What is love? I'm in my 40's and still don't know

[Dulcibella]

I grew up in an abusive house hold and then as an adult I have had two failed marriages both which turned abusive. My second husband is now in prison for what he did to me.

I've realised that I have never had a healthy relationship in my life and because of my upbringing I don't even have that love that your parents are supposed to show you to fall back on.

I think my experiences of 'love' mean I have a very warped view of how someone treats you when they love you and in turn this has affected my own expectations of what I should feel when in love.

So how do I learn to recognise real love? And what should my expectations be of a romantic relationship? I know this is a huge question and there probably isn't one simple answer but I'm just trying to improve my understanding so I can form healthier relationships in my life.

“It still took years for me to let go of learned pattern's of behavior that negated my capacity to give and receive love. One pattern that made the practice of love especially difficult was my constantly choosing to be with men who were emotionally wounded, who were not that interested in loving, even though they desired to be loved. I wanted to know love but was afraid to be intimate. By choosing men who were not interested in being loving, I was able to practice giving love but always within an unfufilling context. Naturally, my need to receive love was not met. I got what I was accustomed to getting. Care and affection, usually mingled with a degree of unkindness, neglect, and on some occasions, out right cruelty.”
― bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions

This is probably where you are right now :-(

Thank you for all your replies, they are really helpful to me. The realisation that I do know how it feels to give love is very healing. I have three dc and have very good relationships with them all so I guess when it comes to giving love I'm getting something right.

squirreltrap the passage from the book really resonates with me. I'm going to order it now because it sounds like it could be really helpful to me. Thank you

You sound great Dulci. Just saying xx

Loving my Dh and him me IS conditional. I would leave him if he was horrible to me etc. For me, in part, it's about being with them creating much more happiness than heartache and seeing a future together iyswim? I love being with him, miss him when we're apart and feel he enriches my life. I also feel safe with him as he "gets me" like no-one else.

Thank you springydaffs xx

I don't love being with my OH, I don't miss him when he's not here, in fact I feel like a weight has been lifted. I don't feel safe with him and I feel that he mostly doesn't get me. It's not looking good is it.

sorry don't mean to highjack OP but fessmess' post really struck me