Help with a Pregnant Girlfriend

[Walesdad2017]

Hi, my name is mike

I know I'm a man and I'm assuming this is a blog/message forum for mums.. but I really need some advice and not sure where else to turn.

My girlfriend is 7 weeks pregnant. And we seem to now be going through a very rough patch.

Let me explain out background a little first. I live in Wales and she lives in Bristol.. we have been dating from January and we got engaged around 3 weeks ago before we knew about the pregnancy.. it had been very quick.. but we are madly in love and have spent the majority of our time together.

She has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship, who very much enjoys my company and we do things together.. cinema, sports etc which no previous partner has ever done with him. I had been traveling back and forth for work etc and spending the evening with her and her son.

Since she found out she was pregnant everything had changed... she no longer wants me to sleep at her place.. even though I took a job in Bristol because she said I could move in with her.. until later in the year when we get a larger place. She says that I will stress her out during the pregnancy.. we can move in at 9 months just before she gives birth.

There has been one argument where she said I asked her if she was ok 5-6 times one day.. only because she was acting very weird and would not talk to me about anything. I was only trying to help. She is basing her whole pregnancy experience on this one day. I'm so desperate to be there with her during this pregnancy as it will be my only experience of this. She acts as it's nothing I'm missing out on as she has been through it once.

Am I being unreasonable? I just want to be with the woman I love and the futur mother of our child.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated

I'd leave her be for now - you could say something like "I'm here for you, I"m available whenever you need me, I'm very much looking forward to being part of a family together but I don't want us to have any conflict, so I think it's important for us both to have a bit of space to digest what's happening, let me know when you feel ready" ... she's probably very scared she'll
end up on her own with 2 kids to 2 different dads, she's probably also feeling very emotional and torn regarding her son too, she just needs some space.

Nothing wrong with a whirlwind romance. When I met DH, I knew, and we were living together within 2 months. 10 years later, still very strong.

Pregnancy can be a bitch in terms of sickness etc, but it sounds as though she's emotionally distancing herself from you. Why she is, don't know.

What was her previous relationship like? Was she hurt by her ex?

Is there any other reason why she might not want you to move in just yet (i.e benefits that would stop when a partner moves in).

Can't think of anything else.

Giving her too much space might have the opposite effect. I'd try and have a big chat with her, lay everything out, your feelings etc.

Hope you resolve things OP. Good luck.

How can you say she's the one? You hardly know her

I think I'm getting paranoid.. I message her the standard.. good morning. Hope you slept well I've been to the gym this morning etc. and all I get back is have a good day.

I'm really worried now 🤔

No she left her ex.. he has never been there for the son. Hasn't seen him in 8-9 years at least. Money isn't a issue. We both have good jobs/businesses

It sounds like the novelty has worn off and your coming across abit full on with her. You don't know each other and your still in the getting to know each other phrase. Have you had many relationships previously? The speed and the OTT delcarations of love are coming across full on. She is trying to put the breaks on and slow things down yet you seem to be persistent on going full on. People have whirlwind romances but let's not forget she has a child from a previous any sensible adult would proceed with caution when starting new relationships and introducing their child to their new partner.

I can understand the.. not Moving in together thing at the moment.. but it's the lack of communication that's worrying me

Mike it sounds like she is trying to back off a bit maybe because of the pregnancy / hormones or because reality has hit , the sudden lack of communication would drive me to frustration . It will be difficult for you be maybe it would be best to give her some space to process things her own way , stay available to her but keep yourself busy doing your things...

Agree with gluteus

I met my husband (LDR) and within 3 months he'd moved in with me, then we moved back to where he lived within 6 months. 3 years on recently married and it's bliss, so sometimes you do know it's the "one" early on.

However, the emotional withdrawal on her side is really not fair, especially with your commitment to relocate (that's a difficult one to deal with in itself - I know).

You do need to have that talk.

Good luck.

I would guess that the pregancy is a big shock and, although she probably wants you on board, she needs some time to take it all in without having to think about you too.

Its maybe a bit selfish, but its probably how it is. but I know it leaves you hanging.

Dont forget her last partner cut loose and left her high and dry with a kid to bring up. You say she is working, so she has to also think about the practicalities of all that as well.

I suspect she has taken off her romantic head and put on her practical head - dont forget she has been through this before. Moving someone in is a big move, it takes a whole load of readjustment, especially if she has a child at home too. Having a new baby is also a big shake up. Maybe it is just one to many shake ups for her to deal with in one go and she just needs to slow everything down. Doesnt necessarily mean that she is changing her mind about you, but this changes everything, and if you are appearing too needy then it can be quite a turn off.

Also you realise that the baby will come first. You have been top priority until now, but when the new baby comes you will need to get used to not being the focus, that the sex will stop, and may not come back for a while, that she may be too touched out to even want a hug, especially dealing with another child who may feel left out. You are going to need to grow a thick skin. And not take everything personally.

She may also feel resentful that her whole life is about to be turned upside down, whether you stay or go, whereas you can just get up and go to the gym. You could walk, and beyond CM payments, your life will just carry on as it was before.

She is dealing with something huge. She has brought her other child up by herself, so she is used to dealing with everything by herself, of not relying on anyone. I suspect she has gone into self preservation mode

which no previous partner has ever done with him.

How many previous partners has this child been introduced to in his 9 years?

I would guess that the pregancy is a big shock

Or the sperm donor is no longer required.

Depends on how cynical you are.

She has gone off you, that's the bottom like line and I say that in the nicest way possible op.

You need prepare yourself to be a single father and concentrate on your child and supporting this girl through the pregnancy.

Hi op - sometimes doing nothing is the thing to do - especially when things are changing so fast. Although I know this is hard to do.

