Suspect

[hinkleblarton]

Been with dh for 10years. Without going into details, I'm fairly sure he's messed about. He's a full on flirt, does it in front of me. He lies about so much that I seriously don't know if I'm losing my marbles. Anyway, just recently he's stopped any paper statements from his bank account coming to our house, tells me he just unchecked the box. He's amazingly lost his password to fb so has opened another account that I can't get into ( we share a tablet so always keep our apps open. I've got nothing to hide from him) his phone goes everywhere with him. There's lots of little things mounting up but nothing that's concrete that I can find.
I know this sounds awful, I know I probably sound like a nagging insecure wife. I am totally insecure after finding out a couple of things, porn on his phone after swearing blind he didn't watch it, he made a pass at a friend, he was talking secretly to another woman on fb. It's all driving me insane and being a snooping wife isn't who I am. I want to end it or at least put an end to the torment going on in my brain but it would make me feel better to have a good reason.
Am I over reacting? The bank account thing really makes me think he's hiding something.

Sounds like an arse OP - and you extremely strong.
Get rid.

What were you like before you met him?

It is painful reading your posts. Your pain is palpable

Your pain is enough reason to leave. He has fried your brain and your heart - the evidence you are looking for is what he's done to you. You don't need any more evidence.

He is a bad lot through and through. Take him down. Get all evidence of finances - do it now, or tomorrow morning latest. Is he self employed?

If you can't do it for you, do it for your kids. There is no way they won't be registering your terrible pain xx

It's like you want someone to tell you that you are done.

You are.

You have done your utmost to make this work. But it takes two to make a relationship. And guess what? Your needs are just as important as his.

You deserve to be loved
You deserve kindness
You deserve fidelity
You deserve to be safe in a relationship

Get rid, knowing a better future awaits.

Leave, single person discounts at new rental place, tax credits, it is all possible.

Teenagers, so you can work full time without so many childcare worries.

No complicated house selling to do.

Ok, maybe few assets coming your way. But unless you suspect he has oodles stashed away, sounds like it's going to be fairly stress-free to get rid and no need to piss money away on solicitors.

First thing I'd do is try and sort work. A proper job, depending on what field you work in. Then a new tenancy.

What do you think your children will think of you splitting - is he good with them?

In the nicest possible way stop asking him for answers because he is clearly not going to give them.
He's seeing how desperate you are but still continuing to rub it in further like he's laughing in your face.
As hard as it may seem you will have to look like you've dropped this for a while. Get your shit together and move on.
You do not want to waste any more energy on this turd.
Yes you could find somebody better but concentrate on you and building yourself up first.

Thanks everyone. Your words are echoing in my head this morning, words that I've said to myself many times. He came to bed eventually and gave me a reassuring rub on the shoulder, reassuring me that he's a dick and I've been a dick to put up with it.
I'm not a bad person, I've stayed with the best intentions that it would all work out ok but it's clear it's not.
I feel pretty angry today which is good, it gives me drive to change things. Onwards and upwards. Again, thank you all.

The ' what we're you like before you met him ' question wasn't a rhetorical question. What we're you like, who were you?

Time to reconnect with her

Thanks @springydaffs
Truth be known I can't remember who I was but I know who I'm not and I'm not a woman that wants to continue this farce anymore. I know I'll doubt myself, I've got bollocks to grow! I'm actually writing an email now to him and myself to remind me why I'm ending it.
@FizzyGreenWater The kids will probably be relieved. I'm not setting a great example to them by staying in this relationship.
With regards to work, I'm in the art/advertising industry so when the work is there, it's well paid. I just need to give that side of life a nudge.

Aside of all the obvious crap, he has a BIG drink issue. I didn't want to bring it into my post because it just makes the whole picture so much worse, as if it wasn't bad enough. When I look back, drink has been the main catalyst. Again, I've pleaded with him to deal with it but no, nothing has been done. So there we go. What a massive gullible idiot I've been. ( not feeling sorry for myself, just bruised from constant head banging )

Don't email him. Write it for you.

