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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My 5 year old says she doesn't like her step-dad any more :(

46 replies

OhWhatAPalaver · 16/05/2017 11:49

And I'm not sure I do either...

My DP always got on brilliantly with my daughter from the word go, she absolutely loved him to bits and he could do no wrong. Fast forward a few years and a baby sister later and she isn't so impressed. Today broke my heart because she said he makes her sad all the time :(
This came about because she can be a bit slow in the morning getting ready for school (show me a 5 years old who isn't!) and he was giving her a hard time about hurrying up. Recently he just seems to be on her case all the time, and mine to some extent, and it's getting us down.
I'm not sure what his problem is. We have been arguing more lately (when my eldest is out) so I know he has issues with me not being affectionate enough towards him at the moment and apparently that makes him feel unloved. I explained this because I've barely slept in ten months and have also been breastfeeding for the same length of time. He insisted it isn't sex, it's the day to day affection that he is missing. Problem is I just don't feel that way inclined at the moment. He's becoming fairly unpleasant to live with, as he's moody and stressed fairly often, and while I can deal with him being an annoying twat sometimes, my eldest shouldn't feel this way and I'm at a loss as to what to do about it.
He is besotted with our baby daughter, absolutely over the moon to be a dad and I'm wondering if he is perhaps neglecting my eldest because he is now a father or something. Either that or he's taking some frustration out on us. I really don't know what to do but I grew up with a step-dad I despised and I don't want my daughter to have to go through the same thing. She is a very sensitive girl and he used to be so patient with her but not any more it seems. I'm not saying I'm perfect, everyone loses their patience sometimes but it seems to be that she does something wrong every day at the moment.
I did speak to him about it a while ago and he really made an effort for a while but now it's gone back to him being annoyed all the time.
Any advice on how to proceed would be great. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Daphnedown · 16/05/2017 13:26

Kokisai I mean anyone who uses it as a threat in an argument. Kids should not be pawns in their parents' battles

JigglyTuff · 16/05/2017 13:29

"Anyone who uses custody of children is not a good man

I'm not sure I agree - most mothers would say they wanted at least 50% so why shouldn't a man. He isn't saying he will take the baby away for ever."

I think the PP meant anyone who uses that in an argument - it's a threat.

So you've had a new baby, you're all touched out (unsurprisingly) and he's being a pathetic man child and treating your 5 YO and you like emotional punchbags because he's not getting the affection he feels he deserves.

He needs to grow up.

VerySadInside · 16/05/2017 13:30

So essentially you have decided that your need to see your new baby every day is more important that your DD being unhappy everyday and being forced to live with someone who makes her sad all the time?

WJJWOO · 16/05/2017 13:39

The reason your child may be sad is that she is picking up on your vibes too. You firstly need to decide if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, and if so then the two of you need to sit down and talk about it. Shutting it out will only make things worse. Try and set some quality time together each day just the two of you, it may only be 10 mins but this will change and get more as the children get older. If both parents are happy then this will then follow down to the children. Try and get her involved in with her younger sibling as she may be feeling sad as she is feeling left out too. A family is a unit and if part of that unit is not happy, for whatever reason, it needs to be addressed otherwise it will break apart.

Original poster

OhWhatAPalaver · 16/05/2017 13:40

Thank you for all your replies, they're very helpful.
verysad that isn't what I meant at all. If I thought there was no hope for our relationship I'd put both my children first and do what is best for them.

OP posts:

incywincybitofa · 16/05/2017 13:48

I do agree we can all be impatient in the mornings with children
I also think the first year with a baby can be massively stressful and draining out of all of us, he wants you to top him up with affectionate gestures but you are knackered and probably want the same.

But your little girl feels unwanted-Some step dads are amazing men, who have a hugely positive impact on children's development, but I grew up with a friend whose step-dad changed after his sister was born. Suddenly my friend was resented in the house, you kind of notice when you are little and visiting, but when you are an adult and parenting those memories become haunting. I think you need to calmly establish how he actually feels about DD1 and then take steps to do what is best for her, re-establishing their relationship or changing things around so she no longer feels rejected every single day in her own home.

Starlight2345 · 16/05/2017 13:48

Is it just mornings because I am sure my 10 year old would not say he even likes me in the morning as he has to be told over and over gain to follow the same routine he has for years..

It is worth looking at different ways to do mornings if they are a problem..Some of the things that have worked for me are tick charts, races ( all short lived but a nice break)

If it is about more than that then ask for a chat..At the right time.. When you are arguing is not necessarily the right time to sort out issues.

My Ex was the same though ..I was doing everything..Up through the night breast feeding so sex was the last thing I really cared about. However Like yours did nothing to make me feel attracted to him.

I am glad you are listening to your dd. If it s not resolvable you do need to get out for your DD sake and yours too.

