How do I stop torturing myself?

[Stuck16]

I've posted before about exh and his complete lack of sensitivity ending our marriage and every day since.

Last night was the first time he stayed over at OWs that he's told me about and I haven't been able to get the image of them having sex out of my head.
I know it's ridiculous and completely damaging but I can't stop playing it over and over.
We had a huge fight earlier, he kicked DDs potty at me, it hit me on the shin, huge bruise now. I flew into a rage and slapped him, hit him, kicked him. So so ashamed but the anger and rage just flew out of me before I could stop it.
A neighbour let themselves into my house to tell us to stop because of the DC. It's just awful, such an appalling situation.
The fight came about because I was apparently giving him attitude as I hadn't asked how he was when he came to take DS to football.

I feel out of control, I barely sleep, I cry all the time, it's been 4 weeks and I am getting angrier by the day.

I hate who I am right now, my poor poor DC the things they've seen and heard

Surely if you explained the situation to your landlords they would change the locks? Would your family support you in coming back? Could they offer you a place to stay while you find your feet?

Everything must feel so bleak, and none of our suggestions seem quite right. It is so important to take some steps to avoid your children having to see rows like that though.

He sounds so controlling and arrogant! Why should you have to ask him how his night was? He is completey trying to rub your nose in it all as though he hasn't caused enough heartache. Trust me, you have had a lucky escape and things will get better in time. I think maybe a good idea would be to look for a new job with more convenient hours for you and your kids, easier said than done but it can't hurt to look, you never know the perfect job might be round the corner and you would no longer need to depend on him, which I'm sure would feel amazing for you.

I agree but I might try and plan to move nearer to my family if I was the op. School year ends in July. By September you could be renting nearer to family and friends. Help with your DC and drop off/pick up times. Shoulder to cry on nearby. Can they help you with finding a job and flat near them?

I would never be able to afford to rent or buy where they live- we're taking £1000+ a month
I just would never earn enough to be able to live there again.

There's no space for me and DC to live with them, plus my nan is currently quite ill with dementia so they have enough on their plates.

I really like the job I have now and it's incredibly rare to get a part time, no weekends role in my field. I don't want to leave, it's the one good thing I have at the moment.

It's great that you have the positive of a good job. You also are a highly capable person holding everything together. You'll get past the rent increase and the minor knocks, the big problem is that someone whom was supposed to care for you has now become a massive issue.

At the end of a relationship there's lots of grief and anger, but he's spitefully and actively making things worse. I would try a handover at the door and reduce contact with him as much as possible. Just discus facts. Sounds hard and it took me months to achieve it but having space does help.

There is a child minding section under Child Care on MN. Have you thought of posting your hours on there and see what comes back? Or contact your local authority. They have to help because lots of shift workers etc need out of hours child care. Seems if you could solve that you would not have to see that man so often.
and hugs. It's very early days and you have had so much to cope with. Keep posting.

What a babysitter rather than a childminder, for example a responsible teen that would sit with the kids till you come home , is it possible to pick up the kids and take them into work with you? My workplace allows this

All really good ideas, thank you.
Unfortunately I work in the city centre and nursery and school are in the suburbs-its an hours round trip to get to them and back so don't think that's possible.

Will have a look at the child care section on here. I didn't know it existed!

OP my youngest DC's used to finish school before I had finished work. I asked at the school if anyone knew of any SAHM's who would be happy to mind my DC's until I could pick them up.
This worked well as the lady who used to mind them used to give them a drink and a snack before I picked them up. She was glad of the extra cash too.

God, so sorry you are going through this. Its bad enough being cheated on but having your xh constantly goading you and being forced to have to see him every day (and be nice to him). He sounds like a complete prick! I know the horrible fight was not good and it shoudn't have happened but, it has, and you feel bad so hopefully it won't happen again (don't beat yourself up any more).
Its a sensitive situation if they are making redundancies at work but, by law I believe they have to properly consider flexible hours and give you a proper business case as to why they can't. Can you perhaps work through lunch to get away early?
Is there any way you could look for another job?
Sorry it all seems so hopeless at the moment. Childcare is a bloody nightmare and really isn't geared up for people who work later hours. I'm supposed to finish at 5.30 but would never get to the afterschool club for 6 so always have to leave early (thankfully my work are flexible).
Does your 9yo not have close friends at school where you could perhaps do a swap with their parents? I have an arrangement with another mum at school where I pick her ds up on a Monday and she picks up mine on a Friday.