Managing texting from ex but co-parenting

[Rainybo]

I separated from ex-h nearly two years ago and we have one DD (11). He has her EOW and one night during the week.

I will admit now that I am anxious person and I can have trouble setting boundaries, but I have been working very hard on this.

So here is the issue - texts from my ex. These take two forms - if DD does not answer a call or message from him on her phone then he will start texting me telling me to get her to call or to reply to his messages. Or when DD is with him and I am having time on my own, then he will randomly text me through that time about various things to do with DD.

I find both these things difficult, because I'm trying to do my best by DD in terms of co-parenting so I don't want to rock the boat. However it's getting me down. I feel that at 11, DD can decide for herself about messages and phone calls. Also that when the messages happen when I'm on my own tend to interrupt my down time i.e. They will be in the evening when I'm with my new partner or early in the morning.

Of course, I want to be contactable when DD needs me. And I want to support her relationship with her dad. But I feel twisted in knots and my mum insists ex is being manipulative.

As I have an iPhone, I can 'do not disturb' his texts (and I think this means I could still be rung in an emergency?) and of course DD can always text and call me.

I'm probably not explaining this well, but I need some perspective. Help!

Tell him that she's old enough to decide herself when she wants to answer his messages and when he has her to only contact you in case of an emergency. Otherwise your DD can contact you herself.

Regarding his messaging you when he is with your dd you can use two different things. You can just reply consistently with "ask her" eventually he will get bored. Or you can reset his expectation. Tell him that he needs to sort out directly with her unless it's an emergency you won't be responding. Then don't respond.

When you are with dd you ignore his messages. Completely.

Sounds like he is a controlling ass.

Is she a year 6 11 yo or a year 7 11 yo? Because I think there's a difference-If she's started high school and is almost finished her first year there, you can leave it up to her to reply to his texts if she's year 6, she is still in primary school and might need some help (as in, remind her to check her phone once a day to check for messages from dad).

As for him texting you on your days without dd I'd set up a triage system. If it's irrelevant nonsense, I'd ignore. If it's kind of important I'd text back. If it's an emergency, tell him to call not text.

I guess it works both ways though-if you need to text him about dd when it's not his days, what level of response do you want?

If you think it's all about control though, and not actually about your dd, then you do need to get tougher.

it's a minefield.

She is a year 6 11 year old and I do think that is a relevant point - so over the last two years I have reminded and encouraged her. However, she now uses her phone every day to contact friends etc. so I'm not sure this is needed now.

I dislike the demand sent to me if she doesn't answer him immediately, which I suspect is about control, it a bit 'finger snappy' and if it's not there and then he becomes 'busy' or 'about to go out' and can't talk/respond to her.

For my own expectations - emergencies = a call. I may send a text message if needed, but I try to ensure it's 'office hours' or tell him at next pick up/drop off. I'm certainly not texting at 7.30 on a Saturday morning or 10.30 at night with something that could wait.

Im also nervous because any point where I might say any of the above would result in conflict and shitty messages.

I had this with x/DS Dad too...I've blocked him on everything except email, which in this day and age I can access as quickly as a text. By not responding/engaging in email conversation unless absolutely essential has put contact in a box I'm comfortable with.