Why is he like this?

[cupcake007]

DH can be funny, charming, loving, sexy. All the good stuff. However, he can be moody, nasty, verbally aggressive, confrontational, controlling. Recently he's been more nasty than nice and I think I've become less inclined to tolerate his shit.

I've been thinking about what it would be like to be on my own. I don't earn much, he's the breadwinner, so I couldn't keep the house. I'd have to rent a shitty place somewhere in a shitty area. We have 3 DC's, my DS from previous marriage, his DS from previous marriage who lives with us and our DD together. I think I am only staying with him for them and because I can't afford to leave.

If you love someone, surely it's not much to expect them to be nice to you? I feel miserable.

You're married, you'll be entitled to a lot more than you expect

I think it's time you laid it all out on the line. He either agrees to counseling or the marriage is over. You do not have to take his abusive behaviour.

We have been to counselling, it helped for a bit. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. He says he knows I hate him! I really don't. Even my SS asked me why his dad gets like that so I know I'm not just taking him the wrong way. He has no friends or family so no sofas to sleep on and nobody to support him if I did leave.

Sounds like he realises you know that he has nobody else so he can be as shitty as he likes because he thinks you won't leave him because you'd feel too sorry for him to do anything.

Do not stay for the sake of the children, they are seeing their dad abuse their mother and that will harm them in a whole manner of ways.

You are married and thus have rights. It is in your interests to find out exactly where you stand legally with a view to divorcing this person. Men like this feel entitled to act as they do and actually hate women, all of them starting with their mother.

Joint counselling was in any case a non starter here due to the abuse he has meted out. NO decent counsellor should have ever seen the two of you together. Not surprisingly either this counselling did not come to anything either, it was never going to work.

Counselling for your own self going forward would be helpful so you can talk freely in a safe environment.

Re your comment:-
"He has no friends or family so no sofas to sleep on and nobody to support him if I did leave".

You sound like you feel sorry for him here. However, this issue is not your problem ultimately. You are not responsible for him when all is said and done. He has more than likely put you through enough hell already and has given you no consideration whatsoever. Do not let him further grind you, and in turn these children, down. You think he feels sorry for you, hell no!.

Yeah you might end up in a shitty house in a shitty area, but you would live in peace, in a home free from abuse.

Your kids won't witness a nasty bastard using their Mum as a verbal punch bag.

You'll never be left wondering if you are going to be sleeping next to Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde every night.

It's a no brainer to me, live a happy life as a single Mum or stay with him and be miserable and let him damage your kids, and it will damage them. They'll either grow up just like him or be nervous wrecks.

It won't be as bad as you think, surely you would be able to get help with council tax and rent? You will also get tax credits and child support off him.

You should seek legal advice. If you are married you will be entitled to a proportion of the assets. He will also be required to pay maintenance for the child you have together, and the father of your DS should also be paying maintenance. If you are not earning much, you may also be entitled to working tax credits/housing benefit. You may be better off than you think.

You might not need to leave, he might have to. You might have the DC and therefore be awarded the house. You may be surprised what you would actually get to live on. Even if not, better to be poorer but in a calm peaceful environment than treading on eggshells all the time.

See a bunch of solicitors - first half hour free - to get a ballpark of what you can expect financially should you split. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Eg I stayed in the family home with the kids until youngest finishes his first degree.

If you are planning to split, do some detective work first: collect all relevant financial documents, take copies /photos. Don't let on this is what you're doing. Is he self employed?

Re your thread title, have a look at Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? You may recognise a lot there.

Thank you for your replies. It's interesting that you all view this behaviour as abusive. I guess I knew it was but I've played it down for so long.
He has got a terrible relationship with his mother so that makes sense too.
I think I need to wake up and smell the coffee, he's not going to change. His is the hard bit isn't it.

*This is the hard bit.
Sorry I wrote that in a hurry. Time to get the big girl pants out. Xxxx

You are already wide awake and smelling the coffee! You sound like a loving mum and you know the best thing to do. It will be hard but honestly it won't be any harder than living with an abuser.

Without meaning to sound flippant women leave all the time and go on to have lovely lives. You can enjoy your DC and who knows what's ahead, you can find someone who loves you and is mad about you.

Chat to Women's Aid who know the answers to all your concerns. I did and got out and you can too!!

Good luck, you deserve it x

Thank you Emerald, what a lovely thing to say. Xxx

Good luck to you #cupcake007. He won't change and he can't even admit he's doing anything wrong. Don't wake up in 10 years time and wish you had left sooner. You and your DC deserve better.