsciously, the more you go towards him (as is natural) the more he will pull away.

It's deeply frustrating being in this type of relationship as it's constant disappointment for seemingly no valid reason.I doubt he will change significantly.

Does he have passive-aggressive personality traits? I wonder if he is "punishing" you through withdrawal of sex?

No matter what, if he isn't willing to discuss this, compromise or find a way forward, then you have far bigger issues than sex itself.

Having read lots of threads on the same subject, then consensus seems to be that it doesn't get better.

Could he be inclined towards being A-sexual and this just isn't important to him?

He sounds like he'd be just as a happy in a good flat share?

RandomMess I have often thought the same, either that or he is gay....until he met me there was always a joke in his group of friends that he was.

Some of these responses are quite bizzare!
You never said op? Is he under any stress? Meds? Depression?
Has he put on/lossed any weight recently?
Do you think because of your high sex drive he feels inadequate?

With my dp I had to really make the effort. It wasn't that he didn't want to have sex. He just felt an enormous amount of pressure to please me. It's a very hard knock for a man to realise his partner is more sexually adventurous than he is. After all it is a man's job to be more sexually dominating.
With my dp. Every time I tried to make an effort he would get himself in to a panic! Like "oh shit she's moving in for a cuddle. That's it she wants sex. What do I do?"
So I just started to be more romantic and affectionate without being sexual iyswim?
Moving in for a cuddle at night but just falling asleep with him
Getting rid of dcs for the night. Cooking a romantic meal. Then putting my fluffy pjs on and snuggling with a film.
He started to relax a lot more and stopped shitting himself everytime we was alone or I touched him in bed.
Sex just started to come naturally again and he was actually him who started to instergate it. Our "dry spell lasted about a year. It was awkward. Caused arguments. Made me feel ugly and rejected and unloved. But made him feel. Unmanley, inadiquate, self conscious, embarrassed and stressed.

Also if it makes any difference my dp was sexually abused as a child.

I don't know Ascot it just sounds like moving in together made it all official, he's got the family life box ticked so he doesn't need to bother with the sex anymore...

I get fed up of the lack of sex in my marriage - compared to how it was but after 17 years and 3 DC together I'm a lot more invested and I accept it is partly down to his health issues. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't be accepting companionship as being as "good as it gets" at 39, 59 perhaps...