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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Little or no contact for days at a time..WWYD?

51 replies

MayJuneJuly · 19/05/2017 16:09

I've been with DP for 8 months.

We see each other once a week when he stays at mine. We both have kids. This suits me for the most part. He could stay more but doesn't want to travel to work which is fair enough.

I know that at the start of a relationship it's common to text loads and for that to tail off but this last month or so he has been reading my messages pretty much straight away but not replying. And then goes one or two days before texting me back.

He will then eventually text me some random update about his day and make no mention of the fact he's ignored me and several messages over the last 2 days.

When we do talk he seems very committed to us but this is starting to upset me. I hate wondering when/if he will text me back. I don't feel important to him at all when he can't even take 30 seconds to reply to me. He works a standard 9-5 job and is in the house pretty much every evening so I know it's not a case of being rushed off his feet.

I want to raise this with him but I don't know how to start. He has 'praised' me for not being needy and for allowing us to have our own lives but I don't think expecting contact every day with someone you love is going against these things is it?

OP posts:
Plumkettle · 19/05/2017 21:16

have you told him it bothers you?

Plumkettle · 19/05/2017 21:20

Sorry, just reread your op.

I would start by not replying to his texts.

Then next time you see him, you could say that you'd love to start talking on the phone more.

His response will tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
MayJuneJuly · 19/05/2017 21:30

I'm going to talk to him when I see him next but in the meantime I'm not going to message until he replies. I don't want to get into a tit-for-tat thing but I'm not begging for attention.

OP posts:
Plumkettle · 19/05/2017 21:35

Quite right OP.

I read his not replying as purposefully slowing the relationship down.

If he wants it to pick up pace then he knows what to do.

Don't put yourself in the position of being the one doing all the work to keep the relationship on track.

Instead put yourself in the position of being able to walk away if he doesn't step up. Remember YOU are the prize.

Original poster
MayJuneJuly · 19/05/2017 21:40

Thanks Everyone for letting me get it all out. I was thinking I was overreacting but it's good to hear other people see it as unreasonable.

OP posts:
Phoebefromfriends · 19/05/2017 21:42

It's definitely not overreacting, you are a person that he should care about the other 6 days of the week. Good luck OP

Whack · 19/05/2017 21:53

You're definitely not over reacting he's being very rude and of course that behaviour coupled with the lovey dovey language when you're together is just a total confusing mess. It's not nice for you and I can see why you're upset. I would do what others have advised and cut all contact until he contacts you. If he never does you know where you stand, don't chase him.

I suspect he is seeing someone else.

GoatLePew · 19/05/2017 22:15

You're definitely not over-reacting.
Good luck Flowers

Giraffey1 · 19/05/2017 22:25

It really doesn't sound like he is that interested, just wants the sex when it suits him and the rest of the time it's all on his terms. Suits him but it it isn't my idea of an equal relationship. He certainly isn't your DP!

DerelictWreck · 19/05/2017 22:35

I don't think the actions are necessarily bad - I only see my boyfriend once a week when he comes over to mine usually as we are both busy with jobs and social lives.

It can also take me days to text him back as I get distracted - doesn't mean I'm trying to bin him off!

unapaloma · 19/05/2017 22:35

You def need to talk to him. I knew a woman who went upto 2 weeks without contact with her boyfriend and was quite happy like that (and they did eventually move in together, and seemed happy!). I think most women want a bit more, but he doesn't know he's annoying you without a conversation.

SandyY2K · 19/05/2017 22:38

It could be that he's not great at communicating in between visits and this reduced level of contact is enough for him.

I also noted how he said he liked you not being 'needy', which kind of means, he likes it this way.

OverOn · 19/05/2017 22:51

The thing with him saying he likes you not being 'needy' means he's likely to have done this before to someone else. Who has wanted more contact and therefore been 'needy' in his eyes. It just seems a bit like he's primed you to not bring up the level of contact, because you'd be coming across as needy to him.

