I can't be bothered

[Disappointednomore]

XH has moved 400 miles away. Is seeing DD less and less and now it's just the school holidays. I keep saying to him it's not enough and that he should find a way to see her at least once a month, but he gives excuses and clearly isn't bothered. He's now saying that he'd like her to do flights alone accompanied by an air steward/ess. Now, his drive to the airport to collect her would be 10 minutes. The departure airport is 60/90 minutes drive or train. I asked him who would be doing the 2 x 2 hour round trips to facilitate this and he replied that this should be taken in the context of more frequent contact (because that's what I have been pressing him for). Now, initially when he left I was rabid (internally) at the thought that he had awarded himself a child-free life but now I've got used to it and just kind of think of her time with him as "respite care" for me. He has always loved to get a rise out of me so since he left I am very careful to not give him satisfaction in this regard. So far I have not responded since he replied to my question. One response I'm considering is "nah can't be bothered" - mainly because it will really shock him because he knows it really hurts me how little he's seeing her and so far I've facilitated his contact to my own detriment (I go out of my way, he is still rude and surly) and it's all on his terms. I'm working and running the home and bringing her up alone and it seems like a cheek to impose this on me. Can I ask you what you think?

'This sounds like a possibility for when she's older, at 7 she is obviously too young to fly alone.

Although it would be an inconvenience and cost for me to get her to and from airport regularly, but I will do what I can and what is reasonable possible to facilitate this, if it is what DD wants when she is old enough.'

Meant to say text something like that ^^

Nothotdogmum yes he very much has everyone jumping through hoops. So far he's had his sister, his parents and OW's daughter picking up and collecting (he booked a return train ticket for a day when I was out of the country once and had his parents travel down to meet her, I had to arrange keys and they had to stay at my house with all the bed changing and organisation that takes - rather than just re-book the tickets). Thanks for the text suggestion also. A reasonable rinse and repeat approach.

My XH left when DD was 13, to take a job 200 miles away in an area of the UK notorious for its lack of dual carriageways, let alone motorways, and with poor rail links. After I had spelled out in words of one syllable that he couldn't control me any more, he got back at me by refusing to make any effort to see DD. He knew that was the only way left to hurt me. I even offered to move out of the former marital home once a month so that he could stay there to visit DD, but he never took me up on it.

I think that Trollspoop, AhYerWill and NotHotDogMum have summed this situation up beautifully. If you suggest to your XH that he should fly down to collect DD, as is entirely reasonable given that she is only 7, then you will find out how serious he is about increasing contact.

BTW, DD is 18 now and has a very poor opinion of her father without me saying a word.

Flying alone at 7 years old? What a twat. No way would I allow that.

If he hasn't bothered on his own initiative, why are you forcing the issue? It sounds like you want her out of the way for a bit and her dad can't be bothered.
I feel sorry for the poor little soul. She will sense how you both feel.
Why don't you forget about him. Go NC. Wait for him to really want contact. And concentrate on making your little girls life full of fun, attention and happy times.
They are little for such a short while. It's a privilege to have a child. Make the most of her. Bring your extended family in to her life. She won't miss a father like him.
And get your own priorities right.

Ooh, a mawkish moral lecture on a mummy's responsibilities. That's us told

I was coming back to say something like NotHotDog

"That will be great when she's older and after you've done a few return flights with her so she has the confidence to do it"

I would stop hassling him to increase contact, encourage Skype, encourage a relationship with his parents/family and let her have Disney Dad weeks with him in the school hols. He's a waste of space as a Dad isn't it

From BA's website:

Children under 12 years of age cannot travel alone on British Airways flights. They must be accompanied by an adult aged 16 or over.

www.britishairways.com/en-gb/information/travel-assistance/children-travelling-alone

when he left I was rabid (internally) at the thought that he had awarded himself a child-free life

You think it's ok to feel like that about your daughter, do you Lineysrun? I can't feel sorry for her. I think her thread title says it all.
I've just come from seeing a friend who has just got a BFN from her 7th attempt at IVF. She would sell her soul for a child to love so don't tell me about being mawkish.
There is not necessarily an endorsement for every woman on MN. I can't see why this one deserves sympathy at all.

I'm sorry for your situation, whatalready, but competitive despair does not help the OP with her and her dd's situation.

It is not the op who needs to be berated for not running backwards and forwards at great expense to make sure her DD and ex have a continuing relationship. Nor does she need to be berated for wishing her DD had the opportunity to spend time with her own flesh and blood. Her own father. If anyone does need a flea in their ear, it's the feckless, controlling father.

And while we are here, there are plenty of parents who have had their children by ivf, often after a lot of failures. The vast majority of those children will spend time staying with other relatives during their first 18 years. Many of those relationships will subsequently break down, meaning that the child is likely to be dividing their time between two parents' households and, yes, apart from their mother.

Whatalready I love my daughter dearly and want what's best for her. I grew up without a father and want more for her - a close loving relationship with a second parent who will put her first and support her. And yes, just occasionally I would like a break if that's alright with you.

Of course it's all right OP

Just ignore Whatalready. Everyone else has understood your POV.

Absolutely, OP

Thanks. FWIW and I'm sure you can imagine that I do not share any of this with DD - she is happy and blithely oblivious - just misses her dad. I work extremely hard for her and know that I am the lucky one to have her in my life.

Don't say/write anything which your expectations could use against you.

A response which is clearly intended to appear flippant will give away that he's got under your skin anyway.

I would probably respond in a very neutral tune stating that she is too young to travel alone on a plane. However, you will happily make sure that she is available for contact on any weekend that he would like to come and collect her,

Oh FFS autocorrect!

• Ex
• tone

www.opodo.co.uk/blog/unaccompanied-minors-rules-by-airline/

If a child is under 12, they are not allowed to fly alone. Does he know this?

It's worth putting together a detailed email stating that you are pleased he is now willing to take responsibility for contact. Then send him all the links about unaccompanied minors plus a list of airlines that fly between and their costs. I would also put down rail fares. Put all the legwork on him. Don't try to force contact. He'll only use it to control and punish you. Breezy emails giving potential dates and information above. Plan great stuff for 3 weekends a month and do not change your plans to facilitate him. He will only become more of an asshole.

And, please start a detailed diary of all contact listing who suggested dates, who did legwork organising and who paid for it. That way if he chooses to be an even bigger dick and tries to take you to court, you'll have detailed evidence of his utter uselessness as a child.

Just wanted to add my support OP - I've spent all week with my 2 year old son whom I love more than life itself, yet am at the end of my tether and desperate for tomorrow when I'll go back to work for a break. Take no notice of Whatalready. Parenting is hard, and parenting alone must be exhausting. There's nothing wrong with wanting a break now and then.

My 7yo wouldn't be going anywhere alone. No way.

Do you have any family near who could perhaps take her on a fri or sat night once a month?