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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should i leave after 7years

23 replies

user1495225265 · 19/05/2017 21:30

I have been with my OH for 7 years and we have 3 children together. For the past year things haven't been great my OH is so lazy and expects me to run around for him and like a fool i do it. During my pregnancy last year i was off work with pelvic grindle pain and high blood pressure the doctor told me to rest but instead i was up early to do the school runs whilst my OH stayed in bed, then i would do all the housework and laundry, go and pick the kids up from school , dinner, bedtime routine then clean up again, I was off work since I was 18 weeks pregnant and in that time my partner done one morning school run because I had a midwife appt. My baby is 4 months old now and still to this day he has only done that one morning school run. The day after I got out the hospital I was back to doing the school run and everything else. My partner moans if he hasn't got any clean clothes or if he can't find a pair of socks and expects me to go find them for him ( i'm terrible with my iron basket ). The past 4 months my partner has went out drinking with friends which I don't have a problem with I quite enjoy the tv to myself instead of PS4 games but when I've had a night out arranged with friends I can't go my Oh moans at me and makes me feel guilty about going out to have time to myself. I have arranged 4 nights out and I have only went on 1 of them because I got babysitters for my kids. My OH doesn't work and I'm due back to work in a couple of months and would love to stay home with the kids and spend the first few years of my babies life with him but my OH will not look for a job so I am forced back to work and it breaks my heart thinking about leaving my baby. I feel like a prisoner in my own home I don't know what to do I have told him to leave before but he refuses and I don't want to leave my house. Please give me some advice please.

OP posts:

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 19/05/2017 21:35

You'd be making an enormous mistake to put up with this shite for a moment longer.

Useless fucking cocklodger. Why the hell isn't he working?

outabout · 19/05/2017 21:39

Definite LTB material! Follow the MN mantra he is a .
If the punchline was he worked 12 hours a day 5 days a week then some of it might be excusable (a bit).

Cricrichan · 19/05/2017 21:39

Bloody useless wanker. Ditch him.

Badliar · 19/05/2017 21:42

Vile, lazy and selfish.

ChelseaGreyxx1 · 19/05/2017 21:44

After he SIA badge expired he never renewed it due to money problems. He did work 2 years ago for a couple of months but he lost his job. He tells me he is looking for work but I know hes not hes either on playstation or facebook.

He refuses to leave when I tell him to go, i don't know what to do.

he put the nail in the coffin last night, he was wanting sex but I gave myself a chemical burn by using veet down there and cause I was in pain he started moaning and went in a huff saying i'm acting weird ( he knew about the burn ), this happens everytime if he doesn't get his own way.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 19/05/2017 21:56

Do you own or rent, and who's name is the house in? Are you married?

ChelseaGreyxx1 · 19/05/2017 22:01

We rent our house and its a joint tenant. We are not married. It would be easier for him to leave, if I was to leave I would have to start from scratch with 3 kids and that thought makes me scared I won't have nothing for another house apart from kids bed and clothes

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 19/05/2017 22:09

Why would you be left with nothing? I'm guessing most of the stuff in the house has been paid for by you.

Don't let being scared stop you. I was really really scared and it took me a long time to get the guts to properly end it. I'm lucky in that he agreed to go, but we didn't rent.

How long left on your tenancy?

ChelseaGreyxx1 · 19/05/2017 22:19

Yeah I've bought majority of the stuff in the house but he would put up a fight if I was to take everything probably wouldn't be worth the hassle. I'm not in a private let it's a housing association/council house. It's taken the first step that scares me I'm not scared of being a single mum to 3 as I look after them myself 9 times out of 10. His mum and dad are going through a rough patch and she said to me if you are ever unhappy or miserable leave don't make the same mistake I did, and for her to say that to me was an eye opener I don't want to end up so unhappy in my 60s just like her. I don't even have a bank account my wages go into his bank so I would need to sort all that too

SandyY2K · 19/05/2017 22:29

Why do you actually stay with him?

He's lazy, he doesn't work, he can't even look after you and see that you get rest while having a difficult pregnancy.

He's worse than useless. Stop running round after him... My word. He's as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Get tough and stop enabling him.

weatherbomb · 19/05/2017 22:40

Sorry you're in this situation OP. Things to do asap - Open a bank account for yourself, make sure your wages go in there. Make sure all the child benefit and any tax credits go to your account. He can go get himself a job and pay his way.
Contact women's aid as they can advise you on how you can get the tenancy in your name.
The cockloger needs to go - sounds like his mum sees how useless he is.
It's really hard when they are refusing to leave. For you

thethoughtfox · 19/05/2017 22:55

This is bad. This broke my heart when you were medically advised to rest due to a condition caused by being pregnant with his child but you couldn't rest because he refused to look after you (and by extension his baby) , his children or his home.

tararabumdeay · 19/05/2017 23:32

Passenger and sperm donor. You worship him? I blame his mum for the fucking little prince.

