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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Massive crush but I'm married

50 replies

Namechanged999 · 16/05/2017 08:48

I'm married with young dc. My marriage is difficult and I'm lonely.

I have recently developed a huge crush on someone. To the point where I can't sleep for thinking about him, I have bad mentionitis (he's part of a wide circle of friends), and I'm finding it difficult to be in the same room as him. It's getting worse, I feel obsessed. I get shakey and sweaty when I think about him and play out scenes in my head.

Last night I decided that I should approach my dh and tell him that I've had my head turned and that we either commit properly to working on our marriage (he barely makes eye contact with me let alone any friendship/intimacy) or we go our separate ways. In the cold light of day that feels too scary.

Please help me know what to do.

OP posts:

Carolinethebrave · 16/05/2017 10:54

You dont need to tell dh about the crush, you need to resolve the issues in your marriage

lotusbomb · 16/05/2017 10:55

What was it that drew you to each other in the first place? If he's always been this was and it is who he is, what made it acceptable then to the extent that you married him, compared to now?

Original poster

Namechanged999 · 16/05/2017 11:07

My boundaries, self-esteem and expectations were all much lower back then. Non-existent in fact.

Also, he's got worse. I used to get crumbs, occasionally even a crust, and I was satisfied with that...Now I don't get anything.

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 16/05/2017 11:15

Ah so you were both different versions of yourself back then, thats life, it happens we evolve and change. The most important thing to remember is you cant change him any more than you can or should save yourself. Admit to him the relationship is suffering to the point other people are looking attractive. I'll be honest though, I think without good foundations this race is probably run.

lotusbomb · 16/05/2017 11:48

I agree with @LesisMiserable . It seems like a classic case of growing apart and drifting in different directions.

lotusbomb · 16/05/2017 11:49

I agree with @LesisMiserable . It seems like a classic case of growing apart and drifting in different directions.

Original poster

Namechanged999 · 16/05/2017 11:54

You're all doing a great job of distracting me from my crush, but the reality is that I don't want to address this with my dh. All I want to do is lie in a dark room and imagine romantic scenarios with my crush

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 16/05/2017 11:57

The trouble is when you come out of the cupboard your real life still needs sorting. To do list for you, dreamy head! 😁

Original poster

Namechanged999 · 16/05/2017 11:59

Make one for me??

OP posts:

BouncingBlueberry · 16/05/2017 12:03

OP my mum and dad lived like this for pretty much all mine and my sisters lives until my father died 3 years ago. It's left me reluctant to marry the absolute love of my life as I'm scared that we'll end up in the same position. My mum is now beginning to find her feet again thank goodness but it's still hard for her. Please do what's best for you, if I was a friend of my mums all those years ago I would have told her to leave him.

LesisMiserable · 16/05/2017 12:12

When I was married and I got a big old crush on someone else it did spur me on to lose weight and get my mojo back and get out of there. Never cheated but the realisation that you still have a libido is a powerful thing. If I was you unless there is any part of you that can see how it could work (does not include wishing literally everything was different cos that's a non starter) I would gently let your husband know its not going to work long term. If you think you could in any way salvage the relationship, then be honest about the crush. At presents it sounds like you are 'friends'. You can be friends still, just at different houses. A two centre family if you will. You need that spark OP. Not with mr crush he's just your glimpse behind the curtain of somewhere you've not been for a long time, your white rabbit. x

HIG70 · 16/05/2017 12:25

"Should I stop contact"

What contact do you currently have?

Patchouli666 · 16/05/2017 12:43

Do you think you and your hubby would be happier apart? From what you write, I think you probably both would. He can't and has said he won't give what you want and you are now taking your thoughts outside the marriage which isn't right but God, you're only human. The more you push, the less you are getting. This is only going to get worse.

You seem lost. Hurt and lost. There is no shame in admitting it's over, has run its course. You can be friends and good parents and you can in time, seek a partner who is truly on the same page emotionally as you
You only live once as far as we know. Live....please

Teatowelfairy · 16/05/2017 12:44

He says it is who he is. He doesn't need or desire affection (except sex), communication (except basic logistical instructions) or friendship (he says me and dc are his friends and he doesn't need others

Yes but have you made it clear that you do need all these things?
It's not just about his needs it's about reaching a compromise to ensure you're both getting the most from your relationship.

yetmorecrap · 16/05/2017 13:00

I wish my husband had told me he had a massive crush 11 years ago so I could have taken action at the time. Instead found all the evidence of it 6 months ago all written down . It was quite heartbreaking finding it all. Personally I think you should tell him. I think openness about it and the reasons why you feel this may may be a massive wake up call to him.