I want my partner to be happy to hear from me and to want to know how my day has been, and to want to actually talk to me. It sounds like he's giving you the slow brush off without being explicit about it, especially if you started off with lots of texting and that was your norm.

Blushingm · 19/05/2017 23:30

Me and my friend with benefits type thing text all day every day and have for years now - it would bug me if someone read my message but didn't reply for days - I'd wonder what million other things were more important than spending 30 seconds replying

Stewart2017 · 20/05/2017 17:11

Does it show on your phone that he has read your text messages?
Maybe he not holding phone all evening?
I'd agree going days before replying is odd though

Original poster
MayJuneJuly · 20/05/2017 17:20

I did bring it up this morning and I'm not really convinced by his reply to be honest.

He apologised and said it was "a bit rude" plus gave a few reasons behind it. Mainly that he is tired after work and has had his son an extra day this week and working and doing childcare is so hard.... (try doing it full time with no help whatsoever...)

I still maintained if he had the time to open and read a message he had the time to reply. I've told him that I don't want to be his entertainment to be picked up when it suits him.

He has said I'm deserving of more but made no promises that he will text more. Just said that we will settle into this new routine eventually. He sad the dynamic of us has changed since we aren't physically seeing each other as much but in my mind that's even more of a reason to make contact a priority.

It was all a bit minimising with a touch of defensiveness around it but I know I've been right to raise it and my feelings are valid.

I guess we will see where it goes.

OP posts:
HurricaneHalle · 20/05/2017 17:45

Is that it's him being f rude or he feels you mentioning it is rude?

Personally I would move on. Sounds as though he is happy with his weekly shag without any of the relationship.

Original poster
MayJuneJuly · 20/05/2017 19:04

He said it was a bit rude that he ignored me for days at a time...

I think he's thought it through a bit because he's just messaged saying he feels really bad and is sorry he made me feel bad. Not sure how to take it but this is the only time I will have an issue with this. If we carry on and it slips to this again that will be it.

OP posts:
Beelzebop · 20/05/2017 19:38

Are you going to say you want to see him more, or just accept his I apology?

HurricaneHalle · 20/05/2017 22:16

I suspect he will slip back to being extremely casual at some point soon.

Original poster
MayJuneJuly · 21/05/2017 09:22

i have said I want more in terms of communication and actual visits. if it all slips back then it will be over. i am happy to try again but I won't rehash the same problem again and again really.

We will see.

OP posts:
0dfod · 21/05/2017 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bobbins43 · 21/05/2017 09:46

I really hate that "I'm sorry I've made you feel that way" bollocks. It's such a non apology for the actual behaviour.

OP, my partner and I live about 100 miles away from each other and see each other in person about once a month. We text all day every day, and we speak in the mornings and evenings and we sometimes end up chatting on Twitter too.

If he wanted to chat to you, he would. If he wanted to reply, he would. After being fucked around a few times, I can promise you it really is that simple.

I hope it all picks up, but if not, move on. You deserve better than that.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 21/05/2017 12:11

It sounds as though he likes you enough to visit for a shag once a week but isn't enthusiastic enough to spur him into keeping in touch well when you're apart. I find it hard to believe that he's keen when he won't reply to your texts for days. That's BS, actions speak louder than words. If he was into you surely he'd be really happy to have heard from you and be eager to chat?!

I still maintained if he had the time to open and read a message he had the time to reply
Not necessarily. There will be times when you can quickly open a text but it's not convenient to reply right then. But, if he has time to be on Facebook he definitely has time to get in touch with you.

He has said I'm deserving of more but made no promises that he will text more
Sounds like a total cop out from him, and yes you do deserve more. I think as PPs have said, him saying he's glad you're not "needy" is saying "don't demand anything from me because I don't want to give much".

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 21/05/2017 12:24

And meant to say, whenever any of my exes said I deserved more when I complained about their flaky behaviour they never gave more. They recognised they were a bit shit but didn't care about me enough to risk losing me over it.

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