He's history. Don't spend energy you need to use on sorting things out for you, on him.

If you email him, you'll just open up another exhausting round of either argument or (more likely) him taking the opportunity to trot out his usual nasty set of comebacks. And this will just waste time, upset you, and also possibly alert him to the fact you're serious. This last is important. I can tell you now - the worst headfuck is still to come here. When it dawns on him that you've reached the end of your tether, he will do a 180 degree turn. Because he doesn't really want you to 'fill your boots'. It would be a disaster for him. He'd lose his comfy position as getting to be part of a family, being dad, having his pants washed and having someone else to pick up the slack, and he'd have to shift for himself. The only reason that he's so utterly nasty to you is because he thinks it's safe to do so, because you're too scared of the alternative to leave.

When he sees that you aren't, he will go on a full-out charm offensive to stop you. Not because he is sorry and loves you, but because he does not want to lose the comfy set up.

This will be really upsetting and a major distraction. So don't invite it until you have to. Get yourself sorted- jobs, applications, checking out housing options- maybe you'll move a wee way away even. Do all this before you alert him because when you do, he will do everything he can to berate, threaten, charm, confuse, guilt and bamboozle.

Get yourself sorted so that you can tell him you're going and go within a short space of time.

Please don't stay OP. You want a reason to go, so go. If the thought of failing to uncover something monumentally awful fills you with dread that you'll have to stay with him, then go. Because in all likelihood, you'll only ever have a list of microagressions that make you miserable.

It's actually worse to uncover the big things. The anger doesn't last forever and it's such a head fuck. He doesn't sound like a nice guy. He appears to lie. He doesn't respect you.

OP, I'm so pleased for you and your children that you've decided to end it. You'll be so much happier without someone like this in your life and you'll be able to find out who you really are again without him making you feel like you're worthless and unimportant.
Don't think of it as years wasted. Think of it as a long lesson where you've learnt what you will and won't put up with from a man.

What a massive gullible idiot I've been.

No you have not!

My goodness, it all makes sense now we know he's an addict! Your abject misery makes complete sense - that's how it is with an addict. They have their lover /wife/reason for living and they are TRULY not interested in anything or anyone else. They simply couldn't care less bcs they have entirely checked out. As you have seen

Get thee to Al anon. Go yesterday. That'll lance the boil = blessed release at last

Do not email him! Keep notes for yourself. Do not email him. This is no longer about him. This is about you and your children.

You have let your children live in a house watching their drunken sleazeball of a stepfather disrespect their mother. That is wrong and damages your children.

Move your focus away from him. He is like a shadow, a sleazeball shadow, not even there. Put your focus on the children Get them a little bit of normality away from the alcoholic sleazebag. Let them look back in years to come and be proud of how you got them the hell out of there. Make it a good story for them to tell their therapist or their partners one day.

Thanks @RunRabbitRunRabbit It's been a shit night. Really shit. I didn't send an email. As advised and as I thought anyway, I just saved to me. It helped to write it. My reasons for ending this seemed so valid. Still do. What screws that up is when he comes home and I'm brimming with emotion. I just want to shake him to get something. But no. He got a massive contract today. That was his highlight. More money. Not the phone call where I was crying my eyes out. Not the fact I told him I spent the day pacing, crying, smoking because I'm so damn unhappy that I couldn't work. ( I really couldn't. All this is distracting me so much)
I got so stressed I was the one that who drank tonight!

I know all of my actions are pointless. All my heartache is pointless. It's dead. I'm just the one clinging on.

I suggested he move out ( I'm not going. The kids want to stay with me. I've got a long secure tenancy here and I'm not losing it ) Though I'm sure I heard a cog in his brain turn. He can use his pay rise on beer and a flat. I'm done. What an arsehole.

I hope you get a restful sleep.

Tomorrow is the start of your new happy, carefree life

Has he gone?