I did this for years. He was down the pub spending all of his wages; we were on and off the dole when the DCs were little; he pursued his hobbies and crazy ideas.

I allowed him! I wanted and needed him.

Now I don't care. Yes, there is have a human connection but it's easier not to care. Basically there's no love. We sleep in separate bedrooms and I have to pay bedroom tax. This galls me when I realise I should have bought a house 25 years ago.

The basic housework doesn't get done; the garden is a mess; the fridge is full of obscure food because he wanders around with nothing to do all the time.

I'm too busy at work to challenge the situation.

He's the father of my sons. He's left me to live with his mates twice or three times because I asked him for something.

He doesn't give a flying fuck so why should I?

I call him a useless job shy scrounging waster if anyone asks and there's no way in the world I'll ever shag him again.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 19/05/2017 23:48

You must open a bank account and get your pay into that,child benefit and any tax credits.Talk the council about changing the tenancy.Do not fund his hobbies,computer and nights out unless he pulls his weight in the house or gets a job.
Have you RL friends to help you see this through because you really deserve a better life than this with your kids.

MamaOfBabas · 20/05/2017 01:16

Chelsea I've gone through something similar. Ex was a lazy idle idiot who didn't work too. Money paid into a joint account. I ended it. Took charge of my own life... Went and opened my own bank account and had child tax creds etc paid into it. I feel for you with him refusing to go... My ex has. Living seperate lives til he eventually finds somewhere. I'd have left with the children but legally no option but to stay put for the time being. You deserve so much more than this waste of space. Please please leave him.

user1493630944 · 20/05/2017 01:37

Just stop doing anything for him and tell him that is how it will be until he contributes properly as a parent and partner, and spell out what this means in practice. I'm a bit mystified though by why you have just done everything and let him off the hook as it were.

anon1987 · 20/05/2017 01:47

Oh my, my blood boils for you

Don't bother with this man boy you need to LTB asap!
He doesn't work, he doesn't care for his children, he goes out with his mates and if he's not out with his mates he's sat there playing computer games..how old is he?
What in gods name do you even see in this boy? Why on earth did you have 3 children in 7 years with a man who cannot provide for his children??

He's of absolutely no use to any of you, you need to tell him to pack his bags. He's a bad influence on your children as well, it will only end in misery.

ChelseaGreyxx1 · 20/05/2017 11:16

I have applied online for a bank account so documents should be sent out in the next 5 days. I lost a lot of friends when I was pregnant with my oldest I have 2 friends one of them has just had a baby so is stressed and tired and the other is planning a wedding, I am bridesmaid at her wedding we have been friends since we were babies she's knows everything and she's here for me whenever I need her, but I'm so scared I will lose her too as I've cancelled so many lunches and drinks because " I wasn't allowed to go "

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 20/05/2017 11:28

One of the many brilliant things that happened after I left my abusive ex was that I was able to get back in touch with eh many old friends. It's been wonderful to be able to catch up, and almost all of them have been incredible

CandleLit · 20/05/2017 11:31

Start reaching out to those friends you think you've lost. You never know, they might be back in a heartbeat if they heard what's really going on. Sometimes getting angry can help spur you into firm resolve and action. Get really fucking angry that this grown man has treated you so appallingly that his own mother has told you to walk away. Channel that fire into getting out of there.

Stuff you own that you think he'll kick up a fuss about? Sell it an have the money go into your new account. Don't bother telling him till it's done.

You say taking the first step scares you. Setting up the bank account was the first step and you did it. Text each next step one at a time. You can do it. Many others have. It won't be easy but won't be insurmountable either. Keep going.

CandleLit · 20/05/2017 11:32

*take

Huskylover1 · 20/05/2017 11:45

I mean this nicely, but you are going to have to stop being a door mat. You are enabling him. I mean, FFS, why is your salary going in to his account? How are you getting a salary, if you aren't working?

Has he ever hit you? If he has, I'd be using that as a way to get rid of him. Police & restraining order. But you don't mention this, so I'm guessing not.

A quick Google search shows that you can take legal action to remove a Partner that refuses to leave. I would seek advice asap.

Take his name off the house. Get all the money in to your new account.

He sounds vile. You deserve way much more.

broodynmoody · 20/05/2017 11:52

Grow a pair and leave or kick the c**t out.
What a waste of space this man is.
You'd be missing absolutely nothing because as you say, your like a single parent anyway.
If he refuses to leave, then id start putting your name down as on a council house or private rent. As a single, working mum of 3, youd be entitled to working tax and part of your housing/rent paid for.

Start putting things into motion and leabe this vile, lazy man who doesnt deserve you! My mate did and now her and her 2 kids are happy and now shes met someone else!

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