Perhaps just leave contact to your GF temporarily - just respond each time - and if it fizzles out then you'll have more info on which to base your decisions.

In the meantime focus on yourself - doing some nice things so you have some good stuff going on for you in the next few days. I hope it all goes how you'd like it to. Please ignore posts which are hyper critical on here - it gets a bit like that sometimes and I think you are brave to ask for our views.

Who proposed? Were you actively trying to conceive or is this an accident?

I think you should focus on you. Be there if she needs you, but don't contact her as you are doing. She is not interested. No one sends their fiance a 'have a good day' type message and that's it for the whole day communication-wise. Let her come to you. If she loves you, she will seek you out, pregnant or not.

So plan your future as things are now. Move to be near your future child, but don't base any of the decisions on her. If she changes, you can alter your living situation at some point in the future when you have a stable relationship with her that doesn't leave you wondering and worrying about it as you are now. I would not move in with her as she is now anyway, even if she did suddenly change. I wouldn't trust that she is not going to flip back to this again, which would be even worse if you lived with her (in her place as well).

I imagine she's freaking out a bit at how quickly things are moving and wants to slow things down a bit
You simply can't know someone well enough after 4-5 months to know they are the person you want to be with forever or to be able to predict how they will react under stress.
You sound anxious and worried that she's going off you and maybe she is. You haven't been 'set up' (probably, it's always possible she just wanted another baby but much less likely) you just both rushed in with commitments it was too soon to make and she's maybe realising she's not ready to honour them. Give her the space she needs.

Did she want a baby or was it unplanned?

I message her the standard.. good morning. Hope you slept well I've been to the gym this morning etc. and all I get back is have a good day

That "standard" regular texting gets boring very quickly though doesn't it, and just comes across as a tick box excersise after a while. Also, after a few weeks the novelty of a new relationship is wearing off.

I'm afraid I agree with the PPs, that you hardly know each other, that being introduced to her son so soon is lunacy. Also, deciding to have a child with a virtual stranger is making a mockery of the fact that bringing another human into the world is one of the most important decisions we can make in our lives. So irresponsible. I hope it works out for you (it does for some) but it's a car crash waiting to happen.

Does she want to keep the baby? Maybe she doesn't but can't bring herself to say. Especially if she is on her own with 9 year old.

Sounds like she just wanted another baby. Used you for your spunk.

No normal woman would even have you staying round with her son let alone thinking of moving you in and marrying you after only knowing you 5months! And you are long distance so it's probably lots of long tortured phone calls and wishing to be closer but in actuality you haven't spent that much time together.

I would be very worried about how much contact you have with your child, doesn't sound like she sees you as long term.

I agree with gamer chick, it crossed my mind that she just wanted to get pregnant and doesn't need you anymore. I guess that's the risk you take with someone you barely know. You have no idea what they're actually thinking and have no insight when it goes tits up.

Hi Mike,

I think jumping to any kind of conclusion based on the facts at hand would be a big mistake.

This stage of pregnancy can be the hardest in a sense. The hormones that are surging through her system have been known to shake even the firmest of relationships.

I personally think you should try and be as patient and supportive as possible. This will be very hard but may well be the best strategy available to you.

I would not distance myself from her but also try to give her a little space.

I understand you are excited and nervous but for the best I would try and suck this up it will become very apparent soon enough what she wants. It may be the case that when things settle down and you get to the 2nd trimester everything will be much more positive.

Wishing you all the best!

I'm not going to comment on the speed of the relationship, because almost 5 months is a lifetime compared to what my parents did - 6 weeks between meeting on a blind date and their wedding day. Without that... my family wouldn't exist. They've been together for 45 years, Wales, so, there's hope.

There are 8 years between my children. And if your partner is 30, then she was round about the same ages as I was when each of my children were born. My first pregnancy (early 20s)... I sailed through. My second? Not so much. I was exhausted, I didn't want anyone other than my DD to see me, I certainly didn't want anyone in my living space. I just wanted to sleep. And eat weird foods without feeling like I was being judged. And sleep some more. And maybe cry at random (in hindsight, absolutely daft) things. And sleep again.

Give your partner the benefit of the doubt - and if she's only 7 weeks pregnant and it's viable/she decides to keep it - understand that if she's been a single parent for x-amount of months/years... it will take a lot of adjustment for her to fit you into her home/life. A lot of my friends couldn't understand how difficult it was for me to fit my ex into my life, when it had just been myself and DD for 5 years. But it really was.

Pregnancy and a new relationship (especially one so fast) isn't a bed of roses when you're already a single parent/primary carer.

Having said all that, however... I would be very cautious, if I were you. You state "which no previous partner has ever done with him" in regards to spending time with her son. You're the latest in a long line. And, frankly, if this pregnancy is viable/she decides to keep it - then you need to be aware... that if/when your relationship ends, she will do the same to your child as she has to her son. No parent with any thought for the emotional stability/welfare of their child introduces any new partner to that child until they know it's (a) serious, and (b) going somewhere. How many other times has she been engaged? How many "previous partners" has her son been subjected to? My daughter has known my son's father her entire life, because we went to school together. But even when we got together, it took three years before we sat her down and explained that we were in a relationship. We took her out places - but he was always "a friend", which worked, because when we went out in a larger group, she knew he was "a friend" of everyone I'd stayed in touch with from school. She has intact childhood memories - no randomers, no "call this bloke I've only known for a few months, 'Daddy'!", no insecurity.

Tread carefully, Wales, and be aware that she's waving an awful lot of red flags...

Bloody hell back off abit OP!

You don't even know eachother

Can't say this looks like it will work out brilliantly in the end either

Jeez talk about fast track! Why is she pregnant, weren't you using contraception? Don't you know anything about STIs? I think you'll have to give her space if that's what she wants.