Domestic Violence advice

[Lucky9]

I need some advice please. My H has been violent to me irregularly about 10 or 12 incidents. I managed to drive the message home to him finally and the violence has stopped since about a year. There's still anger and aggression in him and I don't trust him. I started a process to end the relationship and make a new start. I needed to attend to other areas of my life first, support groups, making more friends, researching what my options are financially, jobwise, and lots of other things. He has always refused counselling, mediation or even reading relationship books. The status between us is mostly friendly, businesslike with coldness and distance regarding physical things, there is no sex now, but he seems to live in hope and irregularly tries for physical contact. He doesn't understand healing process and thinks its revenge when I resist. I'm in the process of trying to get back to work and get my independence back. My self esteem has been very low but I'm feeling better than I have in ages because of all of my behind the scenes planning.

My problem is this: I can't say to him that I'm going yet until I have pressed all the right buttons in the right sequence. Otherwise without going into too much detail, it will be harder for me. We have a young son. In the meantime, he is naive enough to think that he can just pull me over for a cuddle or try to kiss me or whatever, and all my anger resentment and pain will just melt and we will live happily ever after. He just tried this, I turned my cheek and he left the house angrily. Now he will come home later, drink and probably argue about how I'm bearing grudges. I feel that he has never understood what violence has done to me, my spirit or self esteem and how many areas of my life have been affected, feeling worthless, lacking the confidence to go back to work earlier, etc. He usually shouts me down in arguments so DV and the effects are not understood by him and obviously not explored in counselling which could have saved things much earlier possibly. A few days ago, he was smashing chairs around, rushing at me threateningly and acting dangerous. I told him he was scaring me and he said I was being dramatic. This illustrates how unbelievely unaware he is about his actions and effects. By never allowing me to express, in counselling for example, my pain and my voice is unknown to him. What can I say to him to keep him calm and at a distance until I can go? How can I express to him that this recent scary incident means I don't want to just kiss like there is no problem and make up and everything is OK just like that and its not revenge its lack of healing. I know there are women who come here who have exp DV too. Please advise. Dont worry, I'm not in danger, just in dilemma and in a kind of waiting game. Thanks everyone in advance.

I'm sorry, I have no concrete suggestions but I just wanted to send you my best wishes at this difficult time.

I know where you are coming from. Some men are deeply unaware of who they are/what they have become/and the effects on everyone around them.
I don't know what advice to offer as I am in a similar boat (without the violence- but think potential could be there)
I think you are doing the right things- get yourself sorted and in a strong position to flee or get him out of the door as soon as is necessary. Build up a strong support team around you - for when push comes to shove you will need all the help you can.
Unfortunately you can't help someone who will not be helped. I am still hoping my dh will accept help.. but if not I will do like you- get the strength together and sort my and my kids lives out without him
Wishing you all the best.

I have experience but without the young child - I tried to plan leaving but as it closere things got worse - you can not out yourself in a dangerous position - can you bring forward you plans to leave- if that is not an option than hang in there my xh never understood what he had done to me he cried when I found the strength to move on something I did not expect but it empowered me. I used to fob him off with headaches pretending to ba asleep bad period I never found a way to express how he made me feel but merely dodged situations until teh time was rightish then went with no looking back in to a bright future that was 11 years ago now and I hav eofund peace a new wondrful dh who knows all about it all and my dd have faith in yourself hugs

im sorry you're having to go through lucky9. have you explained to him why you move away from him? my exp use to think i was being a dramaqueen but like you say they dont answer the effects of things. i think men (or from what ive seen/experienced) want to have control, and feel intimidated if they dont, and dont like to accept things like counselling as it lessens their status as a "man". Can I ask why was he being so aggressive a few days ago?

Lots of hugs lucky9. Obviously, without knowing all the details I don't know why you feel you have to stay but I was in a very similar situation a while ago and felt I couldn't leave. But no-one should have to be scared of the person who's supposed to love them and the only answer, if the person won't change, is to get out of there.

I know you've said you're in no danger but if he can't control himself, then how do you know what could happen? I'm not trying to scare you, but you shouldn't have to stay in a situation where you're not safe.

And I haven't heard of a reason yet thats good enough to justify someone staying in a violent relationship. Sorry if this sounds harsh, I am on your side but I spent 4 years in a violent marriage and should have got out long before I did and it was only MN'ers talking straight to me and telling me that I shouldn't be putting up with it that made me feel like I was 'allowed' to leave.

