He's wonderful but stuck with awful, hideous me....

[cupcakesandrainbows]

I don't know what to do anymore but I can't continue feeling the way I do.

I'm married to a wonderful man. He is a caring father. A hardworker. Helps as much as he can around the home. Always puts our family first and even cared for my late dear Dad when he was struggling with dementia. We have a wonderful little one who we both adore. But in return from me he gets an emotional wreck who is exhausted with low iron, crying because she's being criticised by bullies at work and will have to leave her job, a home that's a tip because I never have the time or energy to tidy it and a child who is, at times, out of control due to my pathetic parenting.

I feel my life is slowly unravelling and falling apart. I see no reason he could possibly be with me because I am a big fat failure. I can't even give him the 2nd baby we so desperately want because I have gynae issues being investigated and have been having a possible cancer scare.

We've been together nearly 15 years. For the first 7 we fought to be together as my Mum tried to split us up for cultural reasons. Then we married but he had to deal with me stressing about my stupid career, then my Dad being hospitalised with a severe and serious nervous breakdown and being diagnosed with a dementia that 6 years later took him from us. I'm so heartbroken at losing my Dad. It's changed me completely. The jolly crazy girl who used to go out dancing and make everyone laugh now just sits sulking in the corner staring on as everyone else dances, I'm just a miserable fat lump.

DH sick of how distant I am to him and everyone. Wants me to try and look on the bright side. But I'm tired. Work is hideous. I'm exhausted and my Mum is chronically ill now too and I have to care for her and drive everyone everywhere as DH can't drive due to illness. I'm tired. I hate my life. House is a tip. How could he be with me? I saw a couple dancing today at a party and he said he wanted us to be like that. My spine went cold. What has happened to me? Where has my light gone? Where has our spark and passion gone? I don't know what to do anymore. Help me, someone, please.

Start being kinder to yourself - look at your internal self talk - if it's too mean to say to someone else, it's too mean to say to yourself

Sorry you're having a hard time at the moment: please be compassionate towards yourself. If your GP is unhelpful, perhaps see someone else?

I will definitely be making an appointment to see GP asap. I'm considering tutoring but will take a break for a bit first. Have been saving as was worried I may need to take time out as DM needs lots of help right now. I have no siblings so I have to do a lot.

GP helpful just swamped with patients but when I do see them they're v good.

As previous posters have said you sound depressed, and might benefit from antidepressants although they do take a few weeks to get full benefit. Have you had a blood test that shows you are anaemic? IF so GP should prescribe iron supplement. Ferrograd C is supposed to be absorbed better than some others.
Teaching is demanding and stressful, have you considered asking to reduce to part time, maybe in the short term? If you give up your job completely you may find the stress of reduced income is as bad or worse. If you are in England half term is coming up and a few weeks later the summer holidays which should give you some time to recuperate a bit.
You need to focus on your immediate family right now (you and your DH and DC). It is not realistic to think you can care for your mother as well without other help.
Family life with young children and a full time job is hugely demanding and stressful for most people I think, you are not alone. Maybe try finding time to do something with DH and DC at weekends to try and help reconnect better with him, even if its only a walk in the park?

You should get your GP to test your Vitamin D and magnesium levels because deficiencies of both can wipe you out.

I agree with the poster above about putting your own family first. You appear to have developed your depression as a result of caring for your sick father. Consider buying in care for your mother. It is a lot to ask your husband to take on her care as well as keeping your immediate family going.
Do you support him, talk to him about your (and his) worries and concerns? Working as a team will help you feel stronger.

To be honest in the 8 years we've been married I've rarely talked with him about his concerns. It's all been about my parents or our LO. And I wonder why we're emotionally v v distant.

He has been my rock. In return he's had a full pelt of hearing my concerns. Seeing my tears. Even the affection has gone. I've put a wall up and turn him away and I don't even know why. Don't even know how to change things. But I feel for him. He deserves better. A lot better.

Telling him how much you appreciate him would be a good start. That you want to be how you used to be again, and that you will work towards it. Marriage is a long and varied journey, with time for people to take turns. You will get better, and you will be able to balance things out a bit better again.

You are ill. Don't beat yourself up.

just to say this happened to me years ago when I was bullied out of a teaching job. I was heartbroken but I enrolled with the local authority supply agency( then you don't have to pay some of your salary) and started as a supply teacher.
Took a while but now I'm in high demand and considered outstanding as I got lots of training with visiting different schools. So I can dip in and out or work fulltime. Schools are lovely to you because you are only on a day to day and you could walk away if you didn't like it.
Would highly recommend.

Thank you newjobsoon. I'm thinking of supply once I'm feeling stronger. Just right now my confidence as a teacher has gone due to the bullying. 😣

Write or email him a lovely letter. Make it about him, not you. Tell him that however much it may not seem it, you appreciate him, all the things you've said here. Award him stars. Say you love him, in terms.

He'll then have something to keep when things go on their usual rollercoaster.

I wish I'd been given this advice..it would have helped my DH.

Why is the housework your responsibility if you both work?

I think you'd benefit from CBT counselling. Ask your GP for a referral.

I used spatone for my low iron. I took 3 per day with fresh orange for 10 days and my levels went from under 8 to over 10. Felt so much better. I have recently started taking high dose vitamin D and feel so much better, less sluggish. I take K2 vitamin with it (after reading threads on here).

Plan happy things to do. Keep a happy diary. Write in it every day 2/3 things that you enjoyed. For example - hearing the birds chirping in the morning. The woman who smiled at me at the bus stop. Reading a book in the bath. Etc