Been dicked around. Again.

[QueenMortificado]

I was in a relationship for about 5 years which ended mid last year. It was a really hard break up but I wanted to get married and have children and he didn't, so we went our seperate ways. I am so glad to have been strong and not settled for something that wouldn't have worked out long term but it took me a fucking long time to get over it.

A few months ago I met someone from work in an overseas office. We spent a few days together and really like each other, then we spent weeks chatting back and forth and decided we were going to try and work out giving it a go. Because of my previous relationship I was open about what I wanted going forward, and he has a young son from a previous relationship and so was honest about what he wanted too (more children etc). I felt like it was a really positive conversation to both be up front about what we wanted longer term (not necessarily with each other, just life goals) so we were both on the same page. I went over there for a week and it was truly incredible, we had so much fun, spent the whole time having such a lovely time in each other's company. We spoke about how we could make it work longer term, how we had fallen in love with each other etc etc. All good.

When I returned home it was just as nice for a while, then the conversation starting petering out. He was really busy with work, or spending time with his son etc. Then, he called me one day and said he needed some time to work things out with work and his ex wife was moving to a different part of the country so he needed to know where so he could work out custody and seeing his son etc. I was fairly understanding and said fine, take the time, do what you need to do.

A few days later we spoke again and he said the situation was the same but how much he missed me etc. Fast forward one week and I haven't heard a bean. He hasn't even been on whatsapp to pick up the one message I've sent him.

I can only assume that he made grand plans and gestures that he felt, but when other life stress came on he realised that this long distance thing was one thing too many. I reckon that as time went on it became more difficult to talk to me and to end it so he's taken the cowards way out of ghosting me.

Note - I have no reason at all to think he is secretly married or anything like that.

I just don't know what to do. It really hurts at being messed around again especially when he had said so many nice things to me and made such plans for the future. I want to send him an email that details how I feel and how he's made me feel by being ghosted, and to say that I'm better than this (paraphrasing) basically. I feel like there is no closure this way. And I want to know why this has happened.

Mostly though I'm just tired of dating. Having such a tough break up then meeting someone, falling in love with them, finding it so easy and trusting them just for them to stamp on my heart again is so hard.

Any words of wisdom or hugs please? Please go easy, I'm feeling very fragile about this just now

Hi clopy! I know exactly who you are!

He's not behaving like a nice person, that's not good enough for me. Good advice. Just hard to take isn't it when actually what to want is the other person to just worship and adore you!

It is hard to take. But even the busiest of people having shitty times can still behave kindly.

Exactly. Need to knock it on the head and move forward and forget about it.

Just knock it on the head in your head though. Don't contact him again.

Poor you. I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt - or he's just not man enough to be straight with you.
Chin up, be proud of yourself and smile!

I don't think you've given yourself enough time to process the end of your five year relationship. You're vulnerable and it's hard to meet the right person or cope with things going wrong in that state. Can you take some time out of dating and focus on yourself - go to gym, start a project etc? I know it's hard not to want to get going on the next rship esp when you want kids. But you might just need a little time out.

hard to take isn't it when actually what to want is the other person to just worship and adore you!

Totally with you. You want and deserve to be with someone who feels this way about you. And for it to be mutual.

However...

It takes proper time to get there. And personally I would be very suspicious if someone worshipped/adored me after such a short period of time. It would scream infatuation based on a fantasy rather than real, solid love.

It's possible that he was/is genuinely interested in a relationship with you but wanted to take proper time to intergrate your lives. Get to know each other as separate entities before establishing yourselves as a couple and family. And that, especially in the early stages of a relationship, often means finding out how much space you need apart as well as time together.

If he felt an pressure or expectation to move faster then he may well have thought "I really like mortificado but she seems to want to establish us as a couple faster than I do. Maybe we're not compatible". And backed off. But didn't want to end things completely so keeps the door ajar but doesn't push it wide open.

Meanwhile, you're getting increasingly upset with his inability to commit to a relationship and think he's jerking you around.

I could be totally off track here but just wanted to offer an alternative view.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to push him to the back of your mind and get on with being fabulous. Go on dates and meet up with friends. Have fun. Before you know it, you'll be over him and if he wants a second chance, well, you can cross that bridge when you get to it.