DP upset that I won't go 50/50 on a holiday home purchase.

[silliwilli]

We each own our homes mortgage free. We share each others homes and have time to ourselves. It works for us. Not married. Together 18 years now. He has a grown up son from a previous relationship. I have none. All good I know and see his son a few times a year.

We do not have any jointly owned property.

DP wants to buy a property abroad and has asked me to co purchase.
I said no, I would prefer he bought it himself. However I would pay the bills, community charge and cleaning/admin anytime I used it with friends etc.

He looked at me aghast! Said I was not committed or words to that effect. I said if we were married it would be different. I am NOT looking for a proposal here either just to be clear, we are fine as we are.

I just think it is too complicated. If we split up or anything it would be a minefield. I have left him to think about it, but do you think I am being over cautious here? I can afford to go half, but I don't really want to.

I'm feeling a bit odd about it all. But anyway, just putting my thoughts down on paper.

If you don't want to own a holiday home then you shouldn't feel obliged to buy one.

You don't sound like a partnership to be honest.... if you don't want to buy it then fine, but then don't use it.

No I think you're right to be wary. You obviously like your independence and freedom and like you say this could potentially complicate things. It's not as if it's a joint decision or something you both want, so there's no need for you to be part of it.

Every right to not buy one, but think its a bit rude to then expect to be able to use it. Its not yours.

if you dont want one, fine, but why are you talking about using it?

Just to mention that I know it sounds a bit presumptious of me to be able to use the place with my friends. But if he did buy it, and all was OK after discussions etc., there would be no problem there.

The sticking point is his reaction to me saying NO.

You don't want to so don't. Why did he think you would want to?

RunRabbit,

I expect it was to halve the cost! But did not expect me to say NO quite so vociferously....

Fair enough you don't want to pay half but if was him id certainly be charging you rent for the periods you visited with your friends!

Had you been spending many a night chatting about holiday homes and how great they are, where you'd have one if you could etc?

RunRabbit,

Not really, it was just a notion he had. Given Brexit and all that, places abroad are coming way down in price. Now to me that is OK for him, but for me.... Just rent and leave!

But he has capital that's going nowhere, so in my view if he wants to invest abroad, go ahead, but I'm not that interested.

QuiteLikely5.... I would pay costs to use the place, said it in OP. That would be a given.

I'm not sure why it would be a 'mine field' to jointly own a property regardless of whether you are married or not. Shared ownership is quite straight forward 59:50 assets and liabilities. But if you don't want to jointly own then you shouldn't feel obligated.
Sounds as though he thought you would be pleased to have something together to invest in and enjoy - but if you don't want to then obviously don't do it.

Totally disagree with believeitornot,
it's a huge decision and if she doesn't want to go 50/50 then why should she?
If he decided to buy it himself and wouldn't let him partner use it ever because he owned it all himself.....now that would be the situation where I'd say hmm they don't seem like partners.

Can't believe someone suggested you should pay him rent to use it! 😂

If you aren't comfortable it's not unreasonable to say no. I'd just tell him this and offer to pay flights for you both etc when you guys go to it together as your contribution

For "not committed" read "You are not doing what I want you to do".

Does he often react like that if you say no to him?

It comes down to whether you want to part own a property abroad, and if you dont then dont buy it. He can rant and rave all he wants but "I dont want to own property abroad" is the end of the discussion. He probably just wants to get "his" property at half the price and I can imagine would be the very bastard to get your half of the money from if you did split up.

I'm having difficultly understanding the mindset of your DP. You both live independently in separate homes and have done so for a very long time. (which I admire and live life the same way BTW)
Why the hell would he think a joint investment would be a good idea? Unless he see's it as a business venture. Rental property, share profits etc.
Its his money, his investment, his risk, his holiday home and yes I agree you should pay rent if you used it.

It seems a very odd question to come out of nowhere though.

Either he has a very weird streak to him and just makes assumptions about people doing what he says regarding major pieces of expenditure or he genuinely thought this was something that had at least been discussed in some format. Perhaps not a holiday home per se but around investments or permanent holiday destinations or even a move abroad?

Has he a track record of just assuming you would agree to his suggestion?

Stick to your guns. I wouldn't use it even if he bought it, I'd feel better just hiring one from a holiday site.

Well, I think you are right to be wary, apart from any other concerns, owning property jointly abroad has many pitfalls as inheritance laws, ownership regimes etc are very different from British laws.

I fail to see why your partner is so upset. He asked you a question to which you were asked to answer yes or no. You chose no. If he didn't want to know he shouldn't have asked. You have every right to refuse to buy property you're not interested in.