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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

5 year old DD, 35 weeks pregnant and husband says he doesnt think he is cut out to be a parent

26 replies

bigbummymummy · 19/05/2017 07:27

I am really angry. He is tired, has a bad back, works hard, often away, yesterday he came back at lunchtime having been at a works dinner the night before (he hates that sort of thing). He did not at all ask how I was, he moaned and grumbled about the house being messy (I had done the washing up, but there was stuff out on the sides and the sides and floor needed wiping). I suffer from Pelvic Girdle Pain with my pregnancy and am on crutches. I was suffering badly with my hips and asked him to take our daughter to swimming (5 mins up the rd). He sulked the whole night and didnt speak to me. I went to bed at 7pm, as I was in pain. he put my daughter to bed and as usual had prob 6 ciders or a bottle of wine plus a couple of ciders. When my daughter woke at 6.30 this morning, asking to play on her tablet, (I said no, she cant unless she is dressed for school, out usual rule, she asked for her music on her baby monitor, I said no, as there is a rule that she doesnt have that apart from bedtime so she doesnt wake asking for it in the night, as it is quite load and we wouldnty be able to sleep). she didnt complain any more than that. My DH announced that she was impossible and he is not cut out to be a parent. We are stuggling money-wise and with his back I think he is depressed but I just want him to support me. He is not awful, but he doesnt seem to care how difficult my pregnancy is, he is just focused on how hard everything is for him. He is great with my daughter. He would never go to the drs with depression, his mum was sectioned and it pretty much killed her. So what do I do, do I just put up withhim treating me badly because he is depressed and hope he feels better soon?

OP posts:

LightYears · 19/05/2017 07:33

Sorry you're having such a tough time. Could your husband get signed off sick?

Longdistance · 19/05/2017 07:35

Make a doctors appointment for the baffoon and take him there.

But late to say he isn't cut out to be a parent when he has a 5 year old, and a baby on the way.

His back isn't going to get better by being a miserable sod. Backache can make the nicest of people rotten.

Hope he gets some help soon

sleepingdragons · 19/05/2017 07:35

i don't know the answer but watching with intetest as my partner also has back pain and depression and won't speak to the doctor about depression.

PGP is no fun, it sounds like a really tough time

hellsbellsmelons · 19/05/2017 07:35

Sorry but I think your DH is an alcoholic.
The amount you mention is a lot unless on a night out.
He's also a self centred pig.
Does he have any good points?
He goes out.
Works etc....
I'm not sure it's depression.
Just sounds like an attention seeking man child.

JigglyTuff · 19/05/2017 07:35

He's a self-pitying alcoholic. I'd cut my losses if I were you. He's not going to be any help when the baby's born, that's for sure.

LightYears · 19/05/2017 07:36

Do you have any family that can help out for a while. I know you said money is tight, could you cut back some where and get a cleaner in.

Dozer · 19/05/2017 07:38

Alcohol problem.

Original poster

bigbummymummy · 19/05/2017 07:39

No his current boss knows he had quite a bit of time off when his back completly went in his last job (they both moved from the same company) . He doesnt want to risk this one by taking time off. If his back went again completly he would have to. He has had the injection in his back but this only lasts a few months and it takes about a year to organise. So he struggles on with his back, sometimes working when he can barely stand. He needs an oporation but the dr wont refer him unless he has been signed off repeatidly, but if this happens he will probably lose his job. We have just rennovated a house and are in debt. we would lose house and everything if either of us lost our jobs. I think he should get the injection again, at least it would be some relief, but he wont, as he thinks its too risky for a few months relief.

OP posts:

LedaP · 19/05/2017 07:42

If he is depresses but refuses to get help, the marriage is over.

I have depression and dont expect dh to just put up with a load of shit. I certainly dont drink to excess all the timr as i know it makes it worse.

I hardly drink and even when i do its one or two. Because i have responsibility for myself.

I also oftrn think i am not cut out to br a parent and find it hard. But tough shit. The kids are here and its my responsibility to try and be the best parent i can. And try to improve where i am not so great

Original poster

bigbummymummy · 19/05/2017 07:42

Also its not just money, he is doing well at his job, and enjoys it mostly and doesnt want to risk it. he was a mature student, and has done really well getting to a senior position within a few years of graduating

OP posts:

Aderyn2016 · 19/05/2017 07:45

I'd say the alcohol is a real problem here. Drinking 6 ciders or a bottle of wine is not normal.
I don't know how he expects you to keep a house clean while on crutches. As a stop gap, to take the pressure off, can you get a cleaner for now?
As for your h, I would start by addressing the drinking. Him staying in the home would depend on cutting right down and seeing the dr about his back and his mood. They are probably linked.
He has no right to say, at this point, that he isn't sure if he is cut out for fatherhood. Tough shit - he is a father and he'd best just get on with it. It isn't optional anymore! I wouldn't tolerate any of that shot coming from him.

