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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Offended my mother

42 replies

Naturebabe · 16/05/2017 22:48

Tonight I have offended my mother without meaning to. It all came to a head. She is kind and well meaning so people think I should be grateful, and I am, but feel emotionally numb as she smothers me. I told her this tonight and she did not take it well.
e.g. she has a caravan she moves to wherever I am living to she can visit regularly.
When I was expecting DS, she moved into our house / her caravan for three, nearly four weeks from my due date. I felt under surveillance and would have preferred it if she had come once I'd gone into labour, but she ignored my wishes.
When we moved she offered to help with child care (great) however she started taking over, arranging my new kitchen and cooking the first meal there..
When I have moved with work, she has 'helped' me look for houses an got over involved, commenting or putting me off ones she did't like.
When I was 19 and had a first job abroad, she came on holiday there even though she hates flying, I got ill whilst they were there and they interpreted it as a 'lucky thing' they were there. I think the stress contributed to me getting ill.

This all sounds very mean, as she is a lovely person, but I feel I haven't fully been allowed to develop my independence and personality without her constant anxiety driven comments....

Yesterday I was talking about making soup and she said 'make sure you cool it down quickly and put it in the fridge (to avoid food poisoning). These comments are constant. There is always a danger lurking around the corner she has to warn me about!
Do I sound nuts?

OP posts:
Styturnip · 16/05/2017 22:52

No you don't sound nuts
OP.

YANBU

H is old are you and how old is your mum? Does she have other children?

RandomMess · 16/05/2017 22:55

Sounds utterly suffocating and that she needs to get a life...

Blossomdeary · 16/05/2017 22:55

Are you an only child?

Kelsar · 16/05/2017 22:56

It does sound a little suffocating.

Does your Mother have a social circle??

NellieFiveBellies · 16/05/2017 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Naturebabe · 16/05/2017 22:58

Not an only child. I am 40! She is 68!
She has taken massive offence to my calm comments and has basically said she is going to back right off, in a martyred type way, making me feel dreadful....

OP posts:
Original poster
Naturebabe · 16/05/2017 22:59

Yes she has some friends of her own, male and female, and lives with my dad, so I don't think she is lonely. I also have a younger brother.

OP posts:
Mermaidinthesea123 · 16/05/2017 22:59

I'm always offending my mother. I thought it was part of the mother daughter thing. She moved house without asking me to a house directly opposite me than used to call in early in the morning.
So I moved about one hours drive away as it was so suffocating. That caused offense alright.

RandomMess · 16/05/2017 23:00

Do not give in to the guilt trip

"That's great Mum, think of all the hobbies you can take up instead. Do you want to come for an overnight in August?"

Original poster
Naturebabe · 16/05/2017 23:02

Mermaid I feel your pain.

Perhaps it is a mother daughter thing....

My mother mentioned that many families live on the same street and mums and daughters go everywhere together. I think this is her ideal. Heeeeelppp! Not mine.

OP posts:
Mermaidinthesea123 · 16/05/2017 23:04

Nooooo not mine either!!!

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 16/05/2017 23:06

I wonder if the DM got a fright when you became ill abroad. She might have thought it up to a higher level of panic than it needed which has started an anxiety in her which results in her need to be close to you as much as possible. Did you DDad or DBro ever get ill away from home?
This could explain her worries (to me anyway). I got myself in a right state when one of mine was ill.

BlossomCat · 16/05/2017 23:06

I get you.
My mother lives ten minutes away from me. It's much too near for my liking.

Original poster
Naturebabe · 16/05/2017 23:19

shewhomustgowithoutname.... possibly, but it was just a kidney infection.... I could have coped.

She got ill as a young child of 3 and spent a lot of time alone away from her parents in a hospital. I think this has affected her outlook on everything....

OP posts:
Shewhomustgowithoutname · 16/05/2017 23:48

I really do think she has been panicked by you taking ill abroad, and what might have happened if she were not there.
I have a child who took ill, had to fight to get treatment, when better I was scared to send back to school even though school had a nurse and I am not a nurse. Got scared again recently when I got call to take medication to now adult DC working nights. I wanted to do all sorts of thing but DC completed shift! I was scared again!
This could be a scary problem to DMum and she is just worried and overdoing it. You will always be her child.

