How common is it that men behave like this?

[Jtaylor143]

I need to question myself because although I am independent and wise enough to realise it is probably not acceptable behaviour, I feel like I need to know that I am not alone in this because I am being made to feel like I am at fault with everything.
After logging in today, I noticed the top thread and had a good read, it's amazing that someone has written that to support other women/men going through shit relationships, but it is easier said that done.
What has prompted me to write this thread is the passive aggressive argument I just had with my fiancé, and the realisation that he was never like this before we had our son (2 years old).
We came back home after dropping my dad off and I came into the kitchen to finish washing up and was going to start making lunch for us. We are a bit scrapped for cash till pay day at the end of this week, so it's usually putting food we find in the fridge together and making it work! My fiancé asked what was for lunch I said I would make a toastie. He asked what with, I said ham. He moaned that he had pork for breakfast (I made him a bacon and egg sandwich), and we were going to have pork for dinner and so he didn't want pork for lunch. Now, he is very hard to please and most of the time won't have a meat for dinner if he's had that for lunch, he wants 'variety'. Well when we are skint and need to use up the food until pay day, I'm afraid that's what I was going to make. He said, well you don't suggest anything different like an omelette or some soup, I said I can make an omelette and we do have a tin of soup actually. He said no, I will have the beef burger that's in the freezer you will have to grill it. I looked at him in disbelief, because it's not like he asked me nicely, he went on and on just nagging and bringing up other nonsense. I walked away pottering about and he just came up to me and said, I expect you to make me lunch.
Since having our son, I can count on one hand how many times he has cooked for us. And when I cook, most of the time there's a complaint about something.
I just looked at him in disbelief and just went up to the bedroom and started crying. He waited a while and eventually realised I was going to make him food, so he's now left to go somewhere.
I would never have put up with this, and various other demanding behaviours of his, but I find myself becoming more and more submissive because I don't want my son to grow up in a household with constant fighting, as I did. So I just want to keep the piece, even though he's just chipping away at me until there is nothing left of me. We get married in a few months, and I'm just enjoying doing the craft for the wedding, I'm not really excited about the actual marriage. I feel like it's doomed already. We have spoken so many times about this and how he's made me feel, I even went (and still on) anti-depressants, I feel like I have completely lost myself and what I stood for before we had our DS. I'm a true feminist yet I can't stand up to this.
Is it normal then men expect you to change once you have children, and does anybody else's SO need to have different types of food in a day cause I'm going out of my mind!

Cloudyapples- that is the last thing I want. I feel because I work and study then he will have a more healthy outlook on women, even if he sees his dad having unrealistic expectations of me, he will see that I am putting myself first in other things. I would never quit my job for this reason, because of his father.

Children emulste what they see. If they see you being a doormat to a man...they will become a doormat or a dominator.

Neither of those things are good.

Neither of you are projecting a healthy relationship dynamic.

Good lord do not marry that man.

I have been in a relationship that in hindsight was very emotionally abusive. You can be a feminist and a victim, the two are not mutually exclusive. From experience I know that sometimes it creeps up on you, but the key is to take action now that it's clearly dawning on you what he is.

Your son will not be selective in what he learns from your relationship. He will absorb it all.

He will learn that women are lesser than men in the home and do not deserve respect there. He will learn that women are subservient to men in the home.

Don't let that happen.

AnyFucker- you're absolutely right. My mother gave my dad a lot of shit, so much that I really didn't like her for the way she spoke to him. She says that he wasn't a very good husband and worked had to 'train him', I hate that. I never want to train a husband, it shouldn't be hard work and I never wanted to be like her in a relationship- hence me now being a doormat!!

Jtaylor - you are posting because you know in your gut that this is not right. Your thread struck a chord with me because I'm 10 years married to a man who expects this kind of thing. It's gradual and insidious. He never shouts and I don't know how it happened. They wear you down with complaints. This morning I took him breakfast in bed and he complained that the toast was cold. I always have to have food on the go if he's coming in. It's confusing because there are things he will do for me and he is very complimentary and kind in other ways. Its not all bad but I'm starting to see it for what it is recently.
Please don't marry him as in a few years you won't recognise yourself if you do.

You need to have a chat with yourself.

There are plenty of us out here lone parents bringing up healthy and happy kids. Broken home my ass. The broken homes are the ones that show kids how to have a shit relationship.

A lot of us left abusive relationships. My dd was 1 when I left. Best decision I ever made.

Exactly the same error as me, OP.

I never wanted to 'nag' a man or micromanage him or train him or treat him like a child.

But somehow I ended up taking another crap path - letting stuff go (because I didn't want a scene in front of dc), juggling everything, occasional meltdowns when I became exhausted. He would implore 'you need to tell me when I'm being an abusive twat going wrong, waaaaaaaaaa woe is meeeeeee'

All in all a hopeless dynamic and not very grown up.

I would recommend counselling on your own to figure out how you ended up putting up with him.

But first, cancel the wedding (please do it tomorrow). draw your line in the sand and be prepared to exit this unhealthy relationship.

NO! DON'T DO IT! DON'T MARRY HIM!
Instead read Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That" and everything will make sense.

OP, I have read everything you have put on this thread and I generally think you know in your heart the right thing is, is to call it a day!
Your wedding day is supposed to be the best day of your life not to mention all the money you spend, you need to go into that with no doubts what so ever. And judging by your post I think you need to have a good think.
Big hugs!

'I feel because I work and study then he will have a more healthy outlook on women, even if he sees his dad having unrealistic expectations of me, he will see that I am putting myself first in other things. I would never quit my job for this reason, because of his father.'

Quite fooling yourself. He'll see you accepting abuse from his father, he'll see his father belittling you and you're accepting it.

I too understand the slow insidious creep of abuse.

It boils down to this: you are a feminist who is considering tying herself to a mysoginist. Objectively that makes no sense.

Your DS is very young and Is unlikely to notice the break up if you do it now. Crossing your fingers and hoping everything will be ok eventually is tempting but it will be the biggest mistake of your life.