Original poster

OhWhatAPalaver · 16/05/2017 14:39

It's not just mornings but mornings are worse I think.
He seems to be constantly stressed about something and inflicts his bad moods upon everyone. Eg. He ran out of milk for his coffee this morning so was in a bad mood about that. Or if something he wanted to eat has gone out of date or something. He let's the tiniest things piss him off and acts like its the end of the world. I don't know if he's always been like this or maybe it's just got worse recently or what.
I think it's got to the point where his reactions are out of proportion to the problem. Whether that be dd1 being slow in the morning or another minor inconvenience. He blows it all out of proportion.
He says this is how he lets off steam but I argue that the way 'he lets of steam' shouldn't affect those around him.
Dd1 is clearly picking up on things not being quite right but maybe I'm not helping as I did say to her the other day that 'he's just being moody, don't worry about it,' while dp was out of ear shot.
I feel like I should make her feel better because she's upset but maybe I'm undermining dp in the process... I don't even know any more! So hard to know what to do for best.

OP posts:

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 16/05/2017 14:54

Exactly what JigglyTuff said, he's basically jealous of his own baby for your time and affection - time someone grew up!

Does he show you affection? Genuinely, not the type that they think is a prelude to getting in the sack. Does he pull his weight at home? If he doesn't it's rich expecting you to be full of beans for him when you're knackered looking after your DC.

FormerNymphet · 16/05/2017 15:29

It is also very hard emotionally on men when a baby comes along. He sounds a bit depressed and stressed.
Your daughter might not like the new dynamic of sharing her step dad with her new sibling. It might be her way of expressing her frustrations.
A new baby can turn family life upside down.

user1479302027 · 16/05/2017 15:44

The negativity here is astounding, considering that you haven't posted anything he's done egregiously wrong. It's fine if you don't like his grumpy moods. You can leave if you like. But his relationship with his step daughter doesn't sound like anything unusual for a 'natural ' parent. Unless we are going to be fed more relevant info

FormerNymphet · 16/05/2017 16:38

It kind of sounds like he has PND. It does affect men too.

Orlandointhewilderness · 16/05/2017 16:46

Have you spoken to him? Maybe he is struggling. Men do you know! Maybe he is tires and stressed and not coping brilliantly.

And why shouldn't a man have joint custody if anything went wrong?!?

NeverTwerkNaked · 16/05/2017 17:00

if things used to be good, then focus on ways you could get them back there? Could they have an activity they do together? My son likes going to see super hero type movies with his step dad (for instance). It is very hard adapting to step parenting and all the different dynamics!
How are you when trying to get her out of the door? It is a bloody stressful time! Can you switch so he feels he can play "good cop" to your "bad cop" st those times? It doesn't take two parents to get one child out of the door, if that is a flashpoint maybe he could just remove himself at those times rather than getting involved too? I tend to leave DP to shout at his kids and I am just a helping hand locating a lost shoe or whatever rather than joining in the shouting!
First year with a new child is tough for everyone.
Could you ask your dd school if she can have some extra support? My son had sessions with a support assistant who just provided a safe space for him to chat when lots of changes were going on. Sometimes it is easier for them a child to talk to someone neutral

Original poster

OhWhatAPalaver · 16/05/2017 17:13

I have no issues with joint custody in theory but I would find it very difficult. It would break my heart tbh. I just want us to be happy again but as much as I tell myself it'll get better it just doesn't seem to.
Dd1 told me she spoke to him about how she was upset about what happened this morning in the car on the way to school. He apparently just got annoyed again and blamed it all on her :(

OP posts:

Original poster

OhWhatAPalaver · 16/05/2017 17:16

I think we need to have a long chat without arguing. Sometimes I wonder if that's possible any more!

OP posts:

Adora10 · 16/05/2017 17:21

So after you speaking to him about the way he talks to your daughter and her herself telling him he still continues to criticise her, I can tell you one thing, he is doing a great job of turning her into a very insecure and nervous young adult.

Naicehamshop · 16/05/2017 17:25

He needs to get a bloody grip - he doesn't have the right to go around upsetting everyone with his moodiness, especially a very young child.

LockedOutOfMN · 16/05/2017 17:28

I haven't read the whole thread. Would talking to a counsellor help? i.e. seeing the counsellor as a couple.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 16/05/2017 18:45

Your child's house should be her sanctuary; it is not that currently primarily because of this man. This is so important. It is also your sanctuary.

He sounds really emotionally immature...as in zero social or emotional intelligence.

Letting off steam...He is clearly not a family man. He is not a keeper.

neonrainbow · 16/05/2017 19:48

Ok so since your update it seems its a lot more serious. Crunch time for him. It's completely within his power to sort out his attitude problem.

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