I'm not sure why I'm writing this here, but I desperately need some advice. Pretty much just going to pour my heart out, even though I think it makes me seem absolutely pathetic. Any advice would be much appreciated.
I've been with my partner for 12 years, we got together when I was 17 and I'm 29 now. Basically on and off throughout our relationship he has "sexted" other women, though sometimes with gaps of years in between.
This is really difficult, I know I should have ended things in the early stages of our relationship but I was so young and naive.
I lost my virginity to him, and a couple of years later I found out that he slept with someone else a few months afterwards. I never ended it because we were just "seeing each other" at the time, but it just makes me feel shit that the only man I've ever been with did that.
He also had conversations with my best friend, but I don't really know what was said so I just buried my head in the sand at the time. I've never even spoken about it with my friend. This was also a couple of years into the relationship, when I found this out.
After this everything settled down for a while, he cried when I found out about it all, seemed sorry etc, it's all such a long time ago now. We eventually moved in together seven years ago. A couple of months after we moved in I found out that he'd been having more conversations with this other woman from a nightclub he went to. I was so upset, but as we had only just moved in together it seemed like I should try to give things a go, as nothing "physically" happened. Again he was very upset and apologetic, said he was flattered by the attention etc. So I told him that if he ever did anything like that again that I'd end things.
An aside from all of this, I know that he loves me by the way he is with me. We get on together really well, hardly ever argue and have been happy together (apart from the sexting, I know this seems mental after everything I have written.) And I love him deeply, even though he probably doesn't deserve it.
I have pretty severe anxiety problems and find it hard to connect with other people, which is partly why I'm so scared about ending things as I honestly don't know what will happen to me. (I can go back to live with my Mum, I just mean more in the future sense).
I would like to add that he isn't controlling in any way, and has always been supportive of me and my problems and tried to help me. Though I don't think he's always been 100% happy that I haven't been able to work throughout our relationship as my mental health has always got in the way. Still, I have tried to help myself and tried a shed load of things to improve.
Anyway back to where things are now. I really thought he had grown up after all of this, and that we could have left all of that behind us, but then last year I found part of a conversation with someone else from the club he goes to, telling her how sexy she is. He had deleted other conversations so I don't know exactly what was said. He told me that he'd only flirted a bit, and felt so stupid for putting us at risk.
Once again I forgave him, because anything else just seemed to painful at the time. This makes me feel so pathetic, but I've always struggled with a lot of things in life and I didn't want to lose him.
The past few months it's been on my mind a lot, I've gone back to checking his phone and it just makes me feel like shit. He's told me that he only wants me and he will never do this again, but I'm struggling to believe him. Which isn't surprising really.
It's going to be absolutely devastating for both of us if I can actually go through with it, as I've said there's a lot of love between us. But he can't really respect me all that much can he :( It's going to be really out of the blue for him as this all happened about 6 months ago.
I'm at my Mums at the moment, and have told her about it all and she said she'd support me whatever I decide. He lives in a different town, so tomorrow I'm going to have to get 3 buses and a train to get there, then travel back again, and I don't know if I have the strength as it's going to be so upsetting. I need to do it in person though and talk to him. I'm just worried I'll get there an be unable to end things as it's just so painful.
I'm not really sure what I'm expecting people to say, any wise words would be greatly appreciated, I hope I don't seem like a weak person as I've had to deal with a lot.
Sorry if this is a complete rambly mess. Emerald.