HIG70 · 16/05/2017 15:00

Yet more - you seem very cut up by this. How are you dealing with it? I say that as you mention it in many posts. Are you really struggling too?

EvaBishop80 · 16/05/2017 16:26

I wouldnt tell your DH about the crush but use it as motivation to give DH an ultimatium as you cannot continue like this .

If this was your dc what advice would you give them?

A PP said a crush can be positive to show you do have a libido and something to focus on by either redirecting the feelings to DH or make you realise you need to take action with him one way or another.

Is the crush single?

Adora10 · 16/05/2017 16:30

I wouldn't bother telling him, the crush is a symptom of your unhappiness and of feeling unloved because your husband is not acting like a husband or even a partner.

Just tell him it's over OP, you are honestly wasting your life on a man that can't even make eye contact with you, Jesus, life is far too short for this; bin him off, he sounds entirely depressing and boring.

josuk · 16/05/2017 16:48

Telling your H about the crush will achieve nothing. Absolutely nothing.
He is not suddenly going to want to change himself or behave differently. And will get angry at you.

This whole absolute honesly - that people on MN often advocate - in reality may only hurt people and make things more complicated.

You've told your H what works and what doesn't for you. He's told you what he wants/doesn't.
Beyond that - it's unlikely anyone is going to change.

So - what you do with yourself ok life - how you behave, what urges your folllow/or not - is really up to you...

Crushes can be harmless - we are only human. They can lead to awakening of all kinds - weight loss, new found interests in life. Or, they can make you realise that your marriage is over.

Any of those scenarios are possible. It's your life. Your choices.

Original poster

Namechanged999 · 16/05/2017 22:19

I agree that it's unlikely dh will suddenly change his behaviour because of perceived competition. It's only going to make him suspicious of me or insecure.

I am staying with friends at the moment and crush is a friend of theirs. For the last 3 days he has come round in the evening with other friends and we've been chatting loads and getting on well but I realise that what I have missed the most is eye contact. As ridiculous as it sounds, crush maintaining eye contact with me for longer than a second was what did it for me.

He didn't come round tonight and I am absolutely gutted I didn't get to see him again as I'm leaving tomorrow. Probably for the best though...

OP posts:

Josuk · 16/05/2017 22:42

Namecjanged....
It's tough. Especially with a small child and a relationship you are unhappy in.
But - if you look at it in another way - you got a crash on someone.
You are not dead inside, not broken.
And I have seen so many people in your situation who seemed totally numb, unable to feel anything.

No one knows what will happen. But i wish you luck.

Cricrichan · 16/05/2017 23:04

It's not about the crush, it's about your non relationship. Nobody would be happy in a relationship like you describe - sounds awful! I'd say your relationship is over op and I think you need to move on. You've talked to your dh and he says that's who it is. But not talking to you or looking at you or giving you any affection except for sex isn't acceptable.

yetmorecrap · 17/05/2017 10:18

Yep, am still cut up, I guess I mention it because it's very unusual circumstances, have been to IC, husband going starting today. I find getting it out cathartic as no one I can tell in RL apart from councillor . Anyone mentioning crushes in particular or EAs , I can see myself now how it's very easy to get carried away and do silly things. My DH has at least now acknowledged that he let me down massively and has said he feels terrible about it, so that's something.

Original poster

Namechanged999 · 17/05/2017 15:27

Thank you and and for everyone here. It's helped me massively, especially in remembering that this whole situation is not about the crush and my obsession with him but about my non existent non functioning relationship and how I urgently have to address it.

OP posts:

LostSight · 17/05/2017 17:21

I've been there.

You can lie in a darkened room for four years and in that time you can be happyish with your fantasy. It can protect you, while it lasts, from all the bad stuff. It's just there, and because it's fantasy, nothing can go wrong.

If you're like me, at the end of the four years, you will wake up and realise you were only dreaming.

Then reality hits,

You are still stuck in a marriage that doesn't work.
Your children have grown up, thinking a dysfunctional relationship is normal.
They may, when old enough, start their own dysfunctional relationship. Then you can watch them go through the agony of not knowing how to leave, even though they're distressed to the point of self harm.

Do something positive for yourself and your children now. Tell him you're leaving and follow through.

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