Original poster

bigbummymummy · 19/05/2017 07:47

I, and he knows he drinks too much. He never ever goes out with his friends, only if there are work events, part of his job is sales, and he is expected to entertain clients at inustry conferences/events.
but yes I thnk he is being self centred, but isnt that how people with depression feel (apologies, I have no experience with it). He said he would cut down, at least to one per night so he could drive me the half hour to the hospital when baby comes. He did not.

OP posts:

nachogazpacho · 19/05/2017 07:54

Pgp is horrible and him saying this when you are so vulnerable must be very upsetting to say the least.

But he sounds like he isn't coping with his back and the other stresses you are under. He may not have great coping mechanisms as you say his mum had serious mental health issues. Therefore, he is using alcohol to self medicate.

I would talk to him honestly and say you have noticed he isn't coping well and encourage him to go to the doctor. Be frank and tell him his alcohol intake is dangerous to his health and you feel he is using it as a crutch. This is not going to be quick to fix I'm afraid. He has to learn other ways to cope with stress but only he can decide to do this. All you can do is offer advice on how he might go about it and hope he is ready to do it.

Flightywoman · 19/05/2017 07:59

So, he resented taking his daughter to an activity, punished you for it and if you went into labour he would not be sober enough to drive you to the hospital. That right there feels like a pretty good indicator to me of how he is currently viewing you and family life - you are way down the priorities. And I would be be seeing it as his wish to no longer be involved.

But 'not being cut out to be a parent' when you are already a parent is utter bollocks. Even if you did split up that wouldn't stop him being a parent, with the consequent responsibilities and duties to be so. He would still need to be involved with his children.

I'm afraid it's time for some tough conversations.

I have back pain and I have had depression, it didn't make me love my family any less and it didn't make me ill-treat them. Nor did it turn me into a dick.

Good luck, I hope he bucks up for you all.

nachogazpacho · 19/05/2017 07:59

X post.

Yes I have suffered depression and also used alcohol as a crutch. He can't cut down really until he finds another way to cope with his depression. Saying he can't cope is a big sign of depression. Also, when you're depressed you go into a sort of denial about it because you fight it and try and battle on but it wears you down in the end.

He may well have a history of depression but he fears ending up like his mum or thinks that is his fate so it's frightened of facing it. From my experience I needed therapy to talk through childhood and consequent issues to really get to the source of the issue that caused my anxiety that in turn caused my depression.

pog100 · 19/05/2017 07:59

The alcohol consumption is making his depression much worse, making him short tempered with your kid, short tempered with you and costing a fortune, about £150 pm? I would tackle that first.

NanooCov · 19/05/2017 08:00

He's an alcoholic. I have to entertain clients as part of my job. It doesn't require me to drink.

Why does he think the injection that will give him relief from his back problems is "too risky"? I understand all medical intervention has risks but if he's had it before with no ill effects I don't understand why he is now hesitating, unless he likes being a martyr to his pain?

Back pain is horrible but PGP is no picnic either. He's being a bit of a cockwomble.

I think some home truths and ultimatums are called for:

Stop drinking or move out.
Go to the doctors about back and mood or move out.
Stop being a dick or move out.

nachogazpacho · 19/05/2017 08:02

I also think he needs a second opinion on his back issue from another doctor. He should not have to be off work repeatedly before he gets the operation they know he needs. He should keep speaking to different doctors until he gets the referral to the specialist. Or consider a private appointment to get a referral?