Out2pasture · 16/05/2017 23:54

wow, I see her as being very nice and kind.
I guess you see it as being controlling, do you have issues with your own self confidence that you find these minor things intrusive?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2017 00:03

You are not being mean or unreasonable. Your mother is suffocating the fuck out of you. I sympathize because my mother is very similar. Her being "offended" is not your problem. HER problem is that she has no sense of boundaries. Trust me when I say you need to be kind but VERY firm with her or things will never change. She is completely self-absorbed with what she thinks is best. It's time to claim your own life.

ScarlettFreestone · 17/05/2017 00:25

You need to stop telling her things.

And start saying "no thank you" (and meaning it)

She made the first meal in your new house. Why? You could have said "thank you but I want to cook the first meal"

You could have said "thanks for offering but I want to arrange the kitchen alone"

You didn't have to discuss houses with her, or in fact tell her you were moving at all until it was sorted.

I know this is difficult, I have personal experience of relatives who think they are entitled to run your life. The only way to counter it is to limit information and to put on your big girl plants with regards to emotional blackmail.

Say no politely and with thanks but accept that any issues she has with the "no thank you" are hers and not your responsibility.

Like a tantruming toddler you can never give in. Decide your lines in the sand and stick to them.

Just like with toddlers she can cry or be offended if she wants to but you are in charge and it's for her own good.

You have the power, you just have to take it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2017 07:29

She is not nice, well meaning or kind at all. Such disordered of thinking people have no boundaries and as a result of growing up with her, your own sense of boundaries is pretty much skewed as well. Her being "offended" is indeed not your problem.

BTW where is your dad here?. I only ask as he is not mentioned at all.

She is a smother mother, a person who wants to run your life for you and sees you as not being capable enough. No wonder you feel that you have not felt able to fully develop your independence; she has stopped you from doing that because she wants you still dependent on her. Its not a healthy dynamic at all and you have been emotionally damaged by her. I would also now keep her well away from your child because she will treat him in not too dissimilar ways as to how you were and are treated now.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point. Also read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2017 07:31

I missed the part re your dad; he has also failed you here because he has simply enabled her behaviour by being a bystander. He has failed to protect you from her and has also acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

How does your brother get along with your parents these days?

LaContessaDiPlump · 17/05/2017 07:33

do you have issues with your own self confidence that you find these minor things intrusive?

When your mother is CONSTANTLY in your face and you can't escape from her without causing offence, it is not minor Confused

LurkingHusband · 17/05/2017 10:08

Do you have a partner, OP ? If so, where are they in all this ?

Original poster
Naturebabe · 17/05/2017 10:10

*She made the first meal in your new house. Why? You could have said "thank you but I want to cook the first meal"

You could have said "thanks for offering but I want to arrange the kitchen alone*

I did say both of these things, but it was met with sad puppy face and 'I'm only trying to help you out, I know how hard it is for you' response. Then I felt terribly mean and relented....

OP posts:
Original poster
Naturebabe · 17/05/2017 10:12

She made the first meal in your new house. Why? You could have said "thank you but I want to cook the first meal

You could have said "thanks for offering but I want to arrange the kitchen alone

I did say both of these things, but it was met with sad puppy face and 'I'm only trying to help you out, I know how hard it is for you' response. Then I felt terribly mean and relented....

I have a PhD, I have a mortgage... I have 2 kids, 6 chickens and a dog..... I'm not some wastrel, so I don't know why she feels the need to do this!

OP posts:
Lucywithout · 17/05/2017 12:23

Sad puppy face is manipulative. You will have to upset her a bit to put the boudaries you want in place. It is not kind to take over a 40 year old's life or kitchen. Be firm, be kind and realise that she needs to know how to treat a grown up daughter. Any upset when you say "no" is hers to manage not your fault.
Look up assertiveness and learn the repeated record technique. What you want is as important as what she thinks you should have!