Time to Ditch?

[insomniMax]

I've been seeing someone for a while. He drove me home last night and at some point whilst talking animatedly took both hands off the steering wheel. I'm a nervous passenger due to PTSD after a bad crash and he knows this and has always been understanding. Anyway, I didn't like it and joked, 'both hands on the steering wheel please!' This was intended to flag up that I felt uncomfortable in a non-confrontational way (and so I didn't sound like a fruit loop by voicing the real panic in my head)

His response was to look at me, put his hands up again for longer (felt like ages but probably 3-4 seconds) and say 'don't you trust me?' Do which I, visibly panicking, said 'No! Put your hands back on the wheel!'

Then turned into a heated exchange where he was offended that I didn't 'trust' his driving and me failing to make him understand:

1. accidents are called exactly that, and not 'on purposes', because they happen regardless of whether I 'trust' the driver
2. if I fb live-d his antics or he was caught by the police with hands not on the steering wheel there would be repercussions legally
3. ptsd is, by nature, irrational. If someone has a fear of flying, 'trusting' that the pilot is excellent doesn't just make that fear go away
4. just because you think you have control of the vehicle now, does not mean you will necessarily be in control in 5 seconds time

He has apologised, but I don't think he gets it. I think he thinks I've overreacted, offended him, but he wants to spend the weekend together as we had plans. As of now I'd rather get out of those plans and have a bit of space. I'm lying awake thinking about his attitude and though I'm not angry, I'm disappointed at his lack of empathy and his apparent driving ego being dented.

Do I accept his apology and get over it, cancel the weekend and take a few days, or LTB?

Ok it's bothering me. I worked it out used a conversion website for 3 seconds at 70mph you'd have travelled nearly 94 metres or 307 ft!

Sorry crossed post with ChronicPainDaddy

Thanks ChronicPainDaddy and thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter really distances. I'm glad IANBU in that respect. A pp asked how long we've been dating; only a month but we've seen quite a lot of each other in that time (3-4 times a week), so he should have known better.

I guess I just have to make a decision whether I can accept his apology as long as it was a one off, or that he went too far to the point I no longer want to continue. I'm pretty torn right now.

He's a disrespectful little prick and nothing will trigger your ptsd more than a reckless driver, which he is messing about in the car like that. Ltb.

Oh I had put "for a while" as 6 months not 1 month!
And I was still in Camp Dump.

I think this is just the tip of the iceberg in regards to abusive behaviour from him. He KNOWS you have anxiety in cars yet he chose to scare you anyway. That's just sick.

Yep, I'd dump. I'd DEFINITELY dump after a month.

'I'm a nervous passenger due to PTSD after a bad crash and he knows this'

• that's the key. A good 'un probably wouldn't have taken his hands off the wheel. A good 'un who did would have immediately, automatically just said 'ooh sorry' and put hands back on, straight away - simply because it's a dangerous thing to do anyway, to be honest - no need to even take into account your issues with this.

But someone who knows you have issues because of a previous serious accident, teasing you like that? Dickhead.

Don't waste your time.

Oh and teasing you by doing something that's actually dangerous? Dickhead x 100

I couldn't possibly tell if has has behaved foolishly and intensively and is now starting to "get" it and is genuinely sorry, or he is is a total dick who is making deliberate choices to wind you up, and now force you to spend time with him.

But it is absolutely fine for you to take a weekend to yourself - maybe this will give you more insight as to who he is. If you ask for space this weekend and he respects that or not - well that could be revealing and helpful.

You have every right to take a bit of space and not see him this weekend - never forget that.

PTSD no PTSD I judge people by their driving style.

Letting go of a steering wheel is stupid, irresponsible and dangerous.
I would dump him. Same if someone was texting while driving, etc.

Both good points above.

Saying you want space this weekend is a good test for pushiness and what happens when all isn't a bed of roses - how does he react?

Secondly, responsible driving is something that's important to me too. My DH is a careful driver. i wouldn't want to be with the kind of person who wasnt...

Everything Ellisandra said especially this:

Isn't reckless driving to scare a passenger one of the behaviours which research has shown is commonly exhibited in abusive men?

Run a mile now would be my advice. You've dodged a bullet trust me. Been there, done that. It only gets worse.

Thanks so much for your advice everyone. I'll take some time out over the weekend and see how I feel then. Part of me is tempted to keep things going out of curiosity to see if he would dare pull a stunt like that again

My abusive ex husband number 1 was a pilot. Knowing I was petrified of small aircraft (well any aircraft) he then proceeded to provoke an argument and tell me that I'd have to fly the plane or he'd let us both die. I had to pilot the damned thing for over 5 minutes.
I'm sure he would have stepped in had I sent it into a spin or something but that isn't the point.
NOBODY fucks with me like that - I divorced him soon after. I'd kick lover boy out if I were you he sounds like a right bellend.

There's an old MN saying

"When someone shows you who they are, listen" (or something).

He just exploited your fear for LOLZ.

He sounds like he's got cunt tendencies. I wouldn't even stick around to verify further, I think you've got what you need.

How can you be curious about whether he'll do it again? Maybe he'll up his game and drive in front of a truck to see what your reaction is... Why, if you have ptsd related to being in a car, would you do that? I don't have ptsd and no fucking way would I get into a car with a driver like that.

Forget the driving and the PTSD for a minute. He said if you question him you don't trust him.

Bin him.

That was me who asked how long you'd been seeing him insomniMax. I get how you're feeling torn, you're a nice person who doesn't want to punish him for something that you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for, yes?

A month in should be on your best behaviour stage still yet he pulls a stunt like this. I think you're right to take it slower and put a bit of distance between you for a bit, it'll be a good test to see how he reacts; if he's genuinely sorry he'll go at your pace, if he's not he'll be pushy and imply/just outright tell you you're overreacting. Although I honestly think he's not a keeper.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas that's actually a very good way of looking at it

HildaOg 1) I only said tempted! But pps (not many, granted) have said it could have just been an error of judgement on his part. If he ever did it again he'd be gone obviously, but he has apologised a lot and hasn't gaslighted me or anything like that.

Don't know why my phone stuck a 1) in there!!

hasn't gaslighted me or anything like that.

I refer you to -

He said if you question him you don't trust him.

pretty much in the same spirit.

LTB. I don't see it as as misjudged joke, it was weird and unkind behaviour and seems like a sign of underlying control issues.

I had PTSD after a car accident too, if you haven't already had it please try hypnotherapy, it literally changed my life after only one session.

He sounds very immature.

If you can deal with that then stay with it. Otherwise end the relationship and move on.

Realistically how much trust can anyone have in a person you have known a month?

He sounds ridiculous.

@thelegendofbeans That is from a quote from Dr Maya Angelou:
"When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time".

op he was driving at 70mph, no hands on the steering wheel, enjoyed the danger for his own gratification and took pleasure in scaring you.

Please listen to your gut instincts, and the responses of pp. don't hang around to see what he's going to do next.