Cinnamon2013 · 19/05/2017 08:03

Echoing other posters to say his alcohol problem needs to be addressed. It's affecting all of you and will affect your baby.

nachogazpacho · 19/05/2017 08:05

You also need a plan b for when baby comes as he is likely to be under the influence. Tell him straight you are making a plan b so he hears the impact of his actions

Carriecakes80 · 19/05/2017 08:17

I cared for my Mum with depression for years, and its bloody hard, and I am sorry, but despite all you are going through, you will have to be the tough one here, otherwise your daughter will grow up watching Daddy self medicate with booze, and seeing how unhappy he is, and thats the life lesson she will learn from him. His mum may have been sanctioned, but ask him, does he want his daughter to have the same heartache as he himself had?
You are being so wonderfully patient, because you love him, but if you continue to watch him slide down this road there won't be anything left by the time your baby is a 5 yr old. I know, I have been there.
You need to give him an ultimatum, tell him its the Doctors or you, because its not fair seeing Daddy drinking and sulking every night while Mum is in pain, you tell him if he is any kind of father he will want to sort this. If you break your leg, you go to the hospital, if you have any kind of illness, you see a Doctor, its no different with mental illness and believe me, even in the past ten years, they have come on leaps and bounds!!!
I do hate it when other folk say "Well I had depression and I didn't do such n such!" Bull, you don't know how you were perceived by others firstly, and secondly, as with any illness, you get depression on varying degrees.
He may be scared of the injection because he knows how heavily he is drinking perhaps, and doesn't want to risk mixing the two??
All I can say is, be strong, because he can't be at the moment. Depression CAN make you selfish even if you are the most unselfish person in the world, so don't give up, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and as I used to say to my mum, the tallest mountains to climb have the best view. Sending loads of love and luck to you. xxxxxxxx

Dozer · 19/05/2017 08:30

You are at high risk, as a family, of losing your home, and sadly it'd make sense to plan for and seek to avoid this, eg by selling.

This is because of his addiction, and physical and mental health problems that he's not addressing.

he could seek help for his MH and addiction, challenge his GP about a referral for his back operation, and do daily exercises and change his desk etc. If he is unwilling / unable to address these things, then sadly the relationship is over.

Is he really saying he wants to split up, you do everything, and he's barely see the DC?

MrsEvadneCake · 19/05/2017 08:33

If he isnt under a pain management team then get a referral to one.

But he can only choose to help himself. He should have physio and core strengthening to support the back but if he doesn't want to you'll get nowhere.

He's not a great Dad if he moans about taking your DD to swimming and then takes it out on you.

Emma1609 · 19/05/2017 08:59

I am 31 weeks pregnant and finally got my dh to go to the dr yesterday to seek treatment for depression, and he got prescribed anti depressants - I am so happy. Two/three weeks ago I would have said this was an impossibility (he hates going to the Dr) so don't give up hope of this happening, you have to try and make it happen. Does he admit he has depression? Try and get him to do an online depression questionnaire, there is an nhs one or one called Goldberg's depression test which i think is better. I persuaded my dh to do this after a few goes and it shocked him when it came up with moderate depression - he couldn't argue with it.
If he wont do one then you write a list of all the symptoms/ ailments which he has which are symptoms of depression- low mood, feeling hopeless, low self worth, physical pain, drinking too much, any sleeping issues, motivation, energy? Then you do the test on his behalf using the information you know about him (if he won't do one himself).
Talk to your dh and try to get him to understand that depression is more than just feeling miserable and manifests itself in lots of physical symptoms as well. This was a lightbulb moment for my dh as he has lots of physical aches and pains end generally feels like shit most of the time. I explained to him the anti depressants are not 'happy pills' as he calls them but they fix the chemical imbalance in your brain and make you feel normal again so that you are able to sort yourself out. We had a few conversations about it.
Then i left him to think about it for a bit.
I brought it up again after he had thought about it and he admitted depression and said he wanted anti depressants. I made the dr appointment for him, and write a list again of all his symptoms for him to take with him in case he forgot anything. He saw a male gp who he said didn't really seem to give a shit, and gave him a prescription! He would never in a million years have thought of himself as someone who would need antidepressants- but he is!
One of the things i said to him was that with a baby coming, I was going to be sleep deprived and moody (I'm currently strangely cheery) so it was important that the depression gets treated before I turn into a moody cow.
If none of this gentle persuasion/ manipulation works then it may be time to tell him he is a selfish prick :(

Zampa · 19/05/2017 09:09

It must be difficult, at a time when you need so much support yourself, to have to support your partner through difficult times. My guess is that if his back issues were resolved, the depression and alcohol issues would become less of an issue.

Speak to a pain management team as Cake said. Try and get him to a chiropractor/physio/osteopath. Implement an exercise routine to strengthen his back. Push and push for the operation.

How have his occupational health team at work been?

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