Holiday Dilemma

[GirlInASwirl]

Hi All,

My partner's parents have offered to take us on holiday in a couple of weeks (us = my partner, my DS and I). I am really appreciative of their offer -and in normal circumstances would really look forward to a (well-deserved) break.

Thing is ; partner's parents have no idea that my relationship with their son is all but over. He has a form of Autism which is recently diagnosed (he is 39) which is very difficult to live with. There are also problems with gambling addiction, obsession behaviour and emotional de-regulation which mean that there is often tension at home. I have done my best to live with him; but I am tired and my needs are far from being met.

I would feel bad with his parent's paying for the holiday; knowing that I am getting ready to move on. I am debating talking to them to let them know that the relationship is in trouble before the holiday - then at least they can make the decision whether they want to go ahead as planned.

I can't tell them about his additions, Autism or other problems if he has not even opened up to them.

Would you go on the holiday? Would you meet with his parent's first?

So sorry that you're going through such a hard time.

I'd thank them for their kind offer but say you can't go. If they press you for a reason, tell your partner that either he tells them about the issues or you will.

Going in the holiday in this situation would be horrendous and not at all relaxing.

I seriously doubt he has got to 39 without them realising something is diagnoseable about him. . .

Decline politely. Say it isn't a good time.

Don't go. Life sounds really tough for you - please be kind to yourself, save yourself the extra stress and do not try and keep up appearances. What kind of holiday would it be. I think you would regret it right from the off..

Find other ways to give yourself that well earned break. Day at a spa with a friend or something.

Thank them but say you can't go. I would also be honest and tell them you aren't prepared to be in the relationship any longer.
They are grown ups, it will be fine. Is the child their grandson? I would reassure them that contact will be maintained etc.

Have you discussed this with your partner?

I wouldnt have a problem.telling them about the addictions. Addictions thrive on being hidden so bringing it out into the open is a good thing. Also if he is gambling parents need to know as he could try to get money off them..So forget the secrecy. I wouldnt tell about the autism as that is different.
And say you really appreciate their offer but due to problems with your relationship at the moment its not a good time for a holiday.

No, you really shouldn't go. They are only inviting you as their son's partner. To take advantage of their financial generosity when you are planning to leave him would be wrong.

You shouldn't go.

Thank you for your kind words. I have decided not to go - it seems the correct/moral thing to do. To answer a few comments -
First to Just....I am not sure his parents truly recognise how different he is (I am not sure whether both of them have a form of Autism too). I have asked his Mum at one point if they think he is 'different' (during a discussion of his turbulent education) - to which she roundly said 'No'. I don't think he has ever been tackled about any difficult behaviour - that has been left to me.
June - I am not sure his parent's know about his gambling addition. His father also had a problem with it and it was even presented as a good thing when my partner was growing up. He has over 20,000 pounds worth of debt when we met. I have encouraged him to live frugally to pay that off. But I know he is still gambling most evenings and in denial about its impact on the family. I can trust him with money and he doesn't want to seek support.
He went on a sailing holiday for a week at the start of this month - it was pure bliss at home; just with my son. The problems started again the evening he got back.
In answer to the question of relationships - my son is from a previous relationship, so not related to partner's parents.