problems with mom still

[threeangels]

Hello Everyone, I know Ive already brought this issue up a couple months ago but i thought with all of you who are more new possibly could give me some more advice. My mom just left my home after a huge fight with me over my family wanting to move still. I will try to fill you in. My mom has always been there for me since my dad passed away when i was 6. She gave me everything possible so I could have the best life possible. My brother and I were her whole life and all she had since my dad died. I guess she kind of smothered us as children which we did not complain about. When I met my dh 13 years ago and married 12 yrs ago we had a lot of problems. We both put my mom in the middle of our problems. I know this was not right now that Im older. I mean I told her everything that was going on. When we sperated she took me and at that time my first baby in to help us. After we got back together we had alot of financial problems which somewhat forced my mom to help out too in that area. Another thing I wish I had not done. She was like a counselor to us. A lot of fighting went on which she was in the middle of. My mom had to help bail us out of so many situations (nothing bad) just helping us if we had our electric turned off for being late, or helping us with food etc, etc. since having all 3 of my kids she has formed a bond with them so strong that they are practically her whole life too. The problem is my husband is graduating in dec and we want to move 8 hrs away near wash dc and my mom is having a hard time with this decision. She is upset, hurt and mad. She is saying hurtful things like all Im thinking of is myself. Im tearing the grandkids away. Also that she has sacrficed her entire life being put in the middle of our marrital issues etc etc. Now we want to ditch her and my stepdad. Im not trying to do this I want to finally be my own person and make my own decisions. It just took this long to realize this and that i had to break this cycle of co-dependency. She does not see this only that Im selfish. I know shes done so much for and its our fault she was in the middle and stressed out all the time in her life but does it mean I should live here because I owe it to her now that she is older. I respect her and love her but want to make this move. What do you all think am I being selfish and not thinking of her. She is my mom. My dh and I have done alot of soul searching and feel this is good decision to move. I dont want to hurt my mom. Please help if you can. I know this is long. But if you could bear with it I would be very grateful.

Gosh threeangels, a really tough one. I absolutely cannot say 'do this, or do that. I guess I just thought I could empathise a bit.

We moved about 8 hours away from our families a couple of years ago. Only one family member (an aunty) made us feel guilty. Nothing too heavy, just "don't let them forget me!". We have 2 yung children.

The move was great for us,: our quality of life is fantastic complared with what it was in our old home, I adore where I live and feel everything is better here. Everything. I feel like I never want to move from where I am.

But I recently went back for a visit. I feel really bad for my kids missing out on their family. I feel bad for my family too, that I've taken so much away from them (ther're the only grandkids on both sides, and they're not very likely to get any others).

And I also worry about when the parents get old. 1 set of grandparents can't travel as far as us, so they've only seen younger ds twice now ever, so they don't even know him or have a bond with him, which is really sad.

Back to the getting old. I wonder what we will do if/when one of them gets sick - move back when we're really established / put down roots?

It's so difficult.

I don't have the co-dependancy issues that you have, and still the guilt is great.

On the other hand, you can't live you're whole life dissregarding your own needs/ desires.

Plus any help you did receive should have been freely given, and you should not have to spend your whole lives permamently indebted to your mother, even if her help was great.

I guess in your shoes, I probably would make the move, feel really bad about it, but still build a wonderful new life for your family, and try my very hardest to eneble your mum to come over as often as possible.

This may be total drivel, but hopefully at least a little has helped. Good luck with a very tough decision.

I agree with your advice monkey.

Threeangels, I think it is a good thing to remember that the whole point of being a good parent is to enable our children to be independent of us - physically, financially and emotionally. This of course doesn't mean we can't maintain close and supportive relationships, but they need to be as mutually respectful adults.

I can understand your mom's feelings, it sounds as though she has given a lot of herself when you needed help and I'm sure you are grateful for that. But now you and your family can stand on your own feet I'm sure she is frightened of not being needed any more and wondering what she'll do with herself.

If possible, you need to help her understand that you needing to move away to improve your lives should be seen as validation of her parenting skills, not a personal rejection of her. Together you can make agreements for keeping in touch as much as possible; even if you can't afford to visit often in person you can write, phone, send pictures, have webcam conversations. Before you go, is there anything you could do to help her find other interests and make new friends.

Not an easy situation though for any of you, I wish you all the best and am thinking of you. Let us know what you decide to do and we're all happy to try and help. love Mopsy x

Monkey and Mopsy, Thank-you so much for your opinions. It means a lot to have help with this subject. Ive done nothing but cry today to myself and my dh at work. I am at the point where i really cant say anything else to my mom about this. She blocks everything I feel out and just attacks emotionally. She just doesnt care and only feels Im wrong for this decision. I think i probally should not say anymore and just make my future plans with my own family. Maybe one day shell realize i was not trying to hurt her but just become my own person in this life. Thanks again. More advice would be appreciated.

threeangels, I think watching your children grow up is one thing, but actually mentally accepting them as grown up is another. Although I went off to college at 17 at the other end of the usa, I was still emotionally (and financially) very dependent on my parents. I don't think my mother and I truly had an adult to adult relationship until my first husband and I became financially independent from my parents. And even then, she still reverted back periodically to treating me like a child. (she has been known to call me up from japan to tell me to remember to put enough sunscreen on my son) It sounds to me like your mother is scared: she has realized that her "baby" is growing up and she's worried for you and herself. For you because she wants you to continue to have the advantage of the wisdom of her years and for herself because he purpose in life is disappearing. I'm sure she doesn't mean the things she is saying and is just lashing out. (I bet you said equally hurtful things to her when you were a teenager). This move will be healthy for you and your relationship with your husband. It's an important part of the process of growing up and becoming emotionally independent of your parents. That doesn't mean that you can't remain close to your mother and keep a warm loving relationship with her and between her and your children. Find ways to include her in your new life. Call her up and ask her advice on things for the new house (even if you don't really need it.) Despite my parents living in ca and my living in london, I speak to my mother almost every day on the telephone and since my son was born (18 mo.) we have seen each other every 2 months or so (even if only for a weekend on the way to somewhere). I miss my parents and wish I lived closer to them, but it took 20 years of living at least 3000 miles, 2 husbands and a baby to get to that point. Make your future plans, but don't think for a minute that your mother doesn't care how you feel. The problem is that she cares too much and can't think calmly and rationally about it. She will calm down. And with time your relationship will be better than it ever was.

SofiaAmes you have been so helpful and so encouraging. I know my mom loves me I think she is panicking because she doesnt have much in life but us and of course my stepdad. She really does nothing in life but worry and try doing everything for me like im still young. My husband has been telling me for the past 12 years I need to start making decisions on more of what I want and not totally what my mom wants. Thats our biggest issue in our marriage. I think im just starting to realize this on my own. I know I will be sad with my decision because of my mom. I dont want my mom upset but my husband keeps telling me that when she sees we are actually moving and that we have moved shell slowly come around. He says she just playing on my emotions to make me stay. Thanks again you seem like a wise person.

threeangels, I attribute most of my wisdom to my mom. And one day you'll be able to say the same thing.