Hi Lucky9, sorry to hear about your situation.

There is an archived link with lots of useful numbers.
You're right and brave to want to go out of this relationship. Good luck and keep posting, you've got friends here.

You are all lovely - thanks for the support. Tammybear, you asked what led to the aggression a few days ago. He had picked a row with me outdoors in a public place about our sex life. I don't think we were overheard but we were possibly observed because his body language and facial expressions were obvious. That evening at home, I told him I don't want him to make scenes in public. This sparked our usual row, with our usual script. Not long after he lost his temper because he thought I was said something inaccurate about him being violent. He has never understood that violence doesn't just mean hurting someone physically. This is often a regular problem - he hears me say something that he thinks is a lie and starts talking over/shouting over me without listening so his view never changes.

Lucky9, I don't know if what I am going to say may be of any help but hope it does. I have had several problems with DH for some years, and every time we spoke he always told me that it was nt that bad, that I was overreacting or just blame for mutual problems. I think he didn't realised that everytime I spoke I was actually giving him hints that I might be leaving, actually one day I told him that we should take some time off (difficult to translate here) but I was saying I wanted a separation and it really shocked me to realise he was thinking I was asking for some holidays together!!! when I told him that I was planning to leave it finally sink in and he agreed to go to counseling. And now we are on that, it continues to shock me how different men perceive the things. If it is not a risk for you, could you have a very serious chat and tell him you plan to leave, of course, only if you think there's hope for the marriage, if you think that you have had enough, I think you are doing great, you should go when it suits YOU better and if you can use your current situation as a trampoline to a better future, use it.

men usually perceive things to be different to how they're meant. in fact last night dp took something i said completely the wrong way and thought i was really angry with him. i think men in general try to intimidate women (not always intentionally) as they prefer to have control, than to be told what to do. i find that they dont like to accept help, and usually the only time they will is when things are dramatically changing, like chandra said, when there is a threat of you leaving. but this doesnt always work unless you actually leave and they realise that "you dont know what you've got, until its gone". is there anywhere you can go with the kids for a few days or something and anyone near you that can support you like family?

Lots of hugs to you all. Just a positive update. Despite my fears, my H came home last evening in a good mood and the evening was calm. Mammya - thanks for those links. Chandra and Tammybear: I think his pride and conditioning is so deep, but I suppose it is possible that he may realise what he as lost after it has gone, anything is possible. But without professional help, I don't think he will ever know how minimised my voice and my rights were in our marriage. He sometimes agrees to see a counsellor, but changes his mind the next day or puts all kinds of conditions on it, so I don't really believe him. The main condition is that the Cllr is from the same culture as him - i.e. he thinks he can get a Cllr on his side echo-ing his values and tut-tutting me for not being servile and self sacrificing and fitting the stereotypes he understands. I once managed to get a counsellor from his country, but he turned me down because it was the wrong REGION! He did ask me today to organise a Cllr and I will on Monday, but he likely to throw a spanner in the works. I will be happy with counselling just to be heard for once. He has potential for change, I see the potential sometimes but I don't think I can wait for it much longer. TB: No, unfortunately, there is nowhere I can stay with family or friends. Chandra: Telling him of my plans to leave wouldn't work - he would let me leave thinking that absence would make my heart grow fonder.

im glad to hear he seems better and that hes willing to see a counsellor. if he does change his mind, try and change it back as it is in his best interest. good luck with it, and i hope it goes well for you. xxx

Please ring women's aid, they are very helpful and helped me sort my head out. I know how hard it is. I didn't feel like I was in danger either even though friends begged me to leave him. I think that is a kind of coping mechanism. He raped me and I was in deep shock for about three weeks but didn't realise it at the time. Please
be careful, he sounds dangerous to me.

I really think you are in a dangerous relationship. He has physically harmed you before and every single indication is that he will do it again. I think you need to get legal advice and ideally he should leave your home. Please talk to a solicitor who is experienced in family law and ideally in cases where domestic violence is an issue. You have the right to live without fear.It is also, IMO, unsafe physically and psychologically for young children to be in homes where there is violence. As for the 'process' I honestly think you will find it MUCH easier to make new friends and sort out your financial status if you get rid of this awful man and start your new life sooner rather than later. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve better.

Perhaps it would be helpful to look for a women's aid group aimed at women from his country? They might have a better idea of tactics that would work with him. I don't know about where you are, but I know that here in California there are half-a-dozen women's aid groups that specialize in particular languages